The Call of Duty
by Banterer
Summary: Third Story in the TMYFML Universe: Kate balances family and career as she navigates the ups and downs of new motherhood.
1. Chapter 1

Kate has a plan.

Has it all worked out.

She'd been given twelve weeks; had needed six of those to figure this thing out. Six weeks of nothing but holding, cradling, bonding; of pure bliss. Six weeks with her brand new babies - so precious and needy, with her almost-grown daughter – so helpful and beautiful, with her husband – so everything and always.

Six weeks to bask in the bubble of her family.

But now Kate has a plan.

And oh god, the plan hurts. With each rotation of the tires against the intricately paved driveway; it hurts. With each additional inch that separates her from her children; it hurts. She doesn't look in the rearview, won't glance in the side mirror. Can't watch the beach house grow smaller behind her as Rick slowly drives through the gate.

It hurts.

And as he turns the corner, she breaks. The tears flow hot and silent down her cheeks. She won't look at him either, can't look at him. She'll see them there; her girls. They share his eyes, both in different ways, but his nonetheless. Elena's always full of delight and wide with wonder; Erin's piercing the soul with even the most fleeting of glances. So much of their daddy in them already; they've stolen her heart.

Yeah, just like their daddy.

"We can go back."

His voice startles her but not as much as his hand, warm and heavy on her thigh.

"Kate?"

He takes advantage of the red light, slants his torso slightly in her direction; forcing her to look at him. She's sure he sees the remnants of her broken heart, barely dry on her cheeks.

"I can turn around."

"No," She shakes her head. "We have to do this."

She hears the exhaled puff of air as he accelerates through the green light. She sees the slight tick in his jaw.

"We don't _have_ to do anything."

Yeah, she catches the sharp edge of his voice too.

See, Kate has a plan, and although he's supporting her, standing behind her - next to her, Rick doesn't agree with her. She covers his hand with hers, doesn't squeeze just simply rests it there on his. He's her rock; her foundation. She waits until he steals a glance in her direction to offer a meek smile.

It's appreciative - it's apologetic.

But it's time.

It's past time actually.

"_I _need this," she amends.

Because yeah, the plan may sound like it's all about the twins; getting them used to drinking from a bottle, letting them get accustomed to being taken care of by someone other than their mother, having them sleep in the cribs in the nursery for naptime instead of sharing the bassinet a mere foot from their mommy's bedside. And yes, they do need to be prepared for the day Kate goes back to work.

But…

Really? The plan? It's all about Kate; about her need for time. Time and preparation. She needs to start setting the groundwork for that day. If she doesn't, she'll never be able to do it; to strap on her badge and gun, to walk out that door, to say goodbye. To be more.

More than just a mother. More than just nightgowns and nursing bras, rocking chairs and lullabies, diapers and talcum powder.

Because yes, she's a mother first and foremost, but she's also a wife, a friend, and a daughter.

A police officer.

So yeah, Kate has a plan…

* * *

><p>"I want that."<p>

"Then order it."

Kate nudges his thigh with her knee. "No way, it would tear Erin up." She slaps the menu closed on a groan.

They sit at adjacent corners of the small café table. It's not fancy, casual really, but intimate. He knows Kate's not ready for fancy; can't go from nightgowns to evening gowns without some sort of middle ground. She needs to ease into it, and he's fine with that; more than fine.

Rick trails his fingers down the length of her arm, from shoulder to elbow before dropping his hand to pull her chair closer. They lean on their elbows, upper bodies slanted toward each other. Casual or fancy doesn't matter; she's beautiful. He can't take his eyes off of her.

When the waiter approaches Rick orders for them both; steak with a side of garlic mashed potatoes for him, grilled chicken and a plain baked potato for Kate. He makes sure to order the guacamole appetizer she'd been drooling over. He's not really in the mood for it, but he knows how much she loves it. It's the main reason they frequent this particular restaurant.

She lifts an eyebrow; waits until the server is out of earshot. "That's so not fair."

"A few bites won't hurt."

"I'll want more than a few bites. That's the problem."

He rocks her hand in his, "There's plenty of breast milk at the house..."

He doesn't finish the thought but it's still too late; he said too much.

Kate startles with it, drops her eyes, swallows hard. The vein on her forehead coming to life almost immediately.

Yeah, that's what he thought.

Because although she's recently started pumping and storing her breast milk so the girls can learn how to drink from a bottle, the only synthetic nipple that has yet to cross their tiny lips has been a pacifier.

And sure, tonight's not the first time she let someone else take care of Elena and Erin; Alexis has watched her sisters many times, but only long enough for a shower, or to catch some shut-eye. In fact, before tonight, Kate has never been more than two rooms away from them at all times.

To her credit naptime in their cribs has been the biggest step she's taken so far, but he's pretty sure Kate's plan doesn't really include her keeping watch from a nearby chair while they sleep.

Yeah, she may have a plan; may have it completely mapped out in her head, but clearly her heart has yet to catch-on.

* * *

><p><strong>Hey, I'm back! <strong>

**Just a quick prologue... **

**Happy Castle Monday.**


	2. Chapter 2

"Movie?"

Rick's already swiping his finger down the screen of his phone, but the shake of Kate's head against his shoulder stops him. He slides the cell back into the pocket of his pants; wraps his empty fingers over hers where they rest on his forearm. She leans in closer as they walk; only lifting her head occasionally to peek into a storefront window or to smile cordially at a friendly passerby on the sidewalk.

The sun is low in the sky, the late afternoon reluctantly giving in to the evening. The air is warm, as it should be considering it is mid August, but a slight breeze keeps it comfortable.

Rick has spent many summers in the Hamptons. It's only Kate's second. He knows the placement of each quaint little shop and boutique almost by heart. He recognizes a few of the faces they encounter; not by name, but somehow they're familiar. Probably from his time spent here with Gina; she loved to hob-knob, or loved to watch people hob-knob with her and her _famous_ husband.

Looking back those were probably his least favorite times spent at his home-away-from-home. A few years into his second marriage he almost put the beach house on the market; could barely stomach the thought of yet another season filled with dinner parties and social mixers. The only thing that kept him from going through with the sale was Alexis. She loved the place as much as he did.

Does.

Because he does; he loves it again.

Loves that he can whisk his family, young and old, away from the reality of the city; away from the noise and the smell and the people. Loves that he can lay his babies in a stroller and walk them down the street without worrying about being run into by a hustling commuter, a bike messenger, a food delivery guy. Not to mention the tourists, with their faces stretched to the sky as they marvel at the concrete jungle with no earthly idea of where they are or who they're about to trample into.

And that's why they're here, after all. Because soon Kate has to go back; to reality that is. In just over four weeks she'll rise from their bed at the shrilling sound of the alarm instead of the cooing of her babies. She'll put on dress pants and a tailored blouse instead of something comfortable and soft like the lavender sundress she wearing now, with strings tied at the top and ruffles at the bottom; all bronze shoulders and toned legs. And the shoes, she'll trade in her sandals and flip-flops for four-inch power heels and she'll be on her way.

Out of his arms.

Out the door.

A month… Damn… If only he could stop time.

"Rick?"

Kate looks up at him. He must've missed the question. He hums, can't do much else past the lump in his throat.

"What time is it?"

"Time?" He glances at his watch, "Seven-thirty."

He watches her; lets her decide. They've stopped at the corner. They can turn left for more window shopping or right to head back to the car. He wants left; won't blame her if she wants right, but they've only been out for an hour and a half. That gives them another two at least.

Two hours until Elena starts to make her desires known. It'll start with cooing. Her tiny mouth shaped in the form of an 'o'; quiet dove-like sounds passing her lips. Left unsatisfied she'll start grunting. There's never any real heat behind it, just a gentle reminder that she's waiting patiently with an occasional smile on her perfect baby-face.

They've got two hours, two and a half if they want to push it.

"What's up with you?" Kate's pulling him forward. Not left. Not right.

He gets his feet moving underneath him until he is once again in-step with her. "Sorry, just…"

"Past your bedtime?"

Her words are sarcastic, but he can hear the slight hint of hope. Hope that maybe he wants to go home; go back to their babies. And he does. But he doesn't.

"No, just not sure where we're going."

"Ice cream."

She points to the little red trolley that sits in the town square. It's been a fixture here for awhile. A nice older couple, retired teachers from the city if he remembers correctly, own it. It's usually only open for a few months in the summer. He used to bring Alexis almost every weekend.

"Hoping to counteract all the garlic and onions in the guacamole?"

"I hope so, for Erin's sake."

The youngest Castle girl has some issues with eating. Nursing was a bit of a struggle for her the first few days. She had trouble staying latched on, and suckling for any length of time completely wore her out. That combined that with her tendency to spit-up when Kate ate anything spicier than bread had the new parents on edge. That was until their one-week pediatrician appointment when the doctor noticed the infant was tongue-tied. A quick snip of that tiny flap of skin that attached her tongue too tightly to the floor of her mouth, and she was all good. Well the latching and the suckling anyway. The only thing that seems to help with the upset stomach is sugar.

Not surprising, Kate's girls have a sweet tooth just like their mommy.

Rick nudges his chin into the soft flesh at the base of her neck as they get in line. He kisses the tender spot behind her ear.

"Mint chocolate chip."

Kate shuffles forward, closer to the front of the line as a couple of teenagers take their over stacked cones and move on. Rick is practically fused to her back; his hands plastered firmly over her stomach. He's a little off tonight, they both are. So she doesn't shrug him off; doesn't ask for a little space.

"For you?"

"No, for them."

He stands a little straighter allowing his arms to fold across her chest. His large hands gripping tightly on either side of her shoulders, his legs spread so his feet can flank the outsides of hers. They step forward.

"What's the theme of the night?" Kate reaches her left hand back to claw at the back of his thigh, maybe a little higher. She giggles when his knee buckles slightly, but elbows him when he steps on her toe. "Jeez Sasquatch, watch where you're stepping with those clodhoppers."

"Sorry Love, you caught me by surprise there. It's been awhile."

Kate doesn't respond. He's right, it's been awhile. She did just give birth less than two months ago. Everything between them physically since has been chaste for obvious reasons. Now those reasons no longer exist, and she's missed him; missed them. It's not like there hasn't been touching, holding, kissing, but…

She may be a mother now, but she's also a wife, and she's ready to again be all the things a wife should be; a partner, a helper, a lover.

Especially a lover; his lover.

Kate feels an old familiar flutter in her belly at the thought and snuggles deeper into his embrace. She arches her back slightly; makes sure he understands her intentions. The low growl that emanates from his throat is all the confirmation she needs.

* * *

><p>"Green."<p>

"Hmm?"

Rick takes the dirty napkin from Kate and leans slightly away from her to toss the refuse in the trashcan a few feet from the bench they're sitting on. The beachfront park is just a block from the ice cream trolley so they'd made their way over while they licked the dripping desserts. The breaking of the waves and the chitter-chatter of some kids on the nearby swing set had kept them entertained while they finished eating.

"You asked what the theme was." Rick rests his arm over her shoulders; speaks with his chin pressed into her hair. "Green; guacamole, mint chocolate chip."

"Don't forget the chilled cucumber soup."

Kate twists slightly so her back is flush with his chest. She pulls his arms tight across her body. Her neck cranes with the backward tilt of her head where she rests it on his shoulder. She nuzzles the side of his face and gazes at the stars beginning their evening illumination in the clear sky. It amazes her still; how much she misses the stars when they're in the city.

"Oh, forgot all about the soup. I wonder what that tastes…"

"Castle!" Kate scolds with an elbow to his ribs. "How many times do I have to tell you? That's just disgusting."

"But..?"

"Richard!"

Rick lets out a small humpf. He doesn't get it, why she thinks it is so disgusting.

He's made a game of it, since the girls were only a few days old; giving a name - a theme, to each of their meals. Some days it may be color related. Like the day Kate had an upset stomach and could eat nothing but mashed potatoes and sourdough bread. That day the theme was white. Other times it's a letter of the alphabet, like C-day; cannelloni with cream sauce, cantaloupe, and custard.

Kate plays along; always has. Sure, she rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him, but he sees the mirth in her eyes; the slight curve of her lips as she fights a smile. Well, at least until he lets his inquisitive mind go one step further; until he muses on the taste; expounds on the flavor profile.

He can't help it really. He's a curious guy by nature. She knows that.

It must taste pretty good. With the way the babies get so excited. They squirm and coo and snuggle up so tightly to Kate's…

Oh… Oh?

He laughs, kisses the closest skin he can find; her eyelid, the bridge of her nose.

"Oh jeez Kate – I didn't mean."

He presses his smile into her cheek. He can't believe she thought that he would want... Well, maybe he did insinuate – once, but not like that…

"I would've used a glass."

* * *

><p><strong>Don't say you haven't thought about it. Of course Castle would…<strong>


	3. Chapter 3

"Do you hear that?"

Kate shakes her head, because really she can't hear anything at the moment.

Not over the roar of her breathing and the rush of blood in her ears.

Not with Rick's moist breath on her skin, skirting over her lips as it floods her face; the suction of his mouth sealing itself over hers, the slick hot slide of his tongue along the side of hers, massive hands splayed around her ribcage; fingers at her back, thumbs skimming the underside of her breasts.

"Exactly," Their chins bump with his reply, "with any luck they're still asleep."

"With any luck…" Kate hitches her hips forward; colliding with his.

Rick doesn't need any more encouragement than that. He dives back in; the vigor behind the move causes Kate to stumble slightly. She drops the little brown paper bag she'd been holding onto since leaving the drug store in town; her fingers grip the firm muscles at the back of his upper arms.

They stagger as one until the cool hard metal of the Mercedes presses firmly against her backside. Her spine bows, mimicking the aerodynamic curve of the SUV. The door handle digs almost painfully into her tailbone. She rises up on tiptoes to help relieve the pressure. Oh, or maybe just to find another more pleasing form of it as Rick slips a leg between hers. Her knees buckle at the sudden contact. He flexes his muscle against her and she can't help but wiggle her hips, finding just the right angle; just the right grip.

She can already feel the pulse of need where they rub together; the beat of her desire.

"Kate?"

She feels her name against her neck. It surprises her because she's not sure when he left her mouth. She can still taste him there; the slightly tangy hint of beer and the sweetness of Rocky Road.

She wants him back there.

She wants him everywhere.

Ugh, except for maybe there.

"Ow!" She cries out sharply; hisses, even bites him a little in reaction to the sudden pain.

His grip loosens. He glides his hands from between their chests to wrap around her back; fingers dovetailing over her spine.

She can breathe again.

"Sorry, I forgot. Those don't belong to me anymore."

Kate chuckles; wants to argue because really, every part of her belongs to him; she's his, only his.

Instead she presses her mouth to the soft spot under his jaw. "They'll be yours again someday, if you're lucky." She teases before kissing the corner of his mouth, she nuzzles his cheek. "But I've got plenty of other body parts that wouldn't mind the extra attention." She wiggles her hips again; encouragement.

He goes at her; softer this time. His hands tug at the loose fabric of her sundress; it billows. He finally finds skin and tucks his fingers beneath the soft material of her panties. His fingers dig into the softness of her hips while his thumbs snake ever lower, over sharp bone; on a mission.

She uses her tongue against his; tugs at the back of his teeth. Then nibbles his bottom lip as she withdrawals. "You do that and this will be over so very quickly." She hears the desperate hitch in her voice; what little voice she manages between each pant.

He'll gladly take that challenge. His grip tightens dragging her higher up his thigh; the friction of cotton on denim, the juxtaposition of soft gliding over rough; it's too much.

"Oh go… Ri… Castle…"

Rick's not sure what part of her will be his undoing. The whimpering in his ear or the almost feral growl that rattles from her chest into his?

She's needy and it's been so long.

He never intended to do this here; in the garage with the faint scent of gasoline and lawn-clippings filling the air, but Kate clearly has other plans. And who is he to argue? Because honestly, he'll take her any way he can get her; in every way he can have her.

Her hot tongue darts in and out of his ear; her equally hot body writhes against his.

Oh yeah, he'll gladly do quick and dirty now, as long as she'll let him do slow and tender later.

But before he gets half the chance, the familiar cry of their daughter can be heard beyond the wall separating the garage from the kitchen.

He stops, pulls back, trying to dislodge his lips from Kate's. She chases, strokes her tongue along his lips.

"Kate."

"Uh-uh." She's still trying to pry his mouth open, but she's breathless and only manages to pant against his lips.

"I think our luck just ran out."

"Damn kids." She laughs, nips his chin, shakes her head. "Remind me again..."

He cuts her off with one last kiss as the crying gets louder, closer. "Go, she needs her momma."

Kate slides off his leg with a groan, or maybe a moan; either would fit the situation. She takes a second to pull herself together. She smoothes her hands down the front of her dress, runs her fingers through her hair; doesn't really remember when it got so mussed.

"Yeah well, she and I are going to have a little heart to heart about needs." She tosses him a wink over her shoulder. "Hey, don't forget that." She points to the pharmacy bag on the floor. "We're going to need it later."

Then she leaves _him_ groaning, or is it moaning? Probably both.

* * *

><p>"Oh, hey Kate."<p>

Shelby greets Kate with a soft smile. She's cradling a very fussy Elena in her arms as she bounces around the large kitchen on the balls of her feet.

Alexis' new best friend has been visiting with them for a few weeks now. The co-eds plan on finishing out the summer here in the Hamptons before heading back to college.

Kate's grateful for the company. She and Rick haven't been able to devote much one-on-one time with their oldest child since the birth of the twins. Shelby has helped make up for that, in a way. Plus, two babysitters are always better than one.

Kate watches for another second. Shelby's movements are rather lyrical for someone so tall and lanky. Kate wonders if that's how she herself looks when holding her children.

"Hey Shelby." Impatient now, Kate reaches for her daughter. The girl hands her over with ease. She's practiced at this; has older siblings that have given her nieces and nephews. "Has she been going at it for a long?"

"Not really; just light fussing for the last half hour or so. I brought her in here when she hit her stride; didn't want her to wake Erin."

Kate can only nod her understanding; too awash in sudden emotion to voice it.

She's home, with her babies.

Safe, happy, in love.

"Hey baby girl." She whispers softly in Elena's ear as she lifts the baby to her shoulder. "Mommy missed you so much." She places a soft kiss to the tiny cheek.

Soothed by her mother's voice, the infant's crying subsides but she's by no means docile. Elena knows what she wants, when she wants it, and she knows exactly how to get it. She lifts her head from Kate's shoulder, makes eye contact. Her eyes, so blue and bright, shine up at her mother; complete adoration.

They're bonded, these two souls, forever.

One corner of the baby's mouth twitches into an almost smile.

And almost is all Kate needs. She slides her hand to cup around the little head, her other hand at Elena's bottom. She brings the baby to her face. She runs her nose along chubby cheeks, over pursed lips, nuzzles it in the creases of the warm little neck. Kate can't help but breathe in the smell of her offspring; it's intoxicating.

Punch-drunk love.

"I love you, little one. Oh how much I love you."

She's not sure when he got there, but Rick's is suddenly at her back; his touch light so as not to startle her.

He leans over her shoulder to press his lips to their daughter's soft hair.

"Ah, got lucky without me I see?"

* * *

><p><strong>Brought back a character from 'Two Hearts', I hope you remember her. She's gonna stick around a while.<strong>

**Sorry for the delay and the brevity. I'm still in shreds from '47 Seconds' and 'The Limey'.**

**I had to rewrite this scene a million times. It kept getting too heavy. I needed it playful; see reason above…**


	4. Chapter 4

"You up for a two-fer?"

Kate looks up just as Rick pulls the library door closed behind him; his other hand is splayed across the expanse of Erin's back, fingertips skimming the base of her skull for support.

The hungry baby is fussing against his shoulder; her head wags back and forth, insistent cries muffled by her own tightly fisted hand shoved into her mouth. She kicks fruitlessly at his ribcage, never fully making contact as her toes stretch the restricting yellow terrycloth.

Kate makes a mental note to take that romper out of the rotation. Clearly the baby has grown since she wore it last.

She slides her hand down Elena's leg, fingering the seam when she locates it. The older twin, still slightly the smaller of the two despite her healthier appetite, wiggles her toes - bends her knee; curling tighter around her mother's body as she eats.

Yeah, these outfits are history.

They grow so fast; too fast.

"I can't seem to appease her." Erin has always been a Daddy's girl, since the moment she was born; Daddy can do no wrong. So it frustrates them both when he can't seem to make her happy. Well, she's not exactly unhappy - just hungry, but they're both clearly frustrated "I know you don't really like doing it, but I've tried everything. She's relentless…"

"What's wrong? Daddy lost his touch?" She winks at him.

"I blame you."

Rick smiles down at her, the baby fusses even louder now that his momentum has ceased.

"Me? What did I…?"

She's interrupted by a particularly harsh growl from her youngest daughter. Finally giving up on her knuckles, Erin has resorted to sucking on her father's neck; her wet hand claws at his Adam's apple.

"Need I remind you…" Rick lowers himself to his knees in front of her as he talks; he places a hand on her thigh for leverage, "…of that little display in the garage a few minutes ago?"

Kate furrows her brow; tries not to smirk. Of course she remembers. How could she forget? But no, she can't think about that right now, not while she's…

"She can smell you all over me." Rick fills in; putting images in Kate's head. Pictures that threaten to send her blood singing.

Erin grunts and burrows in deeper; growing louder with each suck. Kate can see a thin line of slobber already running into Rick's collar; the light blue material darkening with the moisture.

Kate laughs at the look of consternation he has on his face. Or maybe it's lingering arousal. Oh…? Maybe that's why he's frustrated; part of it anyway?

"So, I know you don't really like it, but…?" Rick looks at her questioningly.

Ah, his original question; a two-fer. He's right, she doesn't prefer it. In fact it makes her feel more like an udder than a mother, but sometimes it's necessary.

Kate twists on the sofa, pulls one leg up to tuck it under herself as she nods to the large C-shaped pillow thrown in a nearby recliner. She doesn't use it too much for nursing yet. The girls are still small enough, each weighing just under eight pounds at their last checkup, that holding them with one arm is pretty easy and comfortable. Their little round heads fitting easily into the bend of her elbow, her forearm running along their backs as she cups their bottoms; wraps her thumb and forefinger around their chubby thighs for added assurance. However, on the rare occasion that she has to feed both of them at once, what Rick likes to call a _two-fer_, the pink polka-dotted cushion comes in extremely handy.

She takes the pillow from him. Somehow he'd managed to reach it without getting up from his kneeled position in front of her.

Kate fits it around her waist; slides it under her left arm to rest Elena on the firm bolster. The infant eyes her mother, protests all the motion with a subtle snort of annoyance, but also takes the opportunity to catch her breath; relax her tired cheeks. Then her lids flutter over tired rolling eyes as she latches back on and continues to eat.

"I know baby." Kate runs her fingers through Elena's damp hair; the girl is a little furnace when she eats. "Not my idea." Then she sticks her tongue out at Rick as she reaches for her other baby.

"Football?" He holds the baby out with her feet pointed towards Kate's back.

She shakes her head, "No, she doesn't like the football."

Rick just shrugs his shoulders; helps situate Erin on the pillow, her little body lined up behind her older sister's. He waits with a hand at each infant's back while Kate unties and unfastens; gets comfortable. He can't help but notice how skilled she's become at the task, even one-handed; nimble fingers.

Then he plops down on his rear-end in front of her. Even though it makes her a little uncomfortable, makes her feel vulnerable; he watches.

Watches the way Kate loves their babies.

Her face relaxed yet full of so much emotion; of love. He watches her eyes flit from one gorgeous little face to the other, memorizing each and every detail. He watches her lips pucker as she blows cooling air over Elena's sweat-soaked locks. He watches her hand massage Erin's back; a trick the pediatric nutritionist suggested might help ease her sensitive stomach. It looks difficult, a little bit awkward with one hand, but Kate does it nonetheless. Does it happily, because it helps ease her daughter's suffering.

The way she loves them. He could watch forever.

"Stop." Kate nudges at him with her toe; rests her dangling barefoot on the side of his knee.

"Stop what?"

She cocks her head, "You know what."

Yeah he knows; but he doesn't get it, because he finds it beautiful. She's beautiful. He wants to tell her, show her.

Before he can form the words she's nudging at him again. One side of her nursing bra is closed and she's shifting her weight forward.

"Here, she's done." Her head nods towards Elena.

"Oh, but Daddy lost his touch?" He teases but scoops the baby from her lap anyway.

The pink pillow discarded Kate drops her other leg, Rick twists until his back his pressed against her shins.

"Hey Half-Pint."

Rick brings his daughter to his face. Her hair is still soaked, she's bright-eyed like she always is this time of night, and she throws him a loop-sided smile. He brings her to his lips, he can't help it, he's drawn in by her mouth; her little lips red and swollen from nursing. He has to kiss them.

"One of these days you're gonna end up with a mouthful of spit-up."

He chuckles, she's right after all, it's just a matter of time. But until then, probably even after then, this is just what he does; how he bonds.

He works his way down her cheek, blows a raspberry against her neck as he settles her at his shoulder. One of these days he'll get more than just a smile from her. He can't wait to hear her laugh for him, at him, for the first time. He hopes she sounds like Kate.

He rubs a few circles on her back, kind of a warning before he starts patting. She burps easily, she always has, but he keeps patting and rubbing anyway, she likes it.

"Elena." Kate sing-songs from behind him.

Rick feels the infant lifting her head to find her mother; following her voice. He can't see it, but he knows the second she does because Kate makes a sound behind him. It's soft and high-pitched and Elena loves it. The baby's head wobbles then falls to his shoulder. Her mouth, wide open with glee, hums into his neck, and then she lifts again; seeking her mother's face once more.

The game doesn't go on long, Elena is still too young to keep her head up for any length of time. She finally plops it down for good; exhausted. He tilts his head to connect his cheek to hers, rocks side to side as she cuddles in close; coos her contentment.

She loves her daddy.

Kate shifts behind him again. He can hear the palm of her hand against Erin's back. She pats harder than he does, but the baby needs it; still has trouble burping even with the extra force. Kate murmurs in the baby's ear, encourages her to give it up, and she must finally because Kate whispers a soft '_good girl'_ as she leans forward.

Her fingers skate over Elena's hair then find their way into his. She scratches at his scalp, tugs gently at is ear, curls her fingers at the front of his neck.

He turns his head, finds Erin close, cradled in Kate's arm, wedged between their bodies.

"Daddy?" Her mouth is at his opposite ear; her voice so close.

"Hmm?"

"You'll never lose your touch with me."

* * *

><p><strong>I know, absolutely no substance but this scene kept playing in my mind. I couldn't jump any further into this story without giving you all a glimpse at some parentbaby bonding time.**

**Oh, and sorry about the breast feeding fascination. I'll try to ease up from here on out.**

**May bump the rating up to M for the next one. You've been warned.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Just because it's that season. **

**Based this chapter on something the Great Bambino once said: **

'_**I had only one superstition. I made sure to touch all the bases when I hit a home run.' **_

**Note the rating**

* * *

><p>Rick practically shoves Kate across the threshold of their bedroom kicking the door closed behind him. He barely gives her time to turn around; his hands already finding their way to her waist.<p>

"Now, where were we exactly," he walks her backwards while nipping softly at her neck. "Right here maybe," he kisses her shoulder, "or here," his hands slide around to cup her backside, "definitely here?"

Kate growls, grips his upper arms and tugs him down. They land unceremoniously on the bed; a tangle of legs and arms; grunts and giggles as they struggle to get comfortable.

Probably wasn't her best idea to let a two-hundred and some pound man fall directly on her.

Rick finally maneuvers to her side, props his head in his hand. His leg, bent at the knee, slides up her thigh to settle heavily across her hip. He smoothes his other hand across the flat plane of her stomach; his fingers flittering toward the hem of her dress.

"Right here works for me." Kate winks up at him, grabs his hand; fingers lacing.

Movement halted?

He sees the hesitancy behind her smile; the nerves. He's not sure what happened to the woman in the garage; all hands and tongue and friction.

Her eyes flit passed his shoulder to the bassinet; empty. He knows Kate wants to be the one putting her girls to bed, kissing them goodnight, humming a lullaby in their ears until their sleepy eyes roll and finally flutter shut. But tonight those things belong to Alexis.

"Hey, they'll be fine. Big night; play date with their big sister."

Kate shakes her head, "That's not it."

She sees his doubtful look, "Okay, that's part of it," she amends.

"And the other part?"

She doesn't answer, just looks up at him with from under her lashes, bites at her bottom lip.

"Ah, you're worried about _our_ little play date, huh?" His fingers squeeze hers.

Kate blushes. Because yeah, it's stupid, she knows that, but it's there nonetheless.

She's nervous, unsure.

This isn't their first time. It's not even their hundredth time. They've done this in every way imaginable. Even in a few ways she'd never imagined until – well - until they did them. He's taken her body to heights she'd never thought possible. He's made love to her like she'd never been loved before because; and let's face it, before him she hadn't been.

But that was before; that was her old body. The body that, albeit slight, was shaped differently than this one. The body that hadn't yet carried his children, that hadn't yet given birth, that had yet to be responsible for nourishing two precious lives. The body that belonged completely to him, but now has parts off limits. The body that is, frankly, still awash with hormones sometimes beyond her control.

Not to mention, she's read too much, and been told too much. At her six week post-partum check-up Dr. Candace gave her the all clear, but advised that things my work differently for awhile; she may need to be motivated or she may need different stimulation.

So it's not their first time, but yeah…

He tilts his head, brushes his lips over hers; just a tease. "I hear it's like falling off a bike."

Kate laughs, can't help herself, and it eases the tension. Allows her to breathe normally again; reminds her that no matter what, they'll always be them. They'll always work, they'll always fit.

She reaches up, runs her hand across his chest, fists her fingers in the soft material of his shirt, and pulls him in closer. "I think the expression is _riding_, it's like _riding_ a bike."

"I wasn't a very coordinated kid; falling was always easier than riding for me."

"Then maybe you should think of another game for this little _play date_ of ours, huh? We wouldn't want you falling off of anything tonight. Now would we?"

Rick slides his body even closer, slips his leg between hers; hovers. "Good point. I wouldn't want to injure any important parts."

"So, how shall we pass the time?" She watches him think, slides her arms up around his neck, runs her fingers through his soft hair. She knows that look; loves that look. All playful yet somehow dirty at the same time.

"How 'bout America's favorite pastime?"

"Baseball?"

"Yeah, you love baseball."

"I do, but..?"

"Uh-uh." Rick shakes his head as he drops his face to hers; his voice low and husky. "Do you know what _I_ love about baseball?"

"Chili dogs? Wait, the nachos? No, it has to be the beer."

He lets her tease; bumps his nose against the side of hers. "It's not the food."

"Huh, well Harry Caray, enlighten me."

"First of all there's First."

"First?"

"Base," He brushes her lips softly, doesn't ask for more, "and there are a lot of ways to get there. A walk." He presses his mouth to hers, a little longer this time; more pressure. "But that's kind of a gimme; not too much work involved."

"So you should have to work for it? First base, I mean?" Kate teases, lifts her head from the mattress but doesn't make contact. She stares at his mouth; dares him.

"Oh yeah, you can try the sneak attach and bunt your way on." He drops his head, pinches her top lip between his teeth. He pulls away before she can retaliate.

"Might work every once in a while, but you can't do it every time."

"You're right. Best thing to do is get a hit; line drive right up the middle."

Kate pulls his head down; lips crashing, teeth biting, but he pulls away for a second.

"Then you run, full out. Head down; no slowing, no sliding. You plow right though it, give it all you've got."

Then his tongue splits the line of her mouth. It's hot and wet and he said no sliding, but everything is just so slippery, his lips, his tongue, the sounds he's pulling from her throat. He plows through for sure. She doesn't want him to stop or even slow down, but she has to breathe.

She tries to catch her breath while he trails his mouth over her jaw, down her neck; the moist puffs of air wet her skin. The heat radiates between them, makes everything so humid – everything so wet.

She grips at his neck, half pushes - half pulls him away.

She needs a little air.

Needs to slow this down before she spontaneously combusts.

And oh my, Dr. Candace was so wrong. Or maybe it's just that Rick is so right; this is so right.

"What about…" she's still gasping for air, "…Second?" she can't even form the word _base. _He'll just have to figure it out.

His eyes waggle then drop down to her chest; Second base.

She has no idea when it happened but her sundress is already untied from behind her neck. The material shoved down, bunched around her ribcage with her husband's hand tangled in it.

"Second base has always been one of my favorites. Slide in headfirst, grab both sides of the bag, hold on for dear life; don't want to overshoot the mark. Used to be the best place to catch your breath between First and Third."

Rick tucks his chin between the mounds of her breasts. He reverently kisses the soft flesh that spills over the tops of her bra. It's plain, padded, has rods for support; something she never needed before breastfeeding. It's the only one she could find with clear plastic straps, because there was no way she could wear that sundress with any of her regular bras.

"Used to be?"She slides her hands over his face to run her fingers through the hair at his temples. She holds him there for a moment; a consolation prize.

"Yeah, afraid I'm forced to go First to Third on this one. Second's been closely guarded as of late; got a second baseman and a shortstop to deal with."

"I can see where that might be an issue."

He rises up, lets her work the buttons of his shirt while he slips the dress past her hips, down her legs and onto the floor. His shirt follows seconds later.

She reaches for his belt, but he's too far away; already dipping his head to run his tongue along the rim of her panties. He has his hands wrapped around her hips. She gasps and her stomach muscles quake beneath his touch.

She draws her legs up, bends them at the knees then splays them; opens herself to him. "Tell me about Third base."

"Third base is…"

He stops, runs his fingers over the soft cotton of her underwear; palms her. He makes sure to press the heel of his hand right there. And then she's completely lost. She has no idea what he's saying. Something about being so close, yet still so far. She moans something and he chuckles.

"That's right Love, ninety feet."

He presses harder, moves in circles. His mouth licks the inside of her thigh then moves to her hip. He sucks on the jut of her hipbone and she wonders if he's missed that part of her body that much. It was hidden for so long beneath the weight of the baby bump that grew to the size of a mountain.

Then the sucking stops and his tongue is tracing something; following the line.

She closes her legs, her thighs squeeze at his shoulders but she's woozy and can't lift herself up to protest; all the blood in her body has gone south. He shrugs her off, uses his weight advantage to press her legs back down.

She tugs at his hair tries to get him to leave it, to not look at it or touch it. She doesn't like it. He has to hate it. The one residual from pregnancy that actually bothers her; the little pink stretch mark feathered across her hip.

He raises his head and she's surprised to see tears in his eyes. She can feel how much he wants her; she can see it in his eyes. A tiny part of her was afraid he might see her differently. Because let's face it, childbirth may be beautiful, but it's not pretty.

"No Kate, it's a testament to what you endured for them, to the sacrifices you made to have them." He sticks with the metaphor, "Like a Jersey or a Number; to be honored for all time."

And oh god how she loves this man.

She arches up, and he stands to slip her panties down her legs, off and to onto the floor. He strips the rest of his clothes, climbs back on the bed. He covers her body with his; she cradles his body with hers. She can feel him rigid and ready, trapped between their bodies and, she pulses with desire; aches with it.

How she wants this man.

She realizes for the first time just how long it has actually been. Even way before the girls were born, her size made it impossible to have sex the traditional way. And when you haven't had it for so long, there's something to be said for traditional. The face-to-face of it, the eye contact.

Rick props himself on his elbows, his forearms at either side of her head. He's looks so beautiful above her, she feels so beautiful beneath him.

"You ready to step up to the plate?" She teases him.

"More than ready. Do you need to inspect my bat?"

He flexes his muscles pressing his body more firmly between her legs. She can't help but moan, her nails dig into his lower back. She spreads her legs even wider pressing her heels into the backs of his thighs.

"Feels like quality equipment to me." She's practically panting.

He lifts slightly, allowing the tiniest bit of space between them. She shivers as the chill of the air-conditioned room hits her moistness; she's soaked them both.

"I've decided, as much as I really love those bases."

He hovers mere inches from where she wants him, and she wants him badly. But she knows how he loves his metaphors; how he hates to leave them hanging. Even though currently he's the one hanging...

"Hmm?" She urges him on.

He pushes forward slightly; joins their bodies by a mere touch of tip to lips. "I think I've found something that may just blow them all three out of the water."

Kate arches up, circles her hips; preps his bat if you will. "Pointing that piece of ash at centerfield huh, Babe?" And yeah, she's pretty sure that just might've been triple-entendre; maybe quadruple.

"Just like Mr. Ruth; calling my shot, going for the big score."

He then without hesitation he slides home.


	6. Chapter 6

"Alexis!"

Kate jumps and even though the fridge door closes behind her, immediately returning the kitchen to relative darkness, she instinctively grabs both sides of her open shirt as best she can with full hands, pulls it across her mostly bare body.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

Kate places the bottle of water and baby monitor on the island, glances at the digital readout on the microwave as she engages a few buttons, then settles onto the stool next to Alexis, "Everything okay?"

"Can't sleep," The girl's voice is thick and sluggish; she's clearly tired.

"Body or mind?"

Alexis chuckles, "Mind."

"What's going through that pretty little head of yours, hmm?" She runs her fingers through her daughter's mussed hair; smoothes her hand across slumped shoulders.

"The girls."

Kate's eyes flicker to the small electronic device in front of her, the green light is illuminated. She can hear the soft sounds of her babies breathing in tandem. Although she'd been preoccupied, she's pretty sure they've been asleep for the last few hours; she hasn't even heard them stir.

"They give you that much trouble tonight?"

"Of course not, they were perfect." Alexis shakes her head; a soft smile adorns her lips, made visible only by the moonlight streaming in through the window. "That's the problem; they're just so perfect."

"Um, I'm not sure I'm following." Could be the hour, could be the endorphins still coursing through her body, not to mention being slightly startled just now. "I'm gonna need a little more..."

"It's nothing really, just…"Alexis stops, chews on her bottom lip; must realize the time and moves to get up. "…no big deal Kate, the girls…"

"Are still sound asleep, and now I know it's a big deal because you just called me Kate." Something she hasn't done since before the girls were born.

The younger woman settles, gives her mother an apologetic smile, and takes a deep breath before diving in. "It's just, I think they know me. Not that I'm their sister per se, but they know I'm someone - that loves them and am here for them."

Kate's not really sure if that was a question, but she answers all the same. "They know you as well as they know their father and me, Alexis. They love you, however able they are to _love_ at this age."

"But if I go, will they know me when I come back? Will they smile at me like they do now? Will they let me rock them to sleep or even hold them for that matter?"

Kate tries to do the math in her head; the twins are just over seven weeks old, Alexis leaves for college in just over four weeks and won't be back until Thanksgiving; the babies would be close to five months old by then. She honestly has no idea what they'll be capable of at that age, she hasn't gotten that far in any of the childhood development books she'd planned on reading; hasn't read much more than fairy tales and nursery rhymes lately.

"Sorry Sweetie, I'm not sure."

"That's just it, I'm not sure either. Not sure that I want to miss the first time they sit up on their own, or the first time Dad feeds them baby food from a jar and ends up with more green beans on himself than in their mouths. I can't stand the thought of watching them crawl on some random video that he sends while I'm on the complete other side of the country learning about Art Appreciation or The Ottoman Empire."

She finally stops her rant; out of breath and completely befuddled.

Kate doesn't really know what to say, suddenly she's utterly besieged with thoughts of jar food, and scraped knees, and video messages. Overwhelmed with what's to come and with the fact that, like Alexis, she may miss a lot of it while she's at work – more so, that her husband will get to witness all of it.

Then Alexis' voice brings her back, "I'm not sure I want to have to _'get to know them' _all over again."

* * *

><p>He wakes to her supple fingers on his face. Her touch is light; barely a weight against his stubble covered jaw.<p>

He doesn't open his eyes; keeps them closed so he can paint the picture in his mind.

She's close; he can tell by the way her scent envelopes the air around him. So clean and familiar, it fills his chest, not just his lungs, but his heart too; so full of her.

She breathes in and out, so soft and steady; a rhythm that lulls him to peaceful slumber most nights.

He wonders if her eyes are open. He pictures them, big and bright, boring into him. She's always been able to see him, sees the best in him; the man he is because of her.

She shuffles in the bed. He can hear her legs as they brush against the soft sheets. With a hum she flexes her fingers against his cheek.

And he can't help himself, can't not look at her any longer; he opens his eyes.

Although it was a beautiful picture in his head, the reality is so much more.

She's mere inches from him, lying on her side. Her arm is stretched out, she clings to his face. Her vibrant blue eyes stare into his, widen upon recognition that he's awake and looking at her; her Daddy.

The pacifier falls from her mouth; still too uncoordinated to multi-task as she smiles at him, all gums and slobbery tongue, and it's a little crooked because she's got one cheek pressed against the mattress, but nonetheless, she's beautiful.

He melts beneath the weight of it; of how much he loves her.

He loves all his girls with an immeasurable depth, loves them all equally, loves them all enough to know he'd lay down his life in their stead, but there's just something about his youngest, his Lil'bit, his Mini-Kate.

This one's got him and she knows it; he's rapt or is it wrapped? Probably both...

"Look who I found."

Kate leans across him with a warm hand to his bare back. She kisses the petite fingers still resting on his face, then climbs in, stretching her body over his; her front aligned with his back, her hands at his shoulders, her thighs straddling just above his hips. Her voice soft and way too sexy considering there's an infant in their bed; maybe two, he's not sure.

"Elena ate and fell right back to sleep, but not this one."

She settles at his back with her cheek at his shoulder. Her lashes brush his skin and he can feel her smiling. He watches her hand reach across the short space to gently nudge Erin's cheek with her knuckle.

"Hey baby girl, no giving Daddy the goo-goo eyes. That's Mommy's job."

Her right hand tickles low at his bare side, her nails scratching the sensitive flesh. Rick buries his face in the sheet; he can't help but groan as she teases.

"Kate…"

He means it to sound like something of a warning. Wants her to think he'll flip her over right here, and press her into the mattress if she doesn't stop. And he would if she hadn't already completely worn him out; ruined him for any further activity without a few hours of sleep, at least.

"Sorry, sometimes I forget you're an old man."

"Kate!" He almost growls it this time, because she's knows what happens when she challenges him. And really, does she want that right now, right here?

"Sorry, sorry." She laughs as she says it, but her kiss to his shoulder, his cheek, his arm proves she means it.

"Hey, you want me to rock her for a while, see if I can get her to sleep? Let you get some rest?"

She relaxes again, drops her head back to his shoulder, and shakes it back and forth.

"Do you ever wonder what they'll be? What she'll be?"

He notices how she amends the question. It bothers her that they lump the twins together so often. She wants to make sure they're thought of as individuals; two independent people that happen to share the same face, same voice, same birthday. It's hard to do; Kate's diligent about it. He tries to be.

"I already know what she'll be."

"Hmm?" she hums, too caught up in watching her baby to articulate the whole question.

"She'll be beautiful."

She huffs at him, digs her chin into his shoulder blade. "Not what I asked."

"You didn't let me finish, and ouch by the way." Because he knows what she asked, but he can't think about that. He can't think about her all grown up, maybe following in her mother's footsteps; choosing danger as her life's work. So, "She'll be beautiful, and compassionate, and smart, and funny." And he means it, believes it, because he doesn't know of any other way she could be. Not with Kate as her mother. "She's already you in every other way."

Erin lets out a faint noise; it's barely a hiccup, but the spit-up flows anyway. The creamy mixture pours slowly out of her mouth and pools on sheet. She smiles through the whole thing, doesn't even seem to notice she's done it.

"Okay, maybe she's a little like me." Rick jokes as Kate lifts to reach the wipes on the nightstand then uses one to wipe the baby's face and then the mess; makes a mental note to change the sheets sometime tomorrow.

"But seriously Kate, no matter what she chooses to do with her life I already know she'll be extraordinary."

* * *

><p><strong>Sorry for the delay, had a death in the family. I'll try to pick up the pace.<strong>

**This fic needed a little Alexis, kinda setting the tone of where this thing will go with her.**

**Hope you liked it, let me know...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Because in my opinion one of the best ways a mother can love her children is by loving their father…**

* * *

><p>Kate concentrates on her breathing; the deep intake of oxygen followed by the hard exhale of everything else. The rhythm of her feet hitting the pavement matches the staccato of her heart, knees jolting with every percussive step.<p>

Three more blocks.

Three more very long blocks, because every property in the Hamptons is lush and beautiful and _sprawling_.

Normally she'd take time to admire the landscaping, the foliage, the architecture. She'd acknowledge the passers-by with a polite smile and maybe even an occasional greeting.

But not today.

Not now that the unseasonably cool morning, having lured her farther from home than she'd intended, has suddenly turned into a fire-breathing scorcher of an afternoon. And especially not, when all she can hear over the sounds of her own ragged breathing and the pounding of her athletic shoes against cement, is the heartbreaking screams of her children.

The sound rushes back at her in stereo, hurts her ears, pierces her heart.

One more block.

She turns right, it's a tight corner but she makes it easily, the turn that is. What's after the turn requires quick thinking and even quicker maneuvering. Thank God, and Rick for insisting on this high-end double jogger thing, cause right now it's handling better than the Ferrari.

She narrowly misses a small blonde boy. He's carrying a red plastic bucket and babbling on about something Kate can't hear, because all she can hear is them; her children and he's not hers.

A young dark skinned woman grabs at the boy, pulls him out of the path of what must look like a wild-woman and surely sounds like a couple of wild-babies. The woman narrows dark eyes at Kate. Gives her that, what-kind-of-mother-are-you glare; the one Kate has already seen too many times in the eight short weeks she's been a parent.

Mothers; the most judgmental creatures on earth. When it comes to other mothers, that is.

Usually she ignores it, doesn't care what the other mom's think of her.

Occasionally she gives it right back.

But not today, because today she's asking herself the same question.

_What kind of mother are you?_

As she makes one final swerve to avoid the stunned pair on the sidewalk, she looks to the other woman in apology, as if a glance can say I'm sorry for almost mowing down your kid with mine.

That's when it hits her, her Detective skills kicking in, she's a little rusty, but she sees it.

The little towheaded boy in his too-cute Ralph Lauren shorts, fair skin still shiny with recently applied sun-block walking with this young woman; dark hair, dark skin, dark eyes, youthful in age if not in experience.

It eases something in Kate.

_What kind of mother are you?_

There are so many answers to that question.

She's the fickle kind that chastises her husband for spending almost a thousand dollars on a stroller then inwardly sings the praises of said stroller for earning every dollar spent on it.

Maybe she's the frugal kind that, even though she can afford to spend sixty dollars on a onsie, prefers to buy six in a pack for around ten dollars, because really..?

And she's definitely the stupid kind that tosses her kids in a jogging stroller then losses herself in time and space until only the sound of their over-stimulated, over-heated, over-tired cries bring her back to the present.

_What kind of mother are you?_

She turns into their driveway, takes one last glance over her shoulder at the mismatched pair still heading in the opposite direction; toward the beach, or the town square, or the park maybe.

Really she has no idea where they're headed.

Right now all she knows is the only thing that matters.

_What kind of mother are you?_

The fickle, frugal, stupid, overprotective kind.

The kind that may make mistakes, but that's also there to fix them, to make it better.

_What kind of mother are you?_

She proud to say that, unlike most of the mothers in this town, she's the _present_ kind.

* * *

><p>"Your father is going to kill me."<p>

She laughs but it's mirthless, a little hysterical even, because although they're inside now, at the expense of the Ferrari's paint job and even a piece of wood molding around the kitchen door frame - that thousand dollar stroller just got much more expensive – the girls are still screaming.

She's laid them both out on the floor of the living room. It's the same spot they spend a few minutes of 'tummy-time' at every day.

They're soaked; sweating from head to toe, dark hair dripping with fat drops of moisture. Both of their faces mottled with red blotches. Whether a result of being over-heated or from the utter tantrum they're each throwing she's not sure.

She unbuttons the front of their rompers hoping to offer them both some temporary relief while she concentrates on getting them undressed, one at a time. She hesitates for just a second, not sure which one to help first. They don't generally fuss at the same time, so the choice is usually made for her; just attend to whichever one has the most need in the moment. On the rare occasion that they both get fired up, there are always extra hands around to help.

She reaches for Elena, first born, it's as good an excuse as any, makes a mental note to go for Erin first next time, makes a better mental note to try to avoid having a next time.

The girl is in total meltdown mode. Her body is stiff; her arms bent at the elbows, hands clenched in tight fists aside her shoulders. She keeps her eyes squeezed shut, tears pouring out of each corner. Her mouth is wide and her tongue vibrates with each scream.

Loud screams; one after another, barely making time to take a breath in between.

Kate's never seen Elena like this. Although Erin has been close a few times when dealing with some of her intestinal issues, but it has never gotten this far; this bad, and never from shear anger.

Yeah, her kids got their momma's temper. Who knew?

Castle's not gonna let her live this one down.

* * *

><p>Kate hastily climbs the stairs that connect the library to the master bedroom. Her heart is beating much like it had on her frantic run home. Her legs wobble from exhaustion and panic.<p>

She can't find him.

"Rick?"

It had taken some time and brute force to get both Elena and Erin stripped basically naked, but for their diapers. It took even longer, and many soothing words from their mommy to calm them enough to finally drop off to sleep.

It wasn't until she found herself lying on the floor, singing to her exhausted daughters that she realized something must be wrong.

He should be here – somewhere, writing.

After all, that's what had started this whole thing.

He'd told her he'd been inspired. He'd said it was because of her; his muse. She'd snorted and asked him when the word muse became synonymous with sex, because that's when he'd started writing again; well, the morning after anyway.

And every morning since, for the last week.

So she tried her best to leave him to it.

She ran on the treadmill, with the girls playing in their bouncies on the workout room floor. She swam laps in the pool while the babies slept. She curled up, an infant in each arm, in the window seat at the back of the kitchen to watch the tide roll in.

She savored every moment spent with them while he worked, because that's what he's promised to do for her in just three more weeks.

Rick; always the good daddy, the involved daddy.

The easily distracted daddy.

Because he'd hear the buzz of the treadmill and sneak into the gym to tell them all a story while she ran. He'd hear the splashing water and grab the baby monitor off the pool deck to take it with him to the kitchen while he made her lunch. He'd hear the blast of the lifeguard's horn signaling the change in tide and abandon his laptop to find them; to curl up with them.

Today she wanted him to write without distraction. So she went running to let him do just that.

But where is he now?

If the buzz of a treadmill, the splash of pool water, or the distant blow of a horn was enough to bring him running, how could he not hear his screaming children; his frustrated wife?

"Rick?" She calls again louder as she reaches the landing.

The room is dark; all the curtains have been pulled. The air feels stale and stuffy and oh… She catches the hint of something funky as she passes the open bathroom door. She reaches in, pulls the door closed; she'll deal with that later.

"Rick?" One more time before she completely panics.

The lump on the bed moves slightly. She hears a soft rumble and climbs over the mattress to kneel next to him. She can feel the heat radiating from his body; even through the sheet. She peels it back, sees his bare back glistening with sweat, his hair dark and drenched; very much like his daughters less than an hour ago, and…

Oh damn.

She'll need to dig out the baby thermometer he'd packed.

"Kate?"

"What's wrong Baby?" She's apparently having trouble shifting out of mommy-mode right now.

"Sick." He doesn't lift his head; talks into the mattress. "My head and…"

"Yeah, I got the _and_ when I passed the bathroom."

His body jerks as he tries to laugh. Then he grimaces. "Don't make me laugh. Hurts."

"Sorry."

"Me too."

"For what?"

"The bathroom."

She laughs at that, can't help it.

"Kate?"

"Yeah Babe?"

"The girls."

She shushes him with a thumb to his lips, cards her fingers through his damp hair. He's shivering and roasting at the same time.

"Asleep. Downstairs. They had uh… a rough morning." She'll fill him in on the details later.

"Go," he shoves weakly at her knees, "don't want you to get sick – make them sick. Go take care of your babies."

"Who's gonna take care of you? My biggest baby."

"Alexis?"

"Um?" She waits him out, gives his fever addled mind time to figure that one out.

"Oh right… Hilton Head."

Yeah, Alexis and Shelby have been gone for three days. They decided to take a road trip down the east coast. See the sites; the Outer Banks, Charleston, maybe Hilton Head.

"Go Kate. Babies need a good mommy."

She's sees him flinch at his poor word choice.

"Healthy. Jeez, I meant healthy. They've already got a good mommy."

Kate leans down, kisses his shoulder, his cheek, his forehead; loving kisses, she knows – healing kisses, she hopes. "Yeah, and they already have the best daddy."

* * *

><p><strong>Wasn't till I finished writing this that I realized Castle has spent the last two Chapters basically face down in bed.<strong>

**Oh well, Castle in bed? _Always_ works for me… **


	8. Chapter 8

"I just don't understand, Kate."

"_What_ don't you understand?"

"I thought when you said…" Jim pauses, shakes his head, "…never mind, I guess I misunderstood."

"Misunderstood what?"

Kate knows she's beginning to sound petulant, disrespectful even. She wasn't raised to speak to her father this way. Of course there had been a time when he hadn't acted much like a father. So maybe this is her turn to _not_ act like a daughter.

Turnabout's fair play right?

"Look Katie, you've had a long couple of days and you're exhausted. I'm sorry I brought it up." Jim adjusts his hold on Erin as he stands from the barstool to head into the living room. "We can talk about this another time."

Kate watches him leave, debates her options; because yeah, she is exhausted.

Her husband has been down for three days with what the doctor _thinks_ is a severe case of food poisoning. She hasn't had much sleep between taking care of the twins and making sure Rick stays hydrated so they don't spend yet another night in the emergency room with him hooked up to an IV, and her huddled in the corner with two very cranky babies.

But…

She invited her father here for his help not his judgment, and she's just on edge enough to remind him of that fact.

So she follows; tries to walk lightly despite the force of her growing agitation. She does have a sleeping baby on her shoulder, after all.

"No Dad, we can talk about this right now."

Her sharp voice at his back startles Jim and he flinches slightly as he bends forward to place Erin in the nearest baby swing.

Kate sees his shoulders stiffen slightly and hears the long exhalation that comes out as a hiss. But he doesn't turn immediately, just presses the button on the plush frog-like toy hanging near his granddaughter's head. As a lullaby plays softly he reaches down to the baby, strokes her head gently while she swings, and waits for her eyes to drift shut.

Kate recognizes his tactic, remembers it very well from her rebellious teenage years. She was an impatient stubborn child, always ready to prove her worth, and to his credit, Jim Beckett was always there ready to put her in her place. Not with yelling or berating like other fathers, but with calm rational discussion until eventually she saw the error of her ways or, until her ill-tempered arguing got her thoroughly and deservedly punished.

Finally he turns and he's oh so calm. "Okay Katherine, you wanna talk? You can start by telling me why you feel like you _have_ to go back to work?"

Now it's her turn to be startled.

Maybe it's the fatigue or maybe it's her father's whole attitude since his arrival this afternoon that has her floundering, because, for the life of her, she didn't see this one coming.

"Excuse me?"

Jim takes a seat on the couch, crosses his legs, places folded hands on his knee. And now she really feels like she's sixteen again and she's just been caught sneaking in after curfew.

"Don't pull that with me. We both know you heard what I said." His voice is steady but does take on a hint of hostility; he's never taken kindly to being treated like a suspect.

Her father is right, of course she knows what he said; she heard every word.

"Because it's my job." She blurts out as if that explains it all.

"Just think about that for a minute." Jim tries reasoning with her. "Why do most people work? Why do they have jobs?"

Kate begins to pace the room, she can't look at him right now; she has to keep moving. She hates that he is so calm; or hates that she isn't. She doesn't respond, and that's enough of an answer for him.

"That's what I thought. Kind of hard to answer that when you have more money than you'll ever need in this lifetime, huh?"

She turns, the words flying out as she stalks across the room in his direction. "Mom worked even though you made enough money to support us, and you never had a problem with it."

"Yeah, and you see where that got her." Jim bites back sharply even as his face fills with it; the loss. He never was one to sugar-coat the facts. "You see where that got _us_, Katie."

"That's not fair." Oh yeah, she's used that one on him plenty of times.

"_Fair_?" Jim's voice raises and Kate stops in her tracks to look at him. "How is this _fair_ to them?" He nods to the baby in her arms, then to the one swinging peacefully nearby. "What if they have to grow up without their mommy? And what about Rick? Is it _fair_ to make him live with that day-in and day-out? To constantly worry that one day his wife may not come home again, ever? Or Alexis to lose another mother? What about me, Kate? What do you think it'll do to me? I already lost the first love of my life; don't make me lose the other."

Kate opens her mouth to argue; to tell him that it's more than just a job, that she and Rick have discussed it, and Alexis understands, and that, just like she did, her babies will still have their father if...

But she can't speak; the words sit dormant and heavy on her tongue.

"Kate?"

She spins on her heel to find her husband standing in the doorway that leads to the library. Rick is pale, he has dark circles under his eyes, his hair sticks up in every direction. He's been so ill; she's pretty sure she's never seen anyone as sick as he's been. Thankfully the vomiting subsided earlier in the day, but he still looks so week, so tired, so thin.

"Rick?"

She starts towards him, needs to make sure he's okay, but he shakes his head to stay her.

He walks purposefully across the room, releases Erin from the swing's safety straps to lift her to his chest. When he approaches Kate there's a look in his eyes she doesn't recognize. His jaw is set like he's angry, but his eyes are full of sorrow or disappointment; she can't tell which.

He stops in-front of her, nods to Elena. "Bedtime Kate."

"Rick, you're in no shape..."

He cuts her off, almost like he doesn't even want to hear her, "Bedtime."

She doesn't hand the baby over; she's not sure he has enough strength to carry them both, much less climb the stairs with them.

"I'll come with you. I'll help."

He shakes his head again, "I don't think you're finished here Kate."

He's right.

She gives in.

Once they're alone, Jim lets out a ragged breath and Kate is surprised by the change in his eyes. Sure there's still that steely determination that says 'father-knows-best', but there's also a sadness; a regret.

Whatever he's about to say is going to cut them both to the quick; will most likely leave her filleted, open and wounded.

"I just thought that maybe you'd finally had enough…" He pauses again, trails his eyes in the direction her family just left. "I'd foolishly hoped that _they_ would be enough."

* * *

><p>Kate didn't get to put her daughters to bed; didn't go through the nightly routine of bath, book, and bedtime. So now she just feels off. The memory of the way Rick looked at her when he took their children away earlier isn't helping either.<p>

She wants to check on the girls once more before finding her husband to face the music.

Kate stops just outside the bedroom door; the room nearest the master. Her hands are full; a mug of hot chocolate for herself, a glass of water and some medicine for Rick. She nudges the door, already ajar, with her foot.

Due to their daddy's illness Kate was forced to move the girls to their own room. The first night because they feared he might be contagious. The two nights since, because his constant up and down would have done nothing for her attempts at getting them to sleep through the night.

Alexis' furniture still fills the large room, along with all of her childhood things.

She'd insisted on her sisters being close to their parents. And besides, the room is already painted pink, and with all the work her father had done in the nursery at the loft, the last thing he needed to worry about was trying to redecorate another room that didn't really get used all that often anyway.

So for now there is one crib standing in the large space between Alexis' bed and her dresser. When the girls get too big to share they'll add another crib and when they outgrow those, they'll replace them with another twin bed to match the original.

Kate likes the idea of Erin and Elena growing up alongside their big sisters cherished belongings.

When the door finally swings all the way open she's surprised to find Rick still there. The nightlight across the room barely illuminates the space, but she can see him well enough. He's in the rocker with Elena in his arms. He rocks gently, his large hands cradling his baby high against his bare chest, his lips softly skimming her cheek.

She cocks an eyebrow in question and the corners of his mouth curl up slightly in answer; Elena's fine, he's fine.

Kate juggles their drinks finally managing to sit them on the nightstand as she makes her way to the side of the crib.

Erin is asleep, propped on her side, both arms folded peacefully in front of her face, almost as if she were praying. Her pacifier bobs rhythmically as she sucks, her belly rises and falls as she breathes noisily through her nose.

It floors Kate every time; the sight of her child. Her heart floods with overwhelming joy and contented pride.

She made that, in all its perfection.

She strokes her fingers over the girl's soft forehead. It's a light touch; she doesn't want to wake her. The baby doesn't feel warm, but Kate makes a mental note to check the baby's temp at their next feeding; that nose just sounds too stuffy for her liking.

"Hey." Rick whispers at her side.

"She asleep?"

He twists his torso, gives her a close up view of Elena, sound asleep with her cheek pillowed atop his shoulder, her neck stretched to expose the rarely-seen crevice that collects everything; fuzz, spit-up, sweat. Kate has to resist the urge to grab a wipe and scrub the area clean; motherhood has taught her to take advantage of every opportunity.

But no, not this time.

The precious girl looks so peaceful with her rosy cheeks, wide-open mouth, and sweaty curls.

Kate's heart flutters in her chest. Yeah, somehow she created that one too.

"Wait."

Rick stills at the warm hand to his back. He was going to put the baby to bed, but...

"I just want to look at her a little longer."

He sways slightly. He can't be sure if it's because of his weakened state or because of her; his amazing wife and the love she has for his children.

He feels another hand, this one cold, as it wraps around his waist, settles at his belly with just enough pressure to steady the swaying.

She rises up behind him, her toes crack against the hardwood floor. Warm breath skirts his scapula and goosebumps erupt on his clammy skin.

He can't see her, but he knows what she's doing; has seen her do it some many times. She's kissing their baby, loving on their daughter.

And he can't keep himself upright anymore, not without help. "Kate."

"I got you."

She wraps her strong arms around him, lines her front along his back, and squeezes him tightly.

It's just enough.

He tilts forward to gently lay Elena on the firm mattress. She's not like her sister; she doesn't require propping or patting or a pacifier to keep her in dreamland. This one sleeps like a champ, doesn't let anything rouse her.

"Rick?" She almost hums it into his back; her lips between his shoulder blades.

"Yeah Love?" He winds his fingers with hers across his stomach.

"You'd tell me if you didn't want me to go back to work, wouldn't you?"

Ah, yeah the fight with her dad. He didn't really want to talk about it yet. He does feel bad for the way he interrupted, but he didn't want his girls there for it either.

"No Love I wouldn't."

He squeezes her hands tight, won't let her pull away. She doesn't put up much of a fight.

"Rick?" It comes out on a sob, her whole body shakes against his.

Damn, he doesn't have the energy for this, neither of them do; not tonight.

"Kate." He doesn't mean for it to sound so scolding, but he just can't; she can't. "This one is on you Babe. You can't ask me. I don't get to decide."

He turns in her embrace, moves his hands to her face, and lifts it to his. He sees the moist streaks on her cheeks, the still unshed tears pooled on her lashes.

"I just want you to be happy Kate. That's what I want more than anything. So you have to ask yourself. Am I…" He closes his eyes, his forehead meets hers, "…are we enough to make you happy Kate?"

* * *

><p><strong>Parenthood, so full of tough choices. And guilt.<strong>


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for the delay. I should do better over the next few weeks.**

**This one really fought me; still not sure it's right. I need to forward the agenda of the story, but still be true to the characters. I hope I've done both. **

**_Kris_, I hope this is at least a life raft. I don't want you dying after all.**

* * *

><p>"Kinda quite today?"<p>

Kate doesn't respond just hums and snuggles in closer.

"Whatcha thinkin?"

"That I have no idea how you've sold so many books with grammar like that."

Kate tilts her head, kisses Rick's jaw; she's teasing him of course, so he just grunts, squeezes her shoulders, presses his lips to the top of her head as she dips it back down to watch Erin who's about midway through mealtime at her breast.

Rick surveys the park in front of them.

The weather is beautiful. The temperature is mild for mid-September. Just warm enough that he and Kate could walk to the park without breaking into a sweat. Yet not so cool that the babies need to wear anything heavier than a onsie and some socks. Of course both babies have since kicked off their socks, even in the short time they've been here. In fact, looking at everything strewn around the small area they're currently inhabiting, Rick only counts three tiny socks in total.

Figures.

He's convinced. His kids are in cahoots with the dryer.

His eyes wander over some of the people scattered about the recreational area. A few guys with their dogs, a young couple lying in the sun with ear buds in, some families with kids, older than his, playing catch or Frisbee rather; just enough people to remind them that they're in New York, but not enough to feel cramped.

Kate woke this morning wanting to get out; no cars, no plans, just fly-by-the-seat-of-their-pants.

He had managed to pull together an impromptu picnic while she was busy throwing things into the diaper bag. She hadn't even noticed what he'd done until they were headed out the door, basket-in-hand. She did make an attempt at scolding him with a sharp glare at the basket, but he just nodded his head at the overstuffed Vera Bradley slung over her shoulder. Seems her idea of no plans didn't extend to the babies.

Rick shifts slightly; the tree at his back scratching somewhat through his thin tee-shirt, and he's pretty sure he's sitting on a root. It's the only thing he can figure could be digging painfully into his tailbone. Luckily the slight movement seems to have shifted the blanket beneath them just enough to cushion the sting.

Even so…

Sunday brunch; picnic-style in Central Park with his wife and daughters? Yeah, he's feeling no pain.

"You need me to move?"

Kate starts to shift but doesn't really know which way to go. Technically she's holding both babies; feeding the one in her arms, the other asleep on her lap. She's sitting sideways between his legs, both bent at the knees; the left at her back acting as a buffer between her and the tree they're both tucked into for seclusion, the right supporting her outstretched legs at the back of her knees. She's kicked off her sandals; like mother like daughters, and her toes crack every now and then as she flexes them.

She's letting him cradle her?

"No Love, I'm perfect."

Kate relaxes, twisting sideways a little more into his chest so she can finish nursing Erin with some sort of privacy from any possible on-lookers. Elena's head wags slightly and she kicks her sister in the back in an attempt to stretch, but she stays asleep. Erin grunts in protest, gives Kate a mournful look but continues to eat. Just another example of how easily those two can butt heads.

Siblings…?

"How could I not be perfect? It's a perfect day."

He squeezes her tighter, nudges at the base of her neck with his arm. She tips it back, gives him the same look their youngest daughter just gave for being disturbed, but she lets his bicep act as a pillow, waits for his lips to descend on hers.

After a few seconds Kate pulls backs, responds with a reverent whisper, "Perfect Summer."

Her eyes sparkle; so joyous, so open. He feels the sudden need to know her story; their story really, but through her eyes, in her words. It's now or never; while she's still pliable from breastfeeding. Something about hormones or endorphins or he's not really sure what, but he likes it. Likes what it does to her.

"What was the best part," He starts without really thinking, "about this summer?"

Kate barks a laugh that startles him and both babies then quirks her eyebrows at him as if she thinks he's crazy.

"Um? I think the answer to that should be pretty obvious."

Erin's done eating so Kate sits up slightly, quickly making herself more presentable before propping Erin up on her lap, her hand cupping the baby's chubby chin. She grabs the pacifier from somewhere, probably wedged between them and sticks it in Elena's mouth before beginning the interminable task of getting Erin to burp.

He watches, absolutely enthralled with how effortlessly she cares for his kids.

She smirks up at him from under those amazingly long lashes, knows he's completely lost track of the conversation.

"What I meant was…" He stammers.

"Uh-huh." She's totally making fun of him now.

"…what has been the best part about having the girls?"

Kate tilts her head back into his chest, her forehead resting against the side of his throat. The movement causes Elena to tip sideways into his abdomen; pacifier falling free as she complains with a growl. He slides his free hand up Kate's smooth legs; he's been unconsciously rubbing her feet for who knows how long, and rights the baby. He replaces the lost pacifier with a bent knuckle against her gums to let her chew. Might not be the most sanitary thing right now, but who cares.

At twelve weeks the twins are still a bit small for their age weighing in around ten pounds apiece at their appointment the previous morning, but that's to be expected for preemies. However, they've been reaching other milestones ahead of schedule; teething being one of them. No teeth have erupted yet, but he's pretty sure it's not too far off with the way Elena chews everything she can get her mouth on. Oh, and the slobber. It's already dripping down his wrist.

"Everything." Kate finally answers.

"No way, that's cheating." He whines at her. "_Everything_ can't be the best part."

"Well for me it is. I mean, I didn't particularly love the sleep deprivation, but that's gotten better."

"See!" He sounds triumphant. "Not everything was great. Sleep deprivation definitely the worst part."

He feels her stiffen slightly, her warm breath hitches across his throat.

"I think not having my mom here… That she'll never know them, that they'll never know her. That's the worse part." She lifts Erin to her chest, presses her lips softy against the dark waves.

His heart sinks; goes from triumphant to absolutely broken in a matter of seconds.

"Ah Kate."

"I'm okay. I just wonder…"

She doesn't finish the sentence. He knows what she wonders; they've had this discussion before. If her mother were here would _they_ be here? Not just the babies, but them; him and her. It's a question with no answer; the chicken or the egg.

But he likes hearing about Johanna, doesn't want her to not to talk about her mother, and he wants his children to know about her too.

"What kind of grandmother would she have been, you think?" He tries to keep his voice light, doesn't want any darkness to mar this day.

She chuckles, grabs a wipe from the diaper bag at her left hip to swipe away the pool of drool collecting in his hand. She leaves the wet cloth crumpled in his palm to soak up the flowing stream. He thanks her with a squeeze; he still has one arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"She wouldn't be a typical grandma. She wasn't the kind to let me pawn my responsibilities off onto others, that's for sure."

Kate fiddles with the cute little butterfly buttons on Elena's chest. Her dad got them the outfits; pale yellow with embroidered flowers and plastic butterfly buttons. Choking hazards he thinks, but Kate looks at them like they are the cutest things she's ever seen. So he doesn't say anything, but he will spend most of the day counting buttons; three on each infant, always three.

"So no free babysitting? No stuffing them full of candy then sending them home on a sugar high?"

"More like sending them home complaining that she made them read and fed them vegetables."

"Nothing wrong with a good book and some carrots."

"Brussel sprouts, Castle, brussel sprouts."

"Eck!" He gags a little. "Dodged a bullet on that one, girls."

His mouth says it before his brain can stop him, but Kate laughs at that one. Gallows humor has always made sense to her, but she does lay her head back against his chest. Grows quiet again except for a soft humming he's pretty sure is for Erin's benefit. She kicks her feet gently allowing the rocking motion to sooth Elena.

"I can't believe this is it; the last day."

And there it is. The reason she couldn't just sit at home today and count down the hours. The thing that's made her quiet and cuddly and sentimental about her mom.

Tomorrow.

She goes back to work.

"It doesn't have to be."

"Castle."

The word sounds scolding, but he doesn't think she's mad; just resigned to the fact that they've agreed to disagree.

She's going back to work. He doesn't want her to, but he won't tell her that. She has to make that choice on her own. They've had more than one fight about it over that last few weeks, but he won't budge. He can't be the reason she quits her job. He won't use the girls as an excuse either.

"It's not because you're not enough; not because our family isn't enough. You know that right?"

She's perfectly still, he's not even sure she's breathing. He needs to answer her, but he doesn't know how. Why else would she choose to go back to the precinct? They don't need the money; her mother's case is in the hands of the feds. He really has no clue.

She answers for him. "I'm not sure I'm enough. I don't really know how not to be a cop." She's fiddling with his shirt now, pinching the fabric between her fingertips. "Can I really just be a wife and a mother and not drive you all absolutely crazy?"

"First of all, you'll never just be a wife and a mother. You're a daughter, a friend, the smartest person I've ever known. You're driven and committed and compassionate and…"

"I get it." She flattens her hand over his chest. "So you like me a little, huh?"

"Kate!" She's so… "I love you and you're infuriating sometimes."

"See, that's what I mean. If I didn't work you'd be trying to get rid of me on no time."

He can't tell if she's kidding or serious. Does the really think that? She can't think that, can't believe that.

"Oh Kate? God no."

He leans forward, makes sure Elena is secure on her mom's lap then scoops Kate up into his. He holds her close, holds her tight. Too tight probably, but that's all he ever wants; all he ever needs.

Kate and their children; his whole heart's desire.

"Go back to work – I'll love you. Stay home with us – I'll love you. Grow three heads – I'll love you, Kate."

He presses his lips to her forehead.

"You're more than enough Kate; for me, for the girls, for Alexis. Always Kate. Always."

* * *

><p><strong>I know is seems I'm rehashing the subject of Kate going back to work, but this is really what this story is about. That and the repercussions.<strong>

**The parental guilt that comes with being a working mom. It's intense. **

**One reviewer thought Castle was being passive-aggressive in his approach to the subject in the last chapter. I hope this helps. **


	10. Chapter 10

**Pure Fluff**

* * *

><p>"Thank you! Daddy, I love you! Thank you!"<p>

Alexis is a whirling dervish. She's jumping up and down, spinning in circles like she can't contain her excitement. She kisses her dad's cheek, runs around the bar to where Kate sits on a stool holding Elena.

"Mom! Thank you!"

She cants in for an awkward hug, not wanting to crush the baby, and then leans down to pinch a set of chubby smiling cheeks.

"And you," Alexis uses her best baby voice, kisses the gaping toothless mouth with flourish, being sure to make as much noise at possible, "I told you your big sister wasn't going to leave you."

Alexis pulls back continuing to talk directly to Elena who is completely enthralled by the chatter.

The infant watches the teenager with wide-eyed enchantment. Kate thinks it must have something to do with the red hair, because both babies watch Martha the same exact way; mouths cavernous but still somehow curled up at the corners, fisted hands reaching out slightly with wriggling fingers as if yearning to get a fistful of the fiery locks, and feet kicking in delight.

Alexis pauses, waits with anticipation like she's expecting something. When she doesn't get it she dips back in for another quick sloppy kiss, pulls back with shiny cheeks that make Kate laugh. The sudden movement at the baby's back finally does it.

Elena laughs.

It's short; one note actually, much like Kate's but deeper, huskier, and somehow still nasally.

Rick turns from the sink; he'd been in the middle of cooking dinner when Alexis and Shelby had timidly asked to have a chat with them. His eyes fall to his middle daughter and Kate sees his Adam's apple bob slowly in his throat. His eyes pool with moisture and she thinks he might cry.

Yeah she might too.

Because that's a sound neither one of them has _ever_ heard from their baby.

Kate wants to hear it again and again and again.

"Oh, you think I'm funny, huh?"

Alexis, completely unaware that their world was just rocked, lifts the baby from Kate's arms, raises her in the air, and spins around before sauntering to the living room leaving both of her parents completely reeling.

* * *

><p>Kate pauses halfway down the stairs, takes a few cleansing breaths, wipes away the tears with the back of her hand before descending the remaining steps.<p>

She sees him as soon as her bare feet hit the hardwood. He's at the sink, where it seems he's been most of the evening. His head is dipped slightly as he works away diligently. His grey tee-shirt stretches tightly across his broad back and all she wants is to surround herself with him; the feel of him, his scent, his voice.

He doesn't even startle when she wraps her arms around him from behind, just briefly touches a wet hand to hers where they've settled low on his stomach. She nuzzles into his back; the tee-shirt is soft against her face and smells of fabric softener and him.

Castle.

She inhales deeply; memorizing the moment, making a memory.

She finds herself doing that a lot lately. It's something she read about in one of those baby magazines that started coming as soon as she found out she was pregnant. Rick says he never subscribed to any of them, but nonetheless they show up in the mail every few weeks.

The article explained how smell is linked to memory, how it can evoke moments in your life; bring them to the forefront of your mind. Since reading it she's found herself lightheaded on more than one occasion from inhaling the wondrous scent of her babies, her husband, even Alexis.

"They asleep?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"Took longer than normal?"

"Uh-uh."

Rick chuckles; the sound sends tingles of pleasure through her entire body.

"Just took Momma a little longer to let go of them tonight?"

He forms the sentence like a question but he already knows the answer. Kate rubs her face back and forth between his shoulder blades; the grey cotton darkening with her last few remaining tears. She squeezes him tighter, slips her hands into the front pockets of his worn-out jeans.

"Might take me a little longer to let go of this tonight too." She lightly scrapes her fingernails along the sensitive skin just on the inside of his hipbones.

"Whoa!"

It gets him every time.

Rick's hips jerk involuntarily and he drops a half-full bottle into the sink. Her knuckles sting from being smashed into the hard granite. Still, Kate can't help but snicker into his back while she waits for his sudden panting to subside. He's bracing himself with one hand on the countertop; the other is still holding a bag of semi-frozen breast milk.

"Two minutes, Kate. Give me two minutes to finish this up and I'm all yours."

Kate rotates around his body, settles at his side, doesn't loosen her grip on him, just watches as he works.

He's prepared two baby bottles of water and is finishing up on the last of six bottles of breast milk.

It surprises her a little.

Not the water; he makes two of those every night, has for the last few weeks. The girls sleep about seven hours a night now. Kate nurses them and puts them to bed by eleven and they usually don't make a peep until around six the next morning. If by chance they do stir, a few sips of plain warm water and the distinct lack of their mommy to nuzzle against are enough to remind them that it wasn't worth waking up for in the first place. They usually drop back into dreamland without a fight.

"Done!"

Rick screws on the last lid, wipes each bottle down with a dishtowel, then twists to raise his right arm up and around Kate's shoulders. She shimmies the rest of the way around him, still holding on like a koala in a palm tree. She wedges herself between him and countertop, his large body pressing her up onto the lip of the sink. Her thighs fall open, knees bracketing his hips, her ankles hooking at the back of his calves; just where she wants him.

His hands skate down her spine, stopping to let his fingers knead beneath the stretchy material of her pajama pants. He rests his head on her shoulder, his lips gently sucking on the muscle at the base of her neck.

"You're a good daddy." She's not sure why she says it; she just suddenly needs him to know.

"No, just a selfish one." He nods in the direction of the bottles. "It'll be a tough day for the three of us tomorrow, figured I'd get everything ready tonight. Less time in the kitchen means more time with them."

Kate cups his cheeks, lifts his head so she can see his eyes. "What about Alexis?"

His eyes crinkle up at the corners and his mouth broadens into a beautiful smile at just the thought of his oldest girl.

The same girl that just this evening dropped a bomb on them. She wants to change schools, says she can't go back to Stanford, can't leave her sisters. She's decided to switch to Columbia. And even though there are only three weeks left before the semester starts, and he's not really sure the tuition is refundable at this point, and late enrollment at Columbia may be almost impossible to achieve, he doesn't care.

His baby is staying in New York.

"Purely selfish on that one too, Kate."

"And Shelby?"

Okay, so maybe helping Alexis' friend transfer schools too isn't really his responsibility, but it feels like a small price to pay to have his daughter close. Besides, Shelby's scholarships should still cover most of her tuition. He's just covering any late enrollment penalties she may incur as well as buying her books and supplies. The co-eds had already checked into the dormitory situation and there is no way they can get a place at the university this semester. So room and board are covered; they're staying right here at the loft.

"Two babysitters at my beck-and-call."

He holds two fingers up then tweaks her nose between bent knuckles, follows it with a kiss.

"You got it all figured out, huh?"

Rick nods his head, flashes that too-smug smile of his, but she sees it; sees him. He's brimming with joy, with pride, with love. This man loves his family, can't get enough of them, and wants to spend every moment of every day making them happy.

Kate smoothes her hands down his chest, buries her face in his neck, tucks herself into him much like their babies do.

She takes in some of his strength, steels herself for what tomorrow will bring.

"I couldn't do this with anyone else. You know that right?"

He hugs her tighter, his arms wrapped from shoulder to shoulder, almost crushing, but somehow comforting.

"Yeah you could've." He drops a kiss to the crown of her head. "I'm pretty sure the kids would've been nowhere near as adorable, might've been a little dim too, but still…"

"Hey," Kate manages to jab him in the gut with a tightly balled fist, "those are my hypothetical kids you're talking about!"

* * *

><p>"Don't move."<p>

Kate can barely get the words out, she's still panting, still floating. What he does to her; it's like an out-of-body experience.

"Too heavy."

He's panting too, and yeah, he's heavy and naked and sweaty and completely crushing her into the mattress, but she doesn't want him to move. Not yet. Not while her body is still singing with the feel of him around her, over her, in her. She's not ready for the loss, the emptiness; the way her stomach drops when he pulls out, breaking their connection.

"I need you." She breathes it into his ear, tries not to sound needy, but doesn't really care when she fails.

He huffs out a tired chuckle, shifts slightly trying to roll off but her grip is too tight; she just goes with him, ends up sprawled across body.

"What you need is sleep. No more talk. No more sex."

"But those are your two favorite things." She teases with words and with a roll of her hips against his.

"Woman!"

His fingers dig into her ass holding her still as he growls teasingly, but she can feel the sudden change in his breathing; can tell she's affected him.

"My favorite thing is knowing that my wife isn't too tired to focus on her dangerous job, and that she's going to come home to me safe and in one piece."

He reaches around blindly with one hand until he finds the sheet. He pulls it up over them both. The cool cotton falls softly over her damp skin.

She raises up, props her chin on her hands at his chest, she watches him in the darkness, listens to him breathe. Lets the rise and fall of his chest lull her.

"You want to know what my favorite thing is?"

"Hmm?"

"My favorite thing is you," she whispers into the skin over his heart; she's barely able to keep her head up, "my beautiful, selfless, wonderful man. My favorite thing is you."

"Mmm-hmm," he's drifting off too, so tired, "me and that honk-like sound our amazing daughter passed off as a laugh this evening."

"Yeah, that too."


	11. Chapter 11

She's managed pretty well for the first few hours.

The boys had greeted her warmly upon her arrival. Esposito with a slight nod of his head and a _'Welcome back Boss'. _Ryan was a little more boisterous; his hugcatching her off guard for a second, but the genuine glee at having her back melted away all apprehension.

They were between cases so the three of them, not four anymore, stood in the bullpen while the guys filled her in on some of the more _Beckett Flavored_ cases they'd had in her absence.

Other Detectives filed in and out, nodded a hello, smiled a welcome back. It felt surprisingly good to be back amongst her peers again.

Nobody mentioned Castle or the girls, and she was grateful for that. It was still too fresh, she was still too fragile. But she could see it in their eyes; a softness they'd never graced her with before, a sympathetic look.

By ten o'clock the guys got a call out, a body drop in Times Square.

Gates' voice boomed from her office just as the guys gathered their things to leave.

Kate was summoned.

She knew all too well what the lecture would be about, had expected it even, but still. Listening to all the reasons why she would be riding the desk for at least the next week was something she could do without.

Now, finally back at her desk; no team, no case, no gun; she had to recertify, no coffee, no Castle…

Reality kicks in…

Kate white-knuckles the veneer desktop, tries to keep the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair at bay. She manages to suppress the sudden anxiety, calms her erratic heartbeat with a few cleansing breaths, clears her mind, tries to focus on the task at hand.

She plops down in her chair, glances at her watch.

Eleven o'clock.

She knows she'll spend most of the day wading through six months of emails. They'll be procedural changes to catch up on, safety training to complete, not to mention paperwork to fill out for Human Resources.

She roughly flicks the button on her monitor, waits for the machine to come back to life. The neglected computer takes forever.

In the meantime she lugs her bag up from the floor beside her desk. It's heavy; heavier than just her keys and billfold. She'd noticed it the moment Rick slipped the bag over her shoulder as she stood in the doorway of the loft trying to quell her tears. She could feel the extra heft even as her husband's arms held her tight while he murmured _'I love you'_ and _'you got this, Kate'_ against her mouth, her cheeks, her hair.

She thinks twice before digging in, knows it's a bad idea, she's barely keeping it together as it is, but she can't just sit here and twiddle her thumbs. She needs to at least look busy. She reaches in braces herself for what she might find.

It surprises her at first; the plainness of it. She pulls out the business-size yellow envelope. She knows it's one from Rick's office. He uses them to currier manuscript updates and edits to Gina all the time.

But when she turns it over there's nothing plain about it.

_MOMMY_

She reads the word over and over again, blinks back the tears, tries to swallow the lump in her throat. She runs her hand over the five letters; written in purple crayon nonetheless. She didn't even know they owned crayons. It makes her laugh, a strangled laugh, but she'll take what she can get, uses it to bolster her spirit.

He didn't seal it and her hand slips inside to find a single sheet of paper. There is something else in there, but knowing him he's written something beautiful and affecting to preface; never one to let her just discover the gift as is.

She reads the typed letter; it's addressed to her.

_My Love,_

_Please take this gift as an apology for all the ways I have failed you. _

_Somewhere amongst the hustle and bustle of babies and teenagers and Mommy and Daddy and husband and wife and forever and always I forgot something; forgot to be something I'd promised a long time ago I would always be._

_Your Partner…_

_Partners walk the path together hand-in-hand and side-by-side. If one falters the other is there to catch and provide support until equilibrium is once again achieved._

_You came to me, confused, unsure of your footing and I failed you; failed to catch you. I ignored your stumbling, maybe even shoved you down the wrong path; or at the very least sent you down the right one alone._

_Now this is me trying my hardest to rectify my wrong, and also promising once again to never again lose sight of you, of us, of Partners._

_So, to answer your oft-asked and equally-as-oft-rebuffed question - Yes, I want you home with us. It feels like the right thing for me, I know it could never be the wrong thing for the girls. _

_What we need to figure out is if it's the right thing for you._

_Desperately Seeking Forgiveness,_

_Your Partner_

_P.S. It was four o'clock in the morning so don't make fun_

_P.P.S. Erin and Elena helped; craft time with Daddy starts early in the Castle household_

She was right. What they do to her every time; his words. On a mere half sheet of paper he managed to break her heart, piece it back together, and make it whole again.

She reaches in and pulls out what appears to be a notebook, or a journal maybe. Just forty or so wide ruled sheets of notebook paper bound between two sheets of red construction paper. The two holes are uneven and he used brads, one gold and the other silver to hold the booklet together. There is a piece of navy-blue yarn tucked into the crease. It's a little stiff from too much glue. But how else could he have attached the purple crayon? The well-used writing utensil dangles a good twelve inches allowing for plenty of slack, she assumes.

She's not really sure what she is supposed to do with it, so she flips it to the front.

All the tears she'd kept at bay fall immediately upon seeing the picture pasted to the cover. It's dark and a little grainy, printed on regular paper because they ran out of the photo-quality stuff a few days prior.

But it's them, her beautiful babies; sound asleep, face to face. Erin with a blue pacifier in her mouth, Elena sucking her sister's outstretched thumb.

She notices their sleepers; pink with white lambs. The ones she put on them for the very first time the previous night at bedtime. The ones they were still wearing this morning when she kissed their chubby little sleep-warmed cheeks over and over again as she whispered _'Mommy loves you'_ and _'Be good for Daddy'_ and _'I don't want to leave you'_.

Rick must've taken it with his phone last night, and in the dark maybe.

They really had helped him make it.

She chuckles, it's wet and probably sounds like a sob but she doesn't care. The bullpen is still pretty much empty.

Kate flips to the first page. It has today's date at the top; tomorrow's about halfway down the page. There is also a line drawn right down the middle and each column has a heading. On the left – _PRO's, _on the right – _CON's._ She has to assume the remaining pages hold the same format. She flips to the back page; the last date is late March.

He's giving her six months.

She grabs the dangling crayon, spreads the fragile book open and begins to write. Today she only fills the right column. She's pretty sure it may be a few weeks before she even touches the left. It may be a month before the two lists come close to evening out. But one thing she does know, as she rips out about half the pages, it won't take her six months.

In fact, she gives herself a hard deadline.

Christmas…

She'll know by Christmas. One way or the other.

* * *

><p><strong>I think the Castle has shown us many times that he tends to react in the moment, but after some thought, he comes around and does the right thing. Hope this seems genuine to the character?<strong>


	12. Chapter 12

In her eagerness, Kate practically stumbles through the front door. She can hardly shed her power heels fast enough and they hit the hardwood with a loud thud, her keys and purse follow. At least she does manage to land her badge on the entryway table. For the first time today she's actually glad she doesn't yet have her gun back, because instead of having to tread into the study to lock up the weapon, she can run straight to her babies.

Or _baby_…

Rick is on his cell pacing the living room. Erin is propped on his hip, her tiny body canted away from his; a forearm across her belly holds her firmly in place allowing her long legs freedom to stretch. The baby watches her own feet; she curls her bare toes as she digs her heels into her daddy's pant leg then spreads them wide again as she swings her legs free in an uncoordinated thrust. At the end of her outstretched arms, slender fingers mimic her toes in rhythm with each kick.

Kate's hands are on her youngest daughter immediately, and instantly all the pent-up tension and worry that has plagued her throughout the day melt away.

Ah, the healing touch of her daughter.

The baby's head lifts at the contact. Recognition blossoms on her face, her crystal blue eyes sparkle and she ducks her head shyly as her mouth splits into a gaping smile.

"Hey baby girl," Kate coos at the squirming infant; her hands cupping little round cheeks, "don't you look beautiful today?"

She wants nothing more than to take her daughter in her arms, but Rick, having at least stopped his pacing, is so focused on his phone conversation with what sounds like their business manager that he's apparently lost all ability to multi-task; his arm holds tight across his little one's exposed belly. Kate nudges at his ribcage with her knuckles hoping he'll get the message and let go.

The baby is wearing one of the many outfits Lanie has bought for the twins since their arrival. The two-piece, hence the bare belly hanging out as the tunic top rides up, is bright pink with tiny black polka dots and vivid green trim. Kate can't help but wonder if her friend actually intended for the girls to look like pieces of fruit or if it was just an unintended side-effect.

"My little watermelon."

She continues to babble as she kisses Erin from cheek to cheek; loud sloppy wet kisses that manage to soak both mother and daughter with a seemingly endless supply of drool.

"Oh, and juicy..."

An especially heavy drop falls from Erin's mouth and lands on Rick's arm. Kate wipes it away with her thumb and the contact seems to bring him to awareness.

He winks down at them, loosens his grip.

Kate eagerly takes the baby, hoists her into the air to spin her around, a game Erin usually loves, something about the freedom of it Kate thinks, but instead of smiling the little girl curls her body towards her mother's, her protruding bottom lip quivers slightly as she reaches for purchase.

Kate brings Erin immediately to her chest, feels the baby's nose rub back and forth against her sternum as she cuddles and hums her contentment or discontentment maybe; Kate can't really tell which. Tiny wet fingers curl into her hair, tight fists hold on for dear life.

Kate's heart cracks a little, because yeah, she did this to her independent little one; made her needy and dependent.

She needs to sit; her knees are suddenly no more substantial than jelly. She turns to find the couch, a barstool, the stairs, anything to hold her up. Her momentum is stopped unexpectedly, Rick's hand at her hip grips tightly. She feels his finger hooking into her belt-loop, tugging her forward. She leans into him, her rock, her foundation.

Oh the way he holds her up.

She rests her head on his shoulder, the snuffling baby tucked safely between their bodies. His free hand slips to her back, rubs circles over her taught muscles. He sways; they sway actually, and she's not sure if he's trying to soothe his daughter or dance with his wife. Either way works for her and she mentally chides herself for ever questioning his ability to multi-task.

"I already told you I need to talk to Kate about it. I'll call you back tomorrow with our decision." Rick disconnects the call, tucks the phone in his back pocket, slides his free hand to lace his fingers together at Kate's back.

"Hey, where's my hello kiss?" He pouts against her temple.

She tilts her head back, sees the playful gleam in his eye. "Oh, my big baby," she mimics the baby-talk voice she used to greet Erin as she cups his cheek, one-handed, and presses loud open-mouth kisses from just in-front of his right ear all the way to his left. She makes sure to rub her still-damp cheeks all over his; leaving them all three wet at this point. "Somebody missed Mommy?" She teases him with a bite to his earlobe.

"Kate!" He practically growls it into her neck, his hands tightening at her back. "No fair…"

"So Erin's not the only whiney one I have to deal with tonight, huh?"

Rick straightens up, looks down at the baby between them with concerned eyes; all playfulness gone. "Yeah, she's been completely out of sorts today." He rubs a loving hand down the baby's back. "I expected it to be Elena; Momma's girl and all."

Kate backs up, tucks her chin to place a soft kiss to Erin's head and wraps her arms a little tighter around the warm bundle.

"Speaking of?"

"She's upstairs with Alexis and Shelby. I promised this one some one-on-one time."

"It doesn't seem to have helped." She's only half joking, because seriously, Rick is always able to cheer this little girl up.

He huffs a small laugh, presses a quick kiss to the corner of her mouth and then another to Erin's head. "With you Kate; I promised her some one-on-one time with her Mommy."

* * *

><p>Rick climbs into bed next to his wife. He wonders if she feels as exhausted as he does. It's late, after one a.m. he's sure but he doesn't dare even look at the clock to verify.<p>

The day hadn't gone at all as planned.

Erin was over-the-top cranky. She'd made it through her first bottle of the day with little incident, but halfway through the afternoon feeding she refused to take another sip. She practically fused her gums together and even managed to get herself worked up enough that she eventually spit-up what little she had ingested. So by the time Kate got home around five the poor thing was starving and had to be nursed, which completely threw off the whole feeding schedule.

It was all downhill from there. Bath time was an hour late. Kate had to nurse Elena at the normal time then nurse Erin an hour and a half later, which meant two bedtimes, twice as long reading and rocking, and he suspects there was even some singing. Something she pulls out when the girls are having a particularly tough time.

To make things worse he hadn't managed to carve out enough time to put a home cooked dinner on the table as he'd planned. He knows he could have asked Alexis to help him out more. Both with the cooking and the girls, but that's not something he wants to have to resort to. She'll be in school soon, and besides, the girls are his responsibility.

He's determined to do right by them.

And their mother.

"Hey."

She doesn't look up as she says it. She's sitting in the middle of their bed, legs crossed with the iPad cradled in her lap. She's scrolling through all the pictures he and Alexis took throughout the course today. Okay, so he had at least managed that; to record some of what she missed.

Maybe having to order in pizza for dinner wasn't such a bad trade off after all.

If it means he gets to see this; gets to see her as she sees those.

And the look on her face; ranging somewhere between utter joy - because damn their kids are freaking adorable, and utter devastation - because as adorable as they are on the screen they're so much more spectacular in reality.

"Look at this one." She beams at him and holds the iPad up for him to see.

"Did Shelby take that one?" He knows he didn't and can tell Alexis hadn't because Elena is sitting up in her sister's lap. It's a close up of the baby's face, but he recognizes the shirt his eldest daughter wore today in the background.

"No, I did."

"Ah, that explains it."

He leans forward, kisses the expanse of exposed skin just above the line of her tank top. He takes a moment to just breathe her in. All the perfume and lotion having worn off throughout the course of the long day leaving just her; his beautiful perfect wife.

Kate arches her back, chuckles as he nibbles lightly at her shoulder blade. Her hand falls into his lap, slender fingers digging into the sensitive flesh of his inner thigh.

It's so late and they're both way too tired for anything more than flirtatious foreplay, but still.

How this woman gets to him.

"Explains what?" She cocks her head, tries to see what he sees.

"The goofy love-struck look on her face."

He flips the bedside lamp off, snuggles into Kate's side practically forcing her back onto the pillows; she doesn't fight him, just huffs as he wraps himself around her. His head on her chest, a hand splayed across her stomach – already under her shirt, both his legs curled around one of hers.

He spent nine hours apart from her today. That's a lot of time to make up for.

She lets him settle, nuzzles at the base of his neck, scratches her nails against his stubbly jaw; shaving - another thing that didn't get done today, along with showering. Yeah, he's got to pull himself together. This stay-at-home-dad gig isn't new to him. Should be like falling of a log, right?

"She looks just like you." Kate's comment pulls him from his sudden downward spiral.

She's still holding the iPad. The glow from the screen lights up her face, illuminates her beaming smile, shows her love for her daughter.

She's right. In that particular moment in time Elena does look like him. She's looking just past the camera, at her Mommy behind it. That explains it all. She's smiling like the Cheshire Cat, her eyes are kinda squinty, the corners crinkled up.

There is a delight there that he didn't see in either one of his babies' faces today.

"Exactly Kate, that's what you do to us." He points to the screen.

"What?"

"It."

"It what?"

"You're exasperating you know that right?"

Oh god how she does it for him; makes him whole, makes him breathe, makes him live. And the way his girls love her; all his girls, old and young.

"It Kate, for me for them, you just do it for us."

Does she not see that?

Kate drops the iPad on the mattress, turns in his embrace. She shifts enough to roll him to his back and practically climbs on top of him. Her long body drapes over his; all her sharp points fitting into his soft ones. He can feel her breath blowing fast and hot on his neck. Her fingers dig into his bicep.

He knows she still fights it some days; their life, their happiness, their future. She stills struggles with the demons of her past, of her loss, of her heartbreak. There's nothing more he can say, he's said it all before. All he can do is hold her, caress her, wait for her to get through it.

She slowly relaxes, her breathing returns to normal, her tears no longer flow.

He thinks she's asleep until… "Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"You do it for me too."

* * *

><p><strong>I apologized on Twitter already, but to the rest of you, sorry for the delay.<strong>

**I'm trying for another chapter tomorrow**


	13. Chapter 13

Castle startles awake; the laptop nearly falls off his lap when his heels slip from the edge of the desk. He closes the machine; hadn't really gotten any writing done - nothing of significance anyway. His phone buzzes in his pocket; he takes it out and reads the text from his wife, sent at eleven fifteen.

_**might b another all-nighter, kiss the girls 4 me, luv u**_

He glances at his watch – it's after midnight now, so he doubts that the phone is what woke him. He rubs his fists in his eyes, tries to gather enough energy to make his way to bed. Of course it's an altogether unfavorable place to be without Kate. Maybe he'll just stretch out on the couch. After all, it is a lot closer than his bedroom.

He stands, stretches, and then suddenly realizes what it was that woke him. The door connecting the study to the bedroom is closed so the sound from the baby monitor is muted, could be mistaken for wind if he didn't know better, but he does.

He runs from the study, the noise growing louder the instant he enters the living room. He's in a panic by the time he hits the stairs; taking them two-by-two then accidently missing one so that he actually falls up the stairs.

"Shit!"

He can feel the skin of his right shin tear off through his jeans; the force of the blow jars his knee and hip. But he's up and in the hallway and throwing open the door to the nursery before he knows it.

Erin is in full-blown hysterics by the time he reaches the side of her crib. She's somehow managed to flip herself onto her back; pretty amazing since the most she's ever managed to-date is to roll from her normal wedged-on-her-side sleeping position to her belly. Her face is bright red, tears pour out of her eyes and onto the cream-colored sheet beneath her. Her whole body is stiff as she screams; just one screech after another with barely a breath in-between.

He grabs her up, presses her into his chest, rocks on the balls of his feet; anything that might stop the squawking so he can figure out what's wrong. Nothing helps. He peeks into Elena's crib. She's awake but not crying. In fact, her eyes are glassy and she doesn't really seem to focus on him as he shushes her sister. So he sticks a pacifier into the older twin's mouth, whispers his apologies for disturbing her, and her eyes fall shut again.

He waits until he's in the hall before he breaks, "Seriously Erin!"

He knows he's being harsh, but nothing seems to be wrong with her; she's just throwing a fit. If she doesn't stop soon she's going to wake up the whole house. Alexis and Shelby both have early classes and Elena's happy-go-lucky nature turns sour quickly if she doesn't get a good night sleep.

He carries Erin downstairs patting her continuously. He fixes her a bottle which she vehemently refuses to even open her mouth for. He tries her swing, her bouncy seat, even one of the new excersaucers they bought recently which Kate would ring his neck for putting her in so young.

But Kate's not here and this child of hers will not stop screaming.

* * *

><p>He waits patiently for the elevator trying to calm his anger. Because really…? Did they just frisk his four month old child? He hates those metal detectors. He understands why they need them. He wouldn't want some psychotic killer to be able to barge into the precinct and wreak havoc, but come on.<p>

He's Rick Castle, all the uniforms know him. Okay, it's been awhile since he's been to the twelfth, but he's _Mr._ _Detective Kate Beckett_. And he's holding two infants. Well holding one and carrying the other in a car seat slung over his forearm, but still. Do they really think he's concealing a deadly weapon? Other than the soiled diaper he forgot to take out of the diaper bag earlier in the day. That thing could be considered a dirty bomb.

Served that rookie right for searching them.

The ride up to homicide takes forever. Erin's crying is only magnified by the close quarters. He can find absolutely nothing wrong with her. She won't eat, she won't sleep, she won't play. He checked for a fever, a rash, a bump, a bruise; anything that might explain her tantrum. He read to her, sang to her, talked to her. He tried rocking her and even put her in bed with him.

Nothing worked.

His last ditch effort at getting her to stop was to take her for a drive, which meant taking them both for a drive. A half hour trapped in the car with the wailing baby was about all he could take.

Thankfully Elena seems to be sleeping like a rock tonight and has barely stirred, even through being strapped into a car seat, driven around town, and finally being poked and prodded by a uni wearing squeaky latex gloves.

Kate's going to kill him. He knows this. He may actually welcome it. Death may be a better option to the hell he's been going through for the past three-plus hours.

And if he's being honest with himself he almost hopes she is angry, because right now, he's pissed.

The first few weeks with Kate back on the job took some adjusting for them all. The babies had some growing pains to work through, but eventually things evened out and the whole family settled into a new normal.

The twins miss their mommy when she isn't home and cling to her like monkeys when she is.

It didn't hurt that Kate's first few cases were mostly pop-and-drops or domestics-turned-murder; all pretty easy to solve. She was home most nights by six, a couple of times it pushed closer to eight, but they could deal with that.

She'd been on call each weekend but hadn't been called in until this last one.

It was the Sunday before Halloween, so it was to be expected; all the crazies come out this time of year.

What wasn't to be expected was the fact that it was now Wednesday morning, around four a.m. and of the last thirty-six hours his wife had been home for a whopping three of theme. Three hours in the middle of Sunday night to grab a quick meal, a quick shower, and a quick nap.

The elevator slows to a stop and he prays he can just slip into the break room without causing too much of a disturbance. He hopes the hustle and bustle of the FBI Task Force – they'd taken over the case once the fourth body had turned up – would be enough to muffle Erin's crying.

The bell rings and the metal doors slide open. The bullpen is empty, silent, and dark. The only light streaming from the conference room just to the left of Kate's desk. The blinds are open and he can see the three of them; Kate, Esposito, and Ryan – the smell of pizza wafts through the air.

Obviously the case is over, the Feds having swooped in to do what they do, and now Kate and her team are celebrating.

_Celebrating._

At work.

At four a.m.

And now he's really pissed.

Kate must've heard him, not him but Erin, before the elevator opened because her eyes are on him the second he steps out of the car. He watches her face go from surprise to anger in an instant. The boys' heads drop and he's somehow thankful for that; he doesn't need all four kids watching Mom and Dad fight.

Suddenly she's stalking out of the conference room, her long strides bring her all the way across the bullpen in double-time and she's in front of him before he even turns the first corner; her nostrils flaring, her lips pressed together, her stare like ice.

"Castle! What the hell?"

Her fingers wrap around his right bicep, nails digging into his flesh – bruising, and he wants to ask the same thing.

_What the hell, Kate? _

But he doesn't.

He jerks his arm free. Internally congratulates himself for not dropping his child in the process. Erin is wedged between his elbow and his ribcage. He's got one hand wrapped around her thigh holding her in place.

He makes a turn for the break room; he's tired and frustrated and thoroughly ticked off right now. He needs to sit down, but the thought of sitting next to her desk, in his chair…

His chair…?

No, he can't think about that right now.

He stops, spins on his heel, "Can you please just take your daughter?" He straightens his elbow to un-tuck Erin from his side. Her fussing has not let up. In fact it has grown more insistent since seeing her mother.

Kate takes Erin from him, but her eyes stay laser-focused on his. He expected anger, but she looks more disappointed than angry, and he can't stand it.

He waits to see if Erin will stop and crying. He watches his wife's slender hand curl around the baby's backside, the other gentle at the back of the tiny head. His girls are growing so fast, developing so much and ahead of schedule on most things; it just amazes him that they're still so small.

Just as he thought, after a few more pitiful whines – for her mother's sake he's sure – Erin's crying ceases. She grabs the collar of Kate's tailored blue blouse in one hand, takes a fistful of her hair in the other, and then snuggles into her mommy's neck.

Yep, clinging like a monkey.

When the only sound she makes are the inevitable sniffles that follow four hours of non-stop crying, he walks away.

Rick doesn't turn on the light in the break room; enough bleeds in from the adjoining conference room. He sets the car seat, with Elena still sleeping away, on the floor next to that old beat-up couch he used find Kate sleeping on during a long case.

He plops down on the worn out cushions, wondering if this is where she slept the last few days, if she slept at all. A part of him prays to god that she did; he can't stand to think of her dead on her feet and running on empty without anyone there to remind her to eat and to sleep.

The other part of him…

Not going there either.

He leans forward, puts his head in his hands. He's not going to cry. Despite how he's feeling right now, and despite what his writer friends say about him. He is not the girl in this relationship.

"Rick?"

Kate's kneeling in front of him. Her voice is soft and it hurt's his heart sometimes, how much he loves her.

"What happened?"

_What happened? _

_What happened! _

He wants to yell and scream and tell her what happened.

How her youngest daughter has bawled non-stop for the last four hours. He wants to ask her if she's forgotten that Erin and Elena are used to their mommy putting them to bed every night? That until three days ago they hadn't started or ended one day of their lives without nursing at her breast.

He wants her to know that he hasn't slept in three nights because their bed is too big and too empty without her in it. That sometimes in his hazy sleep-deprived writer's mind the expanse of empty sheets next to him portends the possibility of a lifetime of empty everything.

He wants to remind her that she missed her lunch date with Alexis and Shelby today and never even called to let the young women know she wouldn't be there. And Kate Beckett of all people should know what it's like to be nineteen, at a restaurant, waiting for a mother that never shows up.

He opens his mouth to tell her…

"You didn't come home."

And that says it all.

* * *

><p><strong>Kate's side of this little quandary in the next chapter<strong>


	14. Chapter 14

**I made a lot of people mad at Kate in that last chapter. Gotta remember this is the woman that ran from Castle for three months because she loved him too much to hurt him, but hurt him nonetheless by running. Well, not in this universe, but you know…**

**Anyone else dizzy?**

**Hope this makes it a little better.**

**Sorry, the case stuff in this one is bad. But it's quick…**

* * *

><p>"You know it was kids, right?"<p>

Castle hands Esposito another paper plate for the Detective to throw away; a half eaten piece of pizza and a greasy napkin go along for the ride.

"Dude," Espo nudges his arm, "you hear me?"

"Sorry, something about kids?"

Castle isn't really sorry. He doesn't really want to hear it, doesn't even really want to be here. Of course here is better than in the break room with his wife. Because he's still seriously pissed and he wants to stay that way and there is no way he can do that _and_ watch her with their daughters.

"Six of 'em." Esposito continues his narrative. "Beckett does freaky - Beckett _doesn't_ do kids. We all know that. She begged off the case the minute the Feds got involved. She knew they'd only need us for grunt work anyway, but Gates wouldn't hear of it, wouldn't let any of us loose."

Castle stops what he's doing, because it's four in the morning and he hasn't slept, and his friend is trying to tell him something important. He plops down in the nearest chair, nods for the man to continue.

"Just that grunt work that finally broke the case, too. Beckett was the only one that saw it; the final piece of the puzzle that led us to a serial killer."

Rick glances through the slats of the partially closed blinds through the bullpen to her desk. Kate's not there, of course, but he can still _see_ her. Sitting at her desk, pouring through report after report – lead after lead looking for the one thing that could crack the case wide open. Because Espo is right, Beckett doesn't do kids. Never has, not since Sorenson.

"Course then those bastard Feds went and hogged all the credit." Esposito stuffs the last bit of the garbage in the trash bag; Castle had stopped helping long ago. "Only positive is that we don't have to do the arrest paperwork."

Castle laughs at that but it's mirthless, sounds funny, even to his own ears. "Too bad they don't take over every case. Maybe my kids would get to see more of their Mommy that way."

"That's cold, Man."

Castle looks at the tough Detective, sees reproach in the dark eyes. And even in the midst of his anger, Castle is thankful for this man. This man that always has Kate's back; no matter the situation, no questions asked.

"I just…" Okay, that was cold. This is the first case since going back to work that has really interfered with their home life. The first and he went off the rails. Well, Kate went off the grid, and then he went off the rails.

Yep, he's still mad; not as mad, but yeah...

"Look Castle, this was a bad one, a _really_ bad one. And because she's a mom she saw what the rest of us didn't. Because she's a mom we were able to take down a baby-killer. "

Esposito heads for the door; trash in hand, but turns back. "And it's probably because she's a mom that I found her crying alone in the stairwell an hour ago instead of on her way home her children."

* * *

><p>It's autumn in New York so the sun hasn't yet crested the high-rises and skyscrapers of the city; the nursery is shadowed, quiet, peaceful.<p>

Kate rocks silently, threads her fingers through Elena's baby-soft hair, lets her thumb caress the plump pink lips. The ring on her thumb, the one Rick gave her after the girls were born, skims softly across the infant's rosy cheek. One side of her mouth twitches into a half smile; a crooked little Castle-like grin so full of mischief and play.

And it's somehow too much.

She was able to hold it together in the precinct because her girls were hungry and crying and missing her, and on the long silent ride home because even at five a.m. Manhattan traffic is a bitch, and even here at home, while she changed her daughters' diapers and re-dressed them each in a clean set of pajamas.

Through all of that she somehow managed to stay upright.

But now…

With nothing to do but listen…

Listen to the sound of her beautiful baby girl breathing in her arms; soft puffs of hot air moistening her skin even through her blouse, to the occasional grunt and or squeak coming from Erin in the crib at her right, to the quiet lullaby played by the mobile spinning over the empty crib to her left; Brahms Lullaby, and finally to the almost imperceptible swish of the chair's chenille skirt as it skims the smooth hardwood floor beneath her.

And the dam breaks, she can't keep it in…

She throws her head back against the cushioned chair, takes deep breaths, tries to keep the tears at bay by the sheer force of her will.

The images flash across the backs of her eyelids; mutilated children, babies really; none of them any older than seven years old, the youngest only three. All of them stolen from their parents in various cities over the last few months. Kidnapped, transported across states lines, held captive, abused, murdered, and finally dumped.

And thank God they were all boys, because if they had been girls..? Like Erin and Elena; like hers…

No, she can't even go there.

Then there were the parents not wanting, but nonetheless needing to know the details; the how, the why, the when. Sallow blank faces with empty eyes; people forever broken by the horrifying way in which their precious children were taken from them.

But somehow taking some sort of solace in the knowing.

'_Knowing, no matter how terrible, is better than the wondering.' _Is what one mother told her as they stood in the morgue; her tiny boy bruised and battered, a blue sheet covering everything but his angelic face. A bittersweet moment; on one hand a reunion between a mother and a son separated for so many months – and a _'goodbye my sweet prince until eternity'_ on the other.

Kate begins to cry at the memory, hot tears fall down her cheeks, her body shaking with each sob.

She startles when Elena protests in her arms. She's squeezing the sleeping baby too tight. She lifts the squirming girl up, presses her mouth to a tiny ear. She whispers apologies, shushes her with butterfly kisses and promises of _never again_ and _always_ and _I love you._

"Hey hey, Kate."

Rick is suddenly on his knees in front of her; his eyes so filled with love and concern. Kate cries even harder because he should still be mad at her. She didn't come home, couldn't come home - not with this.

She couldn't…

She just couldn't…

She brushes away his hand at her cheek; he'd been swiping at the salty liquid pouring from her eyes.

"Kate?"

"I - I can't…" It comes out as a rough whisper; her voice completely clogged with grief.

She leans forward pushing Elena into his arms, tries to shove her way past him; she needs to be out of the nursery. Of course he's bigger and right now stronger than her. He manages to wrap his free arm around her waist as they both stand. She grabs his bicep, melts into his side, and buries her face in his neck – hangs on for dear life because he is her life, and in many ways her lifesaver.

She can feel him jostling Elena; trying to lay her down with only one arm. He must manage because she hears him whisper 'sleep tight, Half-Pint' and then he's practically wrestling her out the door.

As soon as they hit the hallway Kate is on her way to the floor; no longer able to stay upright. Rick is at least able to cushion her fall and she lands with a thud.

"God Kate?" His voice is hot and rough at the back of her neck having managed to lower himself down with her.

She tries to answer but nothing comes out. She sucks in a large gulp of air but it goes down the wrong way; burns at her throat and threatens to crack open her chest.

Rick curls around her body, one arm crossing her torso from left hip to right shoulder. The other is wrapped tightly around her drawn up legs; his large fingers digging into the skin of her calf. He holds on tight and the pressure feels good. It helps relieve some of the shaking; tamps down the adrenaline.

"Kate?" He can't wait any longer, she knows that; knows him. And loves him more than she shows him sometimes; more than she tells him most of the time.

"I'm their mother Castle." She can't get any more than that out. The emotion is still too thick in her throat.

"They're safe, Kate. They're here in their beds; asleep, safe, happy, healthy. They're okay."

She shakes her head. It's awkward between the floor and his face pressed next to hers. She hears what he's saying, knows why he's saying it. She assumes Esposito filled him in on the case; the victims.

But that's not…

Well it is… Part of it anyway. Because if they ever lost Elena or Erin or Alexis, for that matter…

Oh god! She shaking again and she's scaring him. She can tell by the way he holds tighter and the choppy staccato rise and fall of his chest against her back. The frantic beating of his heart, or maybe that's hers, she can't really tell.

And for some reason that thought helps; his heart – her heart; the two of them beating together as one. She concentrates on the rhythm - the cadence. She slows her breathing until it's in syncopation with his, relaxes into his embrace instead of fighting against it.

Finally she's calm enough to explain.

"I'm their mother Castle. I'm supposed to protect them. I can't… I couldn't bring that home to them. I didn't know how… I'm not supposed to let the darkness touch them. I just… "

She doesn't need to elaborate; she knows he knows how fast she can plummet down that hole. He's seen her fall before, gone down with her a couple of times too.

But God help her she doesn't ever want to take their children down with them.

"That's why you have me, Love. You bring it home to me, pour it into me. Let me take it from you; let me make you light again. Together, you and me, we'll make sure they never ever see the darkness. "

* * *

><p><strong>Too much angst! Going to go light in the next few…<strong>


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh thank god, we're finally finished."

Castle flops down on the familiar grey tweed couch with dramatic flair. Ryan sinks into the cushion next to him.

"Seriously, Man? What're you complaining about? We did most of the heavy lifting."

"Yeah Dude!" Espo's on his opposite side slugging him in the arm. "You mostly delegated."

"Okay okay, I get it, jeez!"

Castle raises his hands in defense then jumps to his feet. He backs slowly away from the scowling Detectives. When he feels he's at a safe distance he reaches for his cell and wallet, calls for Kate and the girls to join them. She comes out of the bedroom laughing; Alexis and Shelby following close behind her. The teenagers join Ryan and Esposito in the living room but Kate meets him in the kitchen area.

"I promised these bozos beer and pizza for their effort. You want anything in particular?"

Kate glances at her watch. It's still early; only a little after four, but Erin and Elena have been with Jenny since early this morning and she misses them. Figures, the first weekend that she and the boys aren't on call and she couldn't spend the whole day at home with her kids. Not to mention her chest aches a bit; she didn't bring her breast pump and the pressure is starting to build.

"I really just want to go get the girls, take them home. Have a few good hours with them before bedtime."

"Oh, let me order for them and then we'll go."

Kate stills him with a hand to his arm. "Rick, order pizza, spend some time with your daughter - our friends." She smoothes her hand over his chest, leans in to kiss him softly. "I'm good."

She sees the flash of something in his eyes. She hopes she hasn't hurt him, but she really just wants some time alone with the twins; some one-on-one time, well one-on-two in this case. She doesn't get a whole lot of that anymore, and he does.

Every day.

Oh shit…?

She's jealous of her husband. Yeah, she's gonna have to work on that.

"If you're sure? I did tell Alexis I'd go with them to the market around the corner; fill their fridge, stock the pantry. You text me if you need me. Or anything?"

Kate nods, leans in for another fast kiss but Rick wraps her up in his strong arms, doesn't let her go so quickly. She nuzzles at his neck, smells the sweat. Because no matter how much the boys tease him, he did work hard today. He lifted just as much furniture and carried just as many boxes as they did.

Not to mention the emotional toll.

She squeezes him tight, kisses his salty skin. "You okay?"

She feels him nod as he whispers, "Just going to miss my kid."

"At least she's only across town this time and not across the country."

"I prefer her across the apartment."

Kate pulls back, looks up into his sad eyes, feels guilty; because all this man ever wants is to be with his family. To have them close, to know they're safe and taken care of.

How can she be jealous of that?

How can she ever begrudge him that?

"Mom? Dad? Come on!" Esposito yells from across the apartment. "We're starving over here. You worked us to the bone."

Kate flashes Rick an apologetic smile and spins out of his embrace. She grabs her purse from atop a nearby box. "Hey guys, I'm out."

"Beckett?" The boys whine in unison.

"Sorry guys, you're cute but I'm missing my babies."

Kevin jumps up, "Need a lift?"

Kate gives him the Beckett glare and he practically falls back onto the couch. It's nice of him to offer considering she _is_ headed to his place. She drove the SUV to Ryan's home in Brooklyn early this morning, left it and the babies with Jenny incase she needed to go out; easier than switching the car seat bases from one vehicle to the other. Then she rode here with Kevin. Rick, Esposito, Alexis and Shelby were already unpacking the moving van when they arrived.

"Thanks, but I already called for a cab." She says her goodbyes then heads towards the bedroom. Alexis had gone back to unpacking. "Hey Lex, walk me out." It wasn't a request and her daughter obeys.

Neither one of them say a word as they walk from the apartment. They take the stairs, walking side-by-side arm-in-arm. Neither one of them is any good at this.

On the sidewalk in front of the building Kate finally breaks the silence, "So, any last minute questions for me?" She points down the street just past Alexis' shoulder. "Right down there is the best little pizza joint. I assume that's what your dad is ordering tonight so make sure you grab the menu off the box. Just a block past that is Chinese and across the street from that is a Starbucks." She turns to point in the opposite direction, wants Alexis to know where the nearest Subway station is too, but a cool hand in hers stops her.

"He'll be okay," Alexis has tears in her eyes, "My dad? You'll make him be okay with this?"

Kate laughs, of course that would be Alexis' main concern.

Why can't she just be like any normal nineteen year old that has just been given a brand new apartment?

So it's not exactly brand new. It's actually Kate's old apartment, the one she moved out of last summer, the one that had been leased to a nice young couple for the last year, the one that has been sitting empty since that young couple moved out three months prior, the one that Rick and Kate had discussed giving to Alexis when she graduated from college, but decided to go ahead and let her and Shelby move into it now instead of later. Mostly because Alexis overheard them discussing it on speaker phone with their business manager one evening after dinner and practically begged them to let her have it now.

So maybe she can be a normal nineteen year old.

Sometimes.

She drove a hard bargain too. Said she wouldn't even need new furniture because she could use all of Kate's stuff that had been in storage since converting the largest guest room into the nursery. She presented them with graphs about how much energy would be saved considering the commute to Columbia is shorter from here. She even went as far as reminding them of how much _freedom_ they'd have around the loft for _'extracurricular activities'_ as she'd called them. She'd even used air quotes.

Kate wanted to remind her that the addition of two infants to the family severely limits those kinds of activities to the bedroom, but she just couldn't quite bring herself to do it.

"It' not funny." Alexis pouts at her.

Kate tugs on Alexis' braid, "We're only like six miles away."

Seriously with the dramatics.

And didn't she just have this same conversation with her husband?

Like father like daughter - like grandmother.

Kate sees the cab pulling up, knows she needs to make this quick. "Alexis, if you need anything."

"I know." The girl wilts, falls forward into her mother's arms.

It's odd how hard this is. They've done this before; said goodbye. They've even had greater distance between them. But this is different, this is permanent. Alexis isn't coming home at the end of the semester. She won't be spending a month at the loft for Christmas, or three during summer break.

This is it.

"I mean it; anything, anytime – day or night. I'll be here. Or he'll be here. Whatever – whoever…?"

"What if…?" Alexis stops, sucks in a long breath. "What if, I just need to come home?"

"Ah, Lex…"

And Kate gets it, she does.

Because although they've all agreed that Alexis needs her own space, deserves her own space, has earned her own space. And Alexis is truly thrilled with the apartment, ecstatic to be on her own.

Kate knows.

She was nineteen once and away from home and family, missing her mom and dad; all that is familiar and safe. And if she's honest with herself, there are still times, even to this day. Even with Rick, and Elena, and Erin, and Alexis. Even with it all. There are still moments, although fleeting, that she still wishes she could just go back home.

Kate pulls the girl in for one last hug, just like Rick had done with her moments before. She wants Alexis to know just how much she loves her and how much she's going to miss her. But most importantly she needs to make her a promise. The promise that her mom made her, but was unable to keep.

"Always, Sweetie. Always."

* * *

><p><strong>Needed to get Alexis out of that loft!<strong>

**Is that bad?**


	16. Chapter 16

"Okay, okay." Kate laughs and hands the set of keys to her daughter.

Both girls are on the kitchen counter, propped up in those Bumbo Seat things that her husband swears are lifesavers when he's home alone with the twins and trying to get dinner ready. There's another set of them in his study. He tries to only write during naptime or in the evenings while she puts the girls to bed, but sometimes the writing bug just hits him and he can't shake it. She came home from work one night and caught him reading the words aloud to them as he typed.

So not the why she's expected them to hear about _'the birds and the bees'_ for the first time.

But she gets it now.

After leaving Rick at her old apartment, Alexis' new apartment - she has to keep reminding herself of that, she headed to Jenny's to get the babies. She was there over an hour, needing to feed them both before the pressure in her chest exploded. Then, of course, traffic was bumper-to-bumper and it took her another hour just to get them home.

Now it's seven o'clock, she's starving, and both girls are raring to go. Oh how thankful she is for those funny little seats now. She can almost hear Rick's voice mocking her.

She pours herself a bowl of cereal, the sugary kind that Rick claims he buys for Alexis, but she knows better. She grabs a spoon from the drawer, leans over the counter with both elbows on the granite, stretches her calves and cracks her toes as she eats.

She watches her girls.

Erin plays quietly with a measuring cup from a nearby drawer. There's a basket of toys under the coffee table in the living room, but Kate decided against it; she may appreciate the rubbery molded seats, but it doesn't mean she trusts them enough to leave her four-month old daughters unattended in them for even a second.

She's amazed at how coordinated Erin has become. The infant decidedly switches the cooking utensil from one hand to the other. She brings it to her mouth with ease, doesn't even come close to poking herself in the eye or hitting herself in the nose.

Unlike Elena who gags herself with the keys for the umpteenth time. Kate can't take it anymore and pulls them from her daughter's mouth, but before she can even move to get her a measuring cup of her own to play with, the baby growls and arches her back in disgust.

Kate huffs, fingers the key ring until she finds the one for the SUV then hands it back to Elena.

"Jeez, you whine just like your father."

Elena gives a little grunt as she shoves the chunky piece of plastic that automakers call a key these days back into her mouth.

The baby gnaws for a second then lets out a squeal of delight; shoulders lifted in triumph, eyes crinkling at the edges - sparkling like blue diamonds.

"You gloat just like him too. Not pretty kid – not pretty."

Kate teases her and leans in closer; forearms on the kitchen counter now, shaking her head back and forth in an exaggerated motion as she finishes that last statement. She blows a loud raspberry somewhere between Elena's wind chapped cheek and her slobber soaked neck. She leaves her mouth fused to the girl's skin, waits for the full-body laugh she knows is coming.

Because, this little Castle might be quick to whine but she's even quicker to laugh.

Kate rides the wave of pleasure right along with her daughter. It starts low with her knees and toes kicking at her mother's sternum. Then her round little belly shakes just below Kate's chin, the vibration of laughter buzzes against Kate's lips and tickles at her nose, a hot rush of air blows past Elena's plump pink lips. But none of that compares to the sound; the stunning noise of sheer happiness that explodes from Elena's mouth.

"I take it back," Kate whispers reverently with a feathery kiss at Elena's temple. "You're perfect. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise."

Then she's startled by a sudden screech coming directly from her left.

"Hey?" She shifts slightly; Erin is sitting mere inches from her sister. "You're perfect too. You know that?"

Kate kisses Erin' cheek. Doesn't do the raspberry thing though. It won't garner the same response. Erin's not as quick with a smile or a laugh as Elena, or Rick for that matter. She needs time, needs to survey scene, get her legs under her, figure it out from all angles before she dives in.

Rick hasn't called her Mini-Kate from day-one for nothing. The nickname is so appropriate.

Like Kate, she's the bigger thrill-seeker of the two, as well. The youngest Castle girl enjoys being spun around and tossed in the air. She likes to dance in her father's arms and be pushed fast through the park in the jogging stroller. She likes the excitement, the adventure, the feel of the wind on her face.

Elena is kind of a chicken like her daddy. Or like her daddy used to be before…

Before murder cases and murdered mothers. Before bullets and bombs and freezers and snipers. Before death became more than just a tale he wove on the pages of his mystery novels.

Before their mommy...

A warm hand on her face halts her sudden spiraling thoughts; brings Kate back to the here and now.

Back to her precious Erin, so quick with a touch; an offered thumb for her sister to suck on when her precious blue pacifier is lost, tiny fingers wrapped around her daddy's pinky while he snaps her into her car seat or swing or stroller, and even a soft palm against her stupidly anxious mother's cheek.

It's the one way Erin isn't like Kate at all.

Because, even though Kate has always been good at empathizing with a victim; knows what they're feeling, what to say, can even offer them some hope for justice. She's never really known how to comfort them.

Never known how to heal with just a touch.

She's suddenly so grateful for this little life.

She's so grateful for them both of course.

For Elena's unrestrained joy and exuberance, her zest for life and laughter.

But this little one; a tiny reflection of herself, of who she's always been, but that maybe she lost a little bit of along the way.

Kate looks down at her daughter; blue sparkly diamonds shine up at her. Just like her sisters, both of them, her grandmother, her daddy. But there's so much more beyond that; Erin's an old soul.

Kate doesn't believe in reincarnation or anything even remotely close to it, but that doesn't keep her from recognizing that little piece of Johanna Beckett in the recesses Erin's eyes.

So she covers the small hand at her cheek with her larger one, offers the baby Eskimo kisses, whispers softly just as she did to Elena seconds ago.

"So much more than perfect, my little sweetheart. So very extraordinary."

* * *

><p><strong>So many of you have asked for some more Mommy-Baby time and I'm more than happy to give it. Got a couple more up my sleeve. May get some Mommy-Daddy time in there too. ; )<strong>


	17. Chapter 17

"Pumpkin!" Castle exclaims a little louder than he intended.

Alexis stops in her tracks, gets bumped with the grocery cart he's been dutifully pushing along the aisles behind his daughter and her roommate while they shop. The look she gives him when she turns; he remembers that look, hasn't seen it in a while though. Not since she was six and he was chaperoning her first grade field trip to the Natural History Museum. The trip was coming to an end; the kids were lining up, readying themselves to load the bus that would take them back to school, when he very loudly asked her if she needed to go potty before they got on the road.

He withered under the weight of it that day too.

"Seriously Dad! In the grocery store?"

Shelby snickers and so do a couple of other nearby shoppers. Of course the store would be packed; ten o'clock on a Saturday night and these people don't have anything better to do?

Castle shrugs his shoulders, hopes he looks apologetic but feels sheepish as he points to the freezer. He's holding the door open now; the glass is fogged up and quickly becoming opaque. Alexis probably can't even see it now.

"Ice cream." He smiles and winks at Shelby whose still chuckling at Alexis' sudden embarrassment. "They have pumpkin ice cream…, Pumpkin." He whispers the last word which only seems to aggravate his daughter more.

Alexis stalks around the metal cart and pushes the freezer door shut. He flinches, expecting a slamming sound but the door closes with barely a soft oomph.

"You've already put three cartons of ice cream in there." She points into the basket.

She's right and she's wrong; there's Extreme Moose Tracks – he did that, Strawberry – Shelby picked that one, and Vanilla. Okay, yeah he picked that one too, but only because Alexis had already picked up bananas, nuts, and cherries from the produce department. Surely she planned on throwing in some Hershey's Syrup and whipped cream to round out the Ice Cream Sundae bonanza.

"My freezer isn't that big. I need space for real food." She moves farther down the aisle.

"Ooh yeah, like frozen pizza and French fries." He opens another door, starts pulling out red and yellow colored bags. "Do you want crinkle cut or curly?"

"Dad!"

He drops the frozen potatoes, they land in the bottom of the freezer, he doesn't bother to pick them up and put them back on the correct shelf.

"Real food. Like meat and vegetables."

Stunned, he watches her pick out bags of frozen peas, green beans, and one with some sort of medley in it. She tosses them in the cart and keeps moving. She and Shelby round the corner heading to the next aisle.

Alexis has been testy with him for the last couple of hours. He can't seem to do anything right by her. He ordered the wrong crust on her pizza, didn't correct the guy on the phone when the name _Beckett_ came up in their system; apparently the renters never ordered a meal from that particular restaurant in the whole year they lived there, and to top it off, he gave the delivery guy a crummy tip after seeing the way he leered at Shelby with some kind of perverted little grin on his face.

Alexis scolded him for all of it, and okay sure, maybe perverted was too strong of a word, but…

His phone buzzes in his pocket just as he pulls up behind the girls once again. They're discussing which brand of soy milk to get. He can't help but find it a bit ironic, considering neither one of them has ever complained about the two percent in the fridge at the loft.

He swipes the screen to unlock it, reads the text from Kate.

_ur daughter just bit me_

He laughs out loud. Alexis shoots him another look as he scrolls down the screen searching for the right emoticon. Once found he hits send. He doesn't really expect a response, but the phone buzzes almost immediately.

_not even an offer to kiss my boob-oo, make it all better :)_

He really laughs at that, blushes a little too. He hadn't even considered… Oh, that had to hurt?

Poor Kate.

_u ok?_

_seriously?_

"What?" He says out loud; and apparently loudly because Alexis rolls her eyes, tugs at the end of the cart to get him moving again.

He follows.

Decides that_ Seriously_ is quickly becoming his least favorite word.

His phone buzzes again.

_no innuendo… spill?_

He shakes his head, can't help himself because she just knows him so well. He waits for Alexis and Shelby to stop again before he responds. He wouldn't want Alexis to catch him 'texting and driving' even if it is just a grocery cart. She's just that irritated with him tonight for some reason.

_ur daughter is being prickly with me _

Two can play at this game. If the little chomper is his, then the cranky co-ed must belong to her.

_Ha! maybe it's genetic_

It takes him a second to figure that one out. Ah, _prickly_; one figuratively, the other literally.

_but urs is only a flesh wound_

He eases forward pushing the cart with his hips instead of his hands. He's gripping the phone too tight. He's waiting for her response that, for some reason, he so desperately needs all of the sudden.

Thankfully he doesn't have to wait long.

_makes the goodbye easier_

He doesn't understand - any of it. The phone buzzes again.

_4 her - makes it easier if ur mad at her_

He wants to cry. Right here in the middle of the market; he might cry. Instead he keeps walking, creeping along behind the gleefully chatting co-eds.

Yeah, he can feel the tears coming.

_baby_

And he's smiling again - just like that.

_I luv it when u call me baby?_

He waits, with a big goofy grin on his face. Alexis and Shelby turn another corner but he doesn't move. Just waits for the buzz he knows is coming. Not just the one in his hands, but also his head. Because that's how she makes him feel; lightheaded, buzzed – he's intoxicated by her.

_I called u A baby, big difference_

_does not compute_

He cracks himself up with that one.

_better?_

That one catches him off guard. He takes in a big breath, shakes off some of the melancholy. Yeah, he does feel better. How can he not? With all that he's been blessed with.

He grabs the cart one-handed, goes in search of his ill-tempered kid. Because Kate's right. It's been a long day for everyone. And despite her maturity, Alexis has never been good with goodbyes. She gets that from him, he's sure.

She probably doesn't prefer a huge scene in front of Shelby either.

So he'll find her; tell her he's tired and that he needs to get home. It's not a total lie; his back is smarting a bit from all the lifting. Not to mention that he has missed a whole day in the lives of Elena and Erin. Considering his every day is usually filled with them; their cries, their laughs, their dirty diapers. He can't help but feel like he's missed something.

He finds Alexis and Shelby at the meat counter debating over the benefits of a leaner meat – buffalo, for example, as opposed to beef. Seriously, who is this kid and what has she done with his daughter?

"Lex?"

She doesn't answer him, just looks over at him expectantly. Her eyes do soften, however, when he blurts out all the reasons he suddenly needs to go.

He fishes out his wallet, hands her a wad of cash for the groceries. She has a credit card linked to his account of course, but he promised her he'd stock their pantry so…

She can always use the cash, he tells himself.

Then it's over quick, like a band-aid.

An '_I love you'_ and a swift kiss to the top of her head and he's off. His heart pounds hard in his chest, his blood rushes in his ears.

He stops suddenly, glances at his watch, then pulls out his phone.

The twins have most likely already had their baths. Kate's probably in to middle of feeding them, getting them ready for bed. He sends her another text, and hopes he's not too late, hopes she's okay with it.

_don't make me do that again – not tonight anyway_

* * *

><p><strong>I love a sappy Castle<strong>


	18. Chapter 18

**I'm so late in posting. I blame Fall TV *read Castle*, too many good books, and the MLB playoffs, because of which Chezchuckles and I are _mortal enemies_ for at least 2 maybe 5 more days. Go Reds!**

**Where we left off in the last chapter:**

**Alexis and Shelby moved into Kate's old apartment.**

**Alexis was exasperated, to say the least, with her father.**

**Rick texted Kate who was at home with the babies, basically begging her to keep them up late.**

* * *

><p>Kate never responded to his last text message. He figures she probably got busy readying the girls for bed. Or maybe she just didn't want to have to tell him <em>no<em> via text. He's being ridiculous anyway, he knows it. It's not like Elena and Erin aren't going to be there in the morning, they're not going anywhere; not like Alexis – not yet anyway.

Today's just been one of those days. He wants to get home, get in bed, hold his wife, kiss his kids.

"Ugh!" he growls at his over-dramatic self as the elevator doors slide open.

The loft is dark. All the lights are off, even the nightlight plugged into the outlet at the landing of the stairs. Kate must have forgotten to switch it on after she put the babies down. If either infant wakes up in the night he'll just have to be careful making his way to the nursery in a sleep-induced fog.

Castle closes and locks the door, toes of his shoes, drops his jacket along with the grocery bag at his feet. He'd picked up a couple things before leaving the store, but nothing perishable so it can wait till morning, when he's less tired and his back doesn't ache from a day of lifting furniture.

He turns toward the bedroom and is surprised to see light spilling out from under the door; he can hear soft music playing – she waited up for him. His heart skips a beat in anticipation of seeing her; stupid he knows, but it's what she does to him, for him.

The lamp beside the bed spills a soft glow into the space; her iPod plays something soft and melodic from the dresser across the room. Pillows are lined up along the edges of the bed. Quietly he grabs the one closest and drops it to the floor as he kneels down. His back-muscles pull a bit, but he manages to suppress the groan; her back is to him, he doesn't want to startle her.

"Hey."

It's barely a whisper but her head pops up; she greets him with a smile that lights up her entire face, and in that instant the weight of the day lifts - he just feels lighter.

He leans in close to run his hand down her back, "Where's your mommy?" He wipes some drool from her chin with the pad of his thumb, "And your little sister?"

Elena answers his question with some sort of babbling. It's her new thing; from the moment she wakes up in the morning until she falls asleep at night, this kid jabbers. It doesn't surprise him at all. She takes after him in almost every other way; why not this one too. He waits her out, doesn't want to interrupt her, until she ends her little soliloquy with a spit bubble that pops, spraying tiny droplets onto his nose.

Elena reaches for his watch as he scrubs his hand down his face. That's new too; her love of all things shiny. He lays his arm on the mattress next to her. She's on her belly, propped up on her elbows. She'd been chewing on some sort of pink-rubbery-fish-shaped teether when he came in, but she gladly abandons that for a chance at her daddy's jewelry.

He lets her tug on it and even scratch at the face with her clammy fingers, but he grunts out a quick _uh-uh_ when she opens her mouth and jerkily tries to pull his arm towards her lips. She jumps; a little startled at the sound, but she understands. She's heard his version of _no_ before.

Of course that doesn't stop her from trying. Her bottoms lip sags and tears pool in her big blue eyes. She gives him her best puppy-dog face, and oh how it melts his heart. It doesn't make him stupid though, so he shakes his head at her and touches tip of her nose with his finger.

"No way, Baby Girl. This thing costs more than your entire wardrobe." He unclasps the watch and stretches to reach his nightstand. "Your sisters', and maybe even Mommy's, excluding the shoes and leather jackets, of course."

He rests his chin on his folded hands, his torso resting on the firm mattress. It helps ease the tenderness of his muscles.

Foiled, Elena happily goes back to chewing on her toy. Occasionally she lifts her head to smile and/or jabber something at him.

He just watches; wonders at the miracle of her, of his family.

She's in her pajamas; a cream-colored-quilted thing that he's sure has something cute embroidered on the front. He doesn't remember ever seeing it before so it must be new. They grow out of everything so fast. Kate spends most of her days off and even a considerable amount of time in the evenings, on-line shopping for baby clothes.

At first they outgrew everything lengthwise; started out like their mommy so long and lean. Lately, however, they've begun to really fill-out. They have rolls on their arms and legs, their bellies are round like a little Buddha, even their faces are fuller. They still look exactly like Kate though, still absolutely stunning, but with round cheeks and double chins in place of her more angular features.

He doesn't remember Alexis ever being quite so chubby. She's always had a round face, and for the first few years she had what he would call baby-fat, but looking back she was always somewhat lanky. He'd always figured it was something she'd inherited from Meredith. Now he's not so sure. Now he thinks it may have been because she wasn't breastfed.

Just another way his poor choices affected his child.

Not that it negatively affected her. Alexis was always ahead of the curve when it came to hitting her milestones. She sat-up, crawled, walked, and talked earlier than most babies. And her sisters, chubby as they may be, are following in their big sister's footsteps.

As if on cue, Elena shifts from resting on her elbows to her hands, pulls her knees up under herself and begins to rock. His heart jumps into his throat; at almost five months old she's way too young to start crawling, but that doesn't keep her from trying.

She can't sustain it for long though; she falls forward onto her face and somehow manages to flop over into her back; arms stretched out to her sides. She looks up at him with startled eyes, he waits for her to panic, or she waits for him to; he's not sure which. When neither of them does, she just laughs, lifts her left leg up and shoves her foot into her mouth; the thick material of her pajamas probably feels good on her gums.

"She's not gonna disappear if you take your eyes off of her for more than a second, you know?"

A smirking Kate emerges from the bathroom, a naked towel-wrapped Erin in one arm, a diaper and another creamed-colored pair of pajamas in the other. Her hair is pulled back into a long pony-tail at the base of her scull; loose tendrils cling to her damp face. She's wearing the pair of boy shorts and thin tank top, both powder-blue that he'd watched her put on under her clothes that morning. The front of her shirt is so soaked through, presumably from bath time with boisterous water-loving babies. It leaves nothing to the imagination. Not that he needs his imagination to know what's underneath.

She's beautiful and amazing and she's teasing him. She's just too good and it's just too much.

He doesn't answer her. Instead he rises up, scoots onto the bed with his back against the headboard, and scoops Elena up into his lap. She's tired and her jibber-jabber has morphed into long drawn out humming. Her eyelids are heavy and she rubs her eyes with the backs of her hands, her head wagging back and forth. He sits her up with her back to his belly, rocks her side-to-side, pats her chunky thighs.

Kate has already placed Erin on the end of the bed and unwrapped her. She holds the squirming baby still with a hand to her stomach while she reaches for something on the floor. Her free hand comes back filled with a blob of pink baby lotion. She rubs her hands together as she leans over, really leaving nothing to his imagination now, and clicks her tongue at Erin. Sometimes it's the only way to get the baby's attention; whistling and finger snapping work too but Kate prefers the tongue thing.

So does he.

Of course he prefers anything that involves her tongue.

He watches her spread the lotion all over Erin's body; her long slender fingers gently caressing every inch of the baby's skin. She takes extra time with the hands and feet, even places a kiss to each palm and arch before moving on. She quietly shushes the whimper Erin lets out when Kate runs her slick fingers across the infant's face. She finishes the task by pinching some dark locks between her index and middle fingers; the hair curls perfectly from peak to crown.

"Neither will we?"

"Huh?" Castle practically grunts when he realizes she said something.

She shakes her head and clicks her tongue again, but this time it's meant for him. "See what I mean, Erin?"

Erin doesn't respond, she's not vocal like her sister, not yet anyway. But she does watch her mother closely, holds onto the front of Kate's shirt, he's should thank her for that, while her mother diapers and dresses her.

They're on their way around the bed, almost at his side before he realizes it. She sits on the edge of the mattress, her hip next to his thigh; Erin already dozing in her mother's arms.

"So, Alexis was…?"

"Yeah," He breathes out. "Not herself, that's for sure."

"Rough day." Kate smirks at him, reaches out to card her fingers through his hair then drops her arm to do the same to Elena who has fallen asleep on his lap.

"Thanks for keeping them up. I just needed to see them, kiss them goodnight."

"You asked me too."

"I did, but I know you don't like to disrupt their schedule. Especially since you think I'm just being dramatic."

"Rick…"

Kate shifts to carefully lay Erin on the opposite side of the bed; she takes Elena from his arms and lays her next to her sister on the mattress. Then she climbs into his lap; straddles him with a bent leg. Her knee is at his hip, the other leg is outstretched with her bare foot still flat on the hardwood.

"Kate…"

"Shh Castle," she covers his mouth with her palm. "I sometimes forgot that just because out here it may seem a bit _melodramatic_." She pauses to wave her hand in the air much like his mother often does, "That doesn't mean that you don't truly feel it…" then she drops it to cover his heart, "…in here."


	19. Chapter 19

"You stink." Kate giggles at him; her nose jabbing into his neck as she inhales, her mouth hot at his collarbone.

They haven't moved for what seems like forever. She's still in his lap; they're both still propped up in bed just watching their two little girls in peaceful slumber.

Castles reaches for a hand, she has them both tucked between their bodies; all snug as a bug. He runs her knuckles over his lips, inhales deeply.

"And you smell like love."

Kate answers him with a hmpff, but doesn't pull her hand away. In fact he's pretty sure she just cuddled in a little deeper.

"Don't hmpff me, Women." His words tease but his voice, so soft and low, belies the levity.

"See here?" He works his way up her arm, his nose skimming the soft skin along the inside of her bicep. He inhales again, even darts his tongue out for a taste. "The smell of hard work; sweat from a day spent loving Alexis."

"And here," his nose slides back down the same path, meets the palm of her hand where he still holds it firmly in his. He breathes her in again, but doesn't taste this time. "Fresh and clean; a quiet evening at home spent loving on my babies."

Castle has every intention of moving on - to her hair, to her neck, to every other part of her magnificent body. He can do it he knows; he can find beautiful words for every piece of her. But all of a sudden his mouth is covered by Kate's. Her tongue slides alongside his and he's rendered absolutely speechless.

Her body turns to liquid gold in his arms; fluid, hot, and so very precious.

He suddenly wishes he had more hands to hold onto her so she doesn't pour completely out of his grasp. His knees pull up behind her until she's pinned between his thighs and his torso. She's raised over him now, her arms wrapped around his head; fingers tugging in his hair as she devastates him with her mouth. Her ribcage digs almost painfully into his chest with every ragged breath she takes, but her breasts cushion the blow as they pillow beneath his chin.

Forget smell, it's all about taste now. The remnants of baby lotion on her lips; leftovers from kissing soft baby skin, something sweet and fruity on her teeth; she clearly had junk for dinner, and finally the dark rich flavor of Kate.

Of his wife.

She rolls her hips against his stomach. She's managed to wrap one leg around him and he can already feel the moist heat of her, even through their two sets of clothing. If you can call those flimsy boy-shorts she's wearing clothing.

She still has her other foot on the floor and she's using it for leverage. He grabs her thigh; the smooth flesh barely gives beneath his fingers as he squeezes, her muscles solid and flexing in rhythm with her rolling body. She must take it as encouragement because she splays her leg wider; opens herself up to him in invitation.

And he so very much wants to accept, but…

"Kate." He manages to choke out.

She doesn't let up, just continues her assault on his mouth; on his senses.

"Kate, babies…" he tries again. He's not sure the words actually sound right. It's hard to speak with two tongues in his mouth.

She does leave his lips then, but only to move up his jaw, to suck on his earlobe, to whisper in his ear. "Yes Rick, this _is_ how you make babies."

And that does it; he wants her now, but not here. Not with Elena and Erin sleeping next to them, it's just too weird. So he grabs her backside; it's completely unintentional when his fingers slip beneath the hem of her shorts, but he's not sorry and he can tell by the way she moans against his neck that she's not sorry either.

He shifts to the edge of the bed, hopes he's not jostling the girls too badly. His feet find the floor, but the instant he moves to stand the effects of a hard day's work strike him like lightening.

A sharp pain begins in his lower back and radiates down both legs. He's not able to stand up and the weight of Kate in his arms lurches him forward.

Kate yelps when she feels herself suddenly falling backwards. She hooks one arm around Rick's neck, drops the other one trying to catch them both as the floor rises up to meet them. But then she feels her husband's feet shift beneath her, widening his stance so that he squats rather than falls. Kate's butt rams into the tops of his knees with a thud.

The words '_what the hell' _almost pass her lips, but then she sees his strained face, hears his breath hissing through clenched teeth, feels his biceps shaking in attempts to keep her from hitting the floor.

"Your back?"

He manages nothing more than a nod and a grunt.

"Okay, let me…"

She doesn't finish the sentence just begins to move slowly; unwrapping and lowering her legs from where she'd been clinging to him. She slides them to the floor and then helps him to sit on the bed with a hand at his chest and the other offering counter support at his elbow. He grips her hips so tight she's sure it'll bruise.

"Better?"

She's on her knees between his, her hands kneading the tight muscles in his thighs. His jaw is still tight, but he's breathing a little quieter; the pained look on his face has eased somewhat.

He finally opens his eyes and she can see some mirth in them.

"What?"

"Nothing," he shakes his head, "just can't believe you thought you could catch me... us with this puny little thing."

He's got her hand and is shaking her arm like a noodle. She's glad the pain has subsided enough for him to joke, but she's still worried, she could have really hurt him. Why hadn't she noticed how much he must've overdone it today? Everyone knows he goes overboard. Especially when the boys are involved; he always feels like he has to keep up; even out-do. But she won't harp, won't baby him if he doesn't want to be babied.

"I've caught bigger men than you with these puny things."

She wraps her arms around him, presses her fingers into the knotted muscles low on his back. He jerks at the sudden pressure, grunts into her hair, squeezes her hips again, but doesn't ask her to stop.

"I thought you caught them with your brain; used your keen investigative skills?"

Kate laughs at him; loves his ability to make her smile even when he's hurting. "No, that's what I caught you with."

"No way Kate," his voice is close. Clearly her impromptu massage is helping because his body has begun to slump forward; his words practically a whisper in her ear. "You caught me with this smokin' body."

His hands slide from her hips to the curve of her backside. He squeezes playfully.

"No way Mister!" Kate grabs his hands, stands up. "I'm not going to be responsible for making that back of yours worse. Come on. Bathtub" She tugs on his hands, tries to pull him up.

He rises slowly, deliberately; obviously still hurting, but there's mischief in the way he smirks at her. "Aw, Mommy going to make it all better?"

Kate narrows her eyes at him, but she doesn't even try to hide the delight in them either. They both know she can figure out a way to make them both feel better without making his back worse.

She grabs the pillow off the floor, tosses it as him, nods her head towards the bed; instructing him to put it back the way she had it earlier. Wouldn't want the girls to roll off the bed.

Then she heads for the bathroom.

"You coming, Baby?"

"Mama mia." He follows.

* * *

><p>"Oh my god, Kate." Rick leans back in the tub, his large body pressing hers into the porcelain. The warm sudsy water laps around their naked bodies as he settles his head low on her chest. "That. Was. Amazing."<p>

She snorts, scratches hers nails across his chest to rouse him. It's not like they just had sex, but you'd never know that with the way he sounds; soft and slurry, and feels; so heavy against her.

"When you do finally decide to quit the force," He continues, apparently without filter, "you can set up shop as a masseuse." He shifts sideways, cuddles his cheek at her breast; nuzzles at her. "You'd make a fortune. I'd never have to write another word. I'd be happy being a kept man."

It takes her by surprise, the way he says it; like it's a foregone conclusion that she'll eventually quit the force. Like being a cop isn't what she was put on this earth to be.

But maybe it isn't. She can't be a cop forever. Not the kind of cop she is now. She can only work the streets for so long. Eventually age will catch up with her. And they'll be promotions; she's advanced up the chain faster than most officers. She'll eventually make Lieutenant, and then maybe even Captain. Neither position will allow for much case work; only supervision and playing bureaucratic politics.

Two things she absolutely has no interest in.

Then there's her family; Him, Erin and Elena, Alexis, and…?

And…? Oh yeah, she's having more kids with him. Who's she kidding? Making babies with this man was the most spectacular thing she's ever done – ever.

Having babies with him; actually having them here, in her arms every day. It's indescribable. Being a mother is – it's _everything_.

"Is that what you want, Castle?"

"Hmm?"

"You want me to be a kept woman?"

She feels the moment her words sink in. The body she just worked over, that she just spent a half hour loosening up, goes stiff in her arms. His breathing catches in his lungs and his fingers claw at her knee.

"Shit Kate."

He must realize what he said; how it sounded. He sits up, turns so swiftly to face her that water sloshes over the side of the tub, splashes onto the tile floor. The worried expression on his face says it all.

And of course she knows.

This is Castle.

Rick.

Her husband.

All he _ever_ wants for her is to be happy.

"Kate? I could never… I didn't mean… kept?"

"Shh," Kate presses her fingers to his lips, slides her knee across his lap. "I'm yours, Castle. Always. Please - keep me."


	20. Chapter 20

"It's no use – no more sleep for this little one."

Kate drudges down the stairs, shuffles toward him. Her hair is in a matted mess with tangled tendrils going in all directions. Her red-rimmed eyes are bloodshot and dark circles have begun to form underneath.

And the baby on her hip doesn't look to be faring much better. Little rosy cheeks smeared with tears, her nose and eyes crusted with ungodly amounts of mucus. The poor kid is so sick, but all things considered, she's handling her first bout with illness pretty well. She's whiny and hasn't slept for more than a few hours here and there over the last couple of days, but it could be worse. He would know; Alexis was a terror whenever she got even the slightest sniffle.

"Here, let me."

Rick reaches out as Kate shuffles up next to him. He's offering to take Erin from her but she shakes him off, more with a grunt than with any actual physical movement; she's not willing to let go of her cuddly sick little girl just yet.

Erin seems to agree. She stiffens as he reaches for her, buries her head in her mother's neck, and tightens her fist around a handful of Kate's nightgown.

And yeah, that hurts.

It shouldn't. He should be used to it by now.

His girls are growing up. They no longer just eat, sleep, and poop the day away. They babble, they play, and they'll be crawling any day. They can even sit up by themselves; well they can't actually get into a seated position on their own yet but once they're up they stay that way for a good ten minutes before tumbling over with a thud.

They've gotten so big and so strong - of both body and mind.

But especially mind.

Both Erin and Elena know what they want and when they want it. And lately what they both seem to want, or more specifically _who_ they want is Kate.

Yep, they want their Mommy - all the time.

He can't blame them really. He's in the same boat; he wants her all the time too, but it still stings just a little bit.

It's something he never had to deal with when Alexis was young.

The way they're little arms reach out for Kate whenever she comes into a room, the way their eyes follow her, the two of them strapped in their highchairs, as she bounces around the kitchen preparing their cereal or maybe just loading the dishwasher. Even the lilt in their voices as they babble at her from the back seat of the SUV when they pick her up after work for an impromptu family night out.

They've got it bad.

It's pathetic really. He and his daughters - all three of them so needy and wanting of her.

So, he swallows the hurt, pushes it down. He knows it's not personal. They've just come to know that Daddy is always there, they can always have him. Sometimes Mommy isn't, so they take advantage.

Yeah, his kids are pretty much geniuses.

"Did you get through?" Kate nods at the phone in his hand.

"Yeah, he has an opening at three."

Castle sets the phone down, grabs a napkin to wipe the snot Erin has somehow managed to smear across Kate's collarbone. He contemplates wiping down the baby's face too, but quickly decides the screaming that will ensue isn't worth it. He'll get her into the tub sooner or later.

"Thanks," Kate manages on a yawn; her mouth closing so close to Erin's forehead that she can't help but press her lips there, humming a 'Mommy loves you' against the feverish skin.

"Seriously Kate, you're half asleep. Let me take her. You go crawl back in bed. I'll wake you for lunch."

"Uh-uh, got to go to work."

"Kate you're exhausted. You'll be no good to anyone like this. I'm not even sure I'd trust you with your own gun right now. Might shoot your own foot off."

She laughs at him, leans forward to rest her head on his chest. "That'd wake me up for sure."

"Earn you a new nickname too." He rubs a hand and up and down her back to rouse her. "Look, it's Friday, you closed out a case yesterday, the boys can handle the paperwork. Take a long weekend to rest and…"

"Castle…"

He doesn't finish the sentence. The words '_and to take care of our baby' _will remain forever unsaid, out loud anyway. He can't do that to her, not with the way she just breathed his name into his neck. Almost a plea; begging him not to slice her in two like that, not to crush her with the weight of her own choices.

Not today.

"Yeah… I get it."

He feathers a few soft kisses along her hairline then gently takes Erin, who protests only slightly at this point; too lethargic to do much more than whine. He reaches for his coffee, presses the lukewarm mug into one of her free hands, watches her long fingers curl around the mug as she presses it into her sternum, breathes in the familiar aroma.

He nods, "Drink it. Pump and dump. You need the caffeine. Can't stand the thought of having to call you Hopalong for the rest of your life."

She laughs at that too, "I don't know, Hopalong Castle? Kind of has a ring to it."

* * *

><p>The elevator is sweltering. He keeps meaning to call the Building Manager about it. Going from the freezing November weather to the almost tropical temperature of the elevator car isn't pleasant. They're not even halfway to their floor and he's sure both babies are most likely already wringing wet with sweat under their snowsuits.<p>

He's even sweating and all he managed to put on before heading out earlier in the afternoon was a zip-up hoodie over the t-shirt he wore to bed the previous night.

Erin wheezes, sucks in a quick raspy breath that usually precedes a coughing fit. Dr. Glazier said they need to pat her back, similar to how they burp her only slightly harder; she needs help loosening up all that phlegm.

Castle drops the diaper bag from his shoulder, sets Elena down; she's still buckled into her car seat. He can see that her cheeks are flushed and the little bit of hair that sticks out from under her hood is already curling up with perspiration. But she seems content enough. For another few minutes anyway.

"I know baby."

He soothes Erin through yet another bought of coughing. This one is shorter, only lasting a few seconds; the breathing treatment the Pediatrician gave her seems to be helping, but it has made her a little jittery; the Doctor had warned him it might. She spent most of the ride home kicking and coughing. He had to get her out of that seat as soon as he parked the car in the garage. Lying on her back was doing more harm than good.

He pushes the hood off her head, unzips the front of her jacket. The lavender shirt underneath has darkened with sweat across her chest, but he can't manage to remove the whole getup one-handed.

"Almost home girls. We'll get these things off." He presses his lips to Erin's damp head. "Let Mommy fill your tummies."

The baby has some sort of bronchitis or related virus. Not much to be done for it. She received a breathing treatment and Dr. Glazier's nurse gave him a couple of packets of Vicks to pour into the humidifier in the nursery. He also stopped by the drug store to grab some baby strength vapor rub for her chest and some saline to put in her nose to help loosen the mucus so it can be suctioned out before it drains down her throat.

He's saving that task for Kate.

It's only fair. She did kind of ditch him; didn't make it to the baby's appointment like she'd planned.

Her day of paperwork had gotten interrupted. She'd texted him around noon to let him know that she and Esposito had to conduct a witness interview for a case; not theirs - not even a case in their jurisdiction, but, Gates owed somebody a favor and so Kate and Javier were on it. She said she'd try to make it to the appointment, but if not she'd meet them at home after. She'd pickup dinner.

His cell died pretty soon after that, having forgotten to charge it. He hopes Kate isn't too frantic since he did promise he'd call her as soon as he left the Doctor's office to let her know about Erin's diagnosis.

The elevator doors finally slide open; the rush of cool air from the hallway sends a chill across his sweaty neck. Jeez, no wonder the baby is sick. Elena will be next he's sure of it. '_The perks of having twins'_ the nurse had quipped when she checked him out.

When he gets to the door, he tries the handle. He's not surprised that it's locked. Even if Kate made it home before them, she wouldn't have left it unlocked. He raps his knuckles against the hard surface a couple times then goes digging for the keys. He dropped them in the car seat with Elena when he got her out of the car.

There in there somewhere.

When the door swigs open he thankfully gives up hunting for the keys.

"Thanks Love, my hands are full…"

His statement trails off when he notices the women beyond the threshold isn't his wife. The swath of red hair is hard to miss even when distracted.

It's unexpected but he's glad she's here. Extra hands will be appreciated right about now. And if Alexis is home then most likely Shelby is with her. Even better; the more hands the merrier.

"Hey Pumpkin!"

"Dad?"

It's the sound of her voice that stops him in his tracks. The look on her face scares the shit out of him. Her face is pale, her blue eyes wide and wild.

She reaches for the handle of the car seat; one delicate hand wrapping around the molded plastic, the other covering his. She's trying to take Elena, but he won't let go, suddenly he can't. So she pulls him instead, does for him what his feet all of a sudden seem incapable of doing. It forces him over the threshold.

And he's right, she's not alone. But it's more than just she and Shelby. There are at least three maybe four more people standing in his living room.

"Kate?"

He has to ask, because although his brain can't quite decipher who all _is_ here at the moment, he knows one thing for sure - she isn't.

Kate's not home.

His wife isn't here.

Suddenly the room is spinning. He can't breathe. He's not really sure how his legs are still holding him up.

He watches everything in slow motion.

Alexis frees the baby seat from his grasp; forces his white-knuckled fingers open and passes the carrier onto Shelby. Then she's reaching for Erin. The baby's so over-stimulated from lack of sleep, the days travel, and the medicine that just this slight movement has her crying, then coughing, and finally choking.

"Up! Keep her up, pat her back!"

His voice feels week, but by the way Alexis flinches he thinks he might be yelling. Jenny hugs the teenager, helps her over to the couch.

Damn, they're all here. And oh god it can't be good, not if they're all here. Every one of them - come to comfort him.

"Kate?" It's desperate this time.

"Castle." Ryan's talking to him now. The man who always manages to look boyish, but now looks so serious.

Too serious.

"Richard."

His mother is at his side. Her long boney fingers digging into the flesh above his elbow. She's trying to hold him up; his legs have failed him, his knees no more substantial than jello. Ryan takes his other side, does a better job than his mother but still it's no use.

He's dead weight.

Without her – he's just dead weight.


	21. Chapter 21

**Got some people seriously worked up with that last chapter. Hopes this helps.**

* * *

><p>"Seriously Beckett!" Esposito bites at her. "You're wearing a path in the concrete. Not to mention driving me crazy."<p>

Beckett stops pacing, glares at him from across the small stark room. The prisoner cuffed to the bench in the corner huffs out what sounds like a _'thank god' _but doesn't dare say anymore when she shoots him a warning look over her shoulder.

She glances at her watch again; eleven-thirty. They've been cooped up in this ten-by-ten cinderblock interrogation room for almost ten hours now.

"What's taking so long?" She takes another couple of steps, hears Espo's frustrated sigh and stops.

"It's a prison riot, Beckett. Takes as long as it takes." He taps the top of the stainless steel table he's sitting on. "Sit."

Beckett takes a seat beside her partner; her boots make a clopping sound against the attached bench. The metal is cold beneath her; it seeps through her wool dress pants – chills her to the bone. She leans forward, presses her forearms into the tops of her thighs. It's the only way she'll be able to keep herself still and quiet.

"Next time Gates asks us for a favor I think we say no."

"Huh. Not sure we had a choice."

He's right, of course.

Your Captain tells you to drive upstate to conduct a witness interview in a decades old case you do it; an order's an order. The fact that the witness is in prison, and the other inmates chose today to incite a riot, take over the common areas of the facility, beat up a few guards?

Not really Gates' fault.

On the bright side, the prisoners haven't gained access to the administrative section of the prison, just somehow managed to cut it off from the exits. So Beckett and Esposito are safe; relatively anyway. She'd feel better if she had her weapon and her cell phone, but the whole facility is on lockdown protocol. Reinforcements have arrived and are in place. It's just a matter of subduing the prisoners, getting them back to their cells. Could be another hour, could take all night.

"I had a choice." Beckett buries her face in her hands, scrubs her fingers through her hair. "She was so sick, Javi."

"Yeah, you said."

"She was so sick and all she wanted was her mommy. I left her. I _chose_ work."

"You left her with Castle. He's a good dad, Beckett. Capable."

"Yeah." She whispers in concurrence. Because he is a good dad, the best really. "But…"

"But what?" Esposito snaps and she's surprised at his sudden temper. "Look Beckett, I'm not sure what you want me to say here?"

"Me either really." Kate's head sags, her hair drapes on either side of her face, hides the tears that threaten to flow. "Just ignore me. Cabin fever, you know how it is." She doesn't dare blame postpartum hormones or painfully full mammary glands. He'd never look at her the same.

She moves to stand, to return to the pacing, but Esposito's hand slides over hers, gives them an apologetic squeeze; calms the wringing. She stays seated at his side.

"You're a great cop, Kate, best I've ever worked with. Probably the best I'll ever work with."

He lets go of her hand, but doesn't move to get up. He has more to say, so she waits him out. He's usually so quick to the point. Castle's been rubbing off on him; making him long-winded.

"You know that feeling you get when someone says _'I'm on the job'_?" Kate nods, but he's already moving ahead.

"The sense of pride those four little words invoke, the camaraderie. It's a noble thing we do, Beckett."

She nods again, agreeing full well with everything he just said.

"But…"

That there's a _'but'_ surprises Kate, even more so, his hand at her back, the gentle way he tugs at her until she's looking at him. His eyes expectant. "But what?"

"But at the end of the day that's all it is, really. It's just a job, Kate. It's just a job."

* * *

><p>He's still reeling. He knows she's okay. He hasn't been able to talk to her, doesn't know firsthand, but at last report she was unharmed, alive.<p>

He gets it; why they were all there, in his loft.

His cell was dead; they couldn't get a hold of him. His wife is practically being held hostage in a maximum security prison and his damn cell phone was dead. So they called his daughter, his mother. Jenny came to help with the babies; care for them in case Alexis and Martha weren't able.

He gets it – he really does. But hell, they scared the shit out of him.

He'd thought Kate was gone. He'd thought he'd never see her alive again, never hold her, hear her voice, kiss her lips. He'd thought he'd never get to make love to her again.

He'd thought the dream was over.

"You holding up back there, Castle?"

Lanie's voice startles him. He jumps, drops his cell on the floor of Ryan's cruiser. He reaches for it in the dark, panics a little until his fingers are once again wrapped around the warm plastic.

Because it's his lifeline right now.

Not just because Alexis has been texting him every twenty minutes or so with updates on the babies, especially Erin; if she's sleeping, if her fever has gone down. But also because the Warden has promised to patch Kate through as soon as she and Esposito are safe; getting to their cells and weapons may not be possible immediately, and needs to hear from her _immediately_.

So he holds on tight, waits for the tiny device to buzz in his hand, to let him know for sure.

He feels bad about leaving Erin, but he couldn't just sit at home and wait any longer. He needs to be there when she gets out. Needs to see for himself that she's okay.

She'll probably scold him for it too; for leaving the girls. She'll tell him what a baby he is. Remind him that she wasn't really in any danger, after all.

The prisoners can't get to her. Everyone keeps saying it. They can't get to her. They're all being barricaded in, cordoned off; all five-hundred and sixty-two of them.

Castle Googled the prison and its population - Five-hundred and sixty-two violent criminals, including one-hundred and seventy-two murderers and ninety-four rapists; some of those overlapping.

Twenty murdering-rapists.

And his beautiful wife is in there with every last one of them.

"They can't get to her, they can't get to her, they can't get to her." His breathing is erratic as he repeats it to himself, "They can't get to her."

"Castle!"

His head snaps up, "Yeah, I'm okay… I'm okay."

"We're almost there." Ryan chimes in from the driver seat. "Another couple of minutes."

Castle can already see the lights; the large search beams that have been set up all around the massive structure. They illuminate the entire area. It's as if it were closer to noon instead of approaching midnight. Helicopters are circling overhead and he's not sure if they're part of the effort to get the prison back under control or if they're media.

As Ryan pulls the cruiser to a stop, the phone vibrates in his palm. He doesn't recognize the number, it's not Alexis.

"Kate!" Castle is out of the car, his feet pounding against the blacktop. He can barely hear her, but it's her. "Kate? Where are you?"

"We're out, Castle. We're safe… I'm safe."

He's still running. People are filing past him, stunned women and kids being shoved around by armed men, National Guard by the looks of them. He'd been told there were civilians in their too; visitors, families of the prisoners, but kids?

"Jeez who brings their kids to a prison?"

"Castle!"

"Yeah Love, I'm here."

He's spinning in circles looking for her amongst the confusion. The choppers overhead have him disoriented; the wind and the noise filling all his senses.

Then he sees it; the unmistakable silhouette of her body outlined by an almost blinding light. Her never-ending legs, the regal set of her shoulders, the sharp point of her bent elbow where she holds the phone to her ear.

"Castle?"

"Kate?"

Then she's safe, in his arms, the only place she ever wants to be.

* * *

><p><strong>I promise, at least three, maybe four chapters of nothing but fluff coming up. I think you all deserve it for surviving that little cliffhanger. Especially you Twyger, and thank you for all the virtual love.<strong>


	22. Chapter 22

**I know, I know, I know… **

**I've been terrible at updating this. Real life just gets crazy around the holidays. I appreciate you all so very much for your continued support of this story, this universe, your wonderful reviews and gentle nudging. Please just bear with me through the end of the year, I promise I'll pick up the pace after that. **

**I promised fluff, but this is kinda the pre-fluff. **

* * *

><p>"Not sure why I'm still shaking. It's pretty warm in here." Kate flattens her hands, palms-down, against the Formica tabletop; tries to quell the residual jitters.<p>

"It's the adrenaline, Hon... And don't look at me like I'm crazy." Lanie smacks at the back of Kate's hand, waits as the waitress sets a cup of hot chocolate in front of her friend. "You spend that much time on high-alert, even if it is just mental, it takes a toll. You'll probably crash as soon as your head hits that motel pillow. I know Javi will."

Kate knows Lanie's right. She does feel a little like a caged animal that's been released back into the wild; exhilarated by the freedom, but mostly just strung-out by the whole ordeal. She wraps her fingers around the warm porcelain but doesn't lift the cup; just leans over it to sip up some of the sweet liquid.

"It felt different this time."

"What did?" Lanie rips open a couple of pink sweetener packets and pours them into her coffee.

"I'm no stranger to danger. I've had more near death-experiences than I'd like to remember, but…" She sips at her drink again, tries to sort out her emotions. "It's always been the same. You run through all the regrets, all the things you left undone or unsaid; all the missed opportunities, all the _what-ifs_. Then you just kind of accept your fate. You don't give up the fight, but you have to find some kind of peace with it; if it's gonna be the end."

Lanie laughs, "So your life really does flash before your eyes? I thought that was just a cliché?"

"They are clichés for a reason."

"True," Lanie sets down her mug, "and this time?"

"This time…" Kate wills back the tears that suddenly burn at the back of her eyes. She presses her fist against her sternum, tries to relieve some of the sudden ache throbbing in her chest. "This time, if it had come down to the end, there would've been no peace in it. It wouldn't have been possible…"

"Because of the girls?"

"Yeah," Kate whispers into her cup, "because of the girls."

Suddenly she doesn't want to think about it anymore. About how badly she just wants to be home with her babies. About how empty her arms feel without them in it. About all the things she would have missed. About all the stories she imagined Rick telling them of their dead mommy, had she not survived the night.

A tear does manage to break free; it burns hot and wet down her cheek. She wipes it away with her sleeve, tries to sit up as straight as she can despite the immense pressure in her breasts; thinking about Elena and Erin makes it even worse.

"It's stupid, I know." She flashes a watery smile at her best friend. "We weren't really ever in any imminent danger. I've got to buck up before the boys get here; before Castle, because he's been…"

She doesn't elaborate on that. She's pretty sure Lanie has noticed how clingy Castle's been since she and Esposito emerged from the prison. He's held her hand a little too tight. He practically crushed her into his side during the drive to the nearest town with a hotel and a twenty-four hour diner. Plus he's been a little too domineering; ordering Ryan around like he's his boss, making all the decisions for them on his own, like stopping to get some food and rest before heading back to the city. It's the right thing, they all agree. They're exhausted and famished, but still. He could have asked.

The bell over the restaurant door rings as Ryan and Esposito barrel in. Ryan takes off his coat, grabs an empty chair from a nearby table to sit at the end of their booth; Espo slides in next to Lanie.

Castle's not with them.

"Where is he?" Kate tries not to sound whiney.

Esposito takes a drag from Lanie's coffee mug, practically gags when he realizes it's not just black then reaches for Kate's marshmallowy goodness. "Clerk at the motel told him about a pharmacy a couple blocks away." He shrugs his shoulders, gulps down her whole cup, and then waves for the waitress.

They place their orders, Kate orders for Castle, as well.

"Said you needed something? I offered to drive him, but he said he could use the walk." Ryan doesn't elaborate, but Lanie clears her throat, squirms in her seat.

"What?" Kate asks, clearly missing something.

Both boys look at Lanie and so she spills, "What were we supposed to do? He wasn't home, his cell was dead. We called Martha and Alexis, he wasn't with either of them. We didn't realize how it would appear to him; coming home to the loft full of very somber-looking family and friends."

"Oh no?" Kate hadn't realized, he hadn't said anything. Now she feels even more guilty; for scaring him, for begrudging his clinginess and his sudden need to take control.

For all of it.

"He thought you were dead, Kate."

"And let me just say," Ryan jumps back into the conversation, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall. And Castle is about as big as they come."

The bell over the door rings again, just as their meals arrive. He doesn't have anything in his hands, but Kate notices a small bag peeking out of his coat pocket when he hangs it over the seatback. He shakes his head slightly as he slides into the booth next to her.

"Sorry, Love." He whispers as he touches his cold lips to her cheek. "Not a very well-stocked place."

Kate groans and leans into his side as he wraps an arm around her shoulders. "S'okay," she whispers back, the _crash_ Lanie mentioned earlier suddenly hitting her hard. "A hot shower might help some."

"Hey, you want to talk to Jenny, Beckett?" Ryan holds his phone up.

"It's four in the morning." Kate grabs the cell; she can hear Erin coughing before the phone connects with her ear. It's rattly and horrible and her baby sounds like she's choking. Kate has to fight the urge to run to the car, race home as fast as she can. "Is she okay?"

"_She's fine." _Jenny sounds just as perky as ever despite the time. _"Her fever broke a while ago, just have to help her through the boughts of coughing. I hope you don't mind. I decided to sleep on the couch. I just feel better sitting up and holding her. She coughs so much when I lay her down."_

"Thank you." Kate doesn't know what else to say. Thank you doesn't even seem to be near enough. "I'm so sorry."

"_What for?"_

"Just… I'm sure you'd rather be home, in your own bed with your husband…" Kate smiles at her Jr. Detective who suddenly blushes a bright red.

"_Kate, it's not a problem. Been pretty easy since Alexis and me decided to divide and conquer. Besides, it's good practice." _Jenny laughs. _"But don't tell Kevin I said that. He'll freak out. He doesn't think he's ready."_

"Secret's safe with me." Kate winks at Ryan who looks none too amused. "Give her a kiss for me, will you? Tell her Mommy loves her and I'll be home soon."

"_Already done."_

Kate hands the phone back to Ryan, "You're a lucky guy, Kevin Ryan."

"Yeah, I am."

"Dude, Seriously?" Espo punches his partner's shoulder. "You're such a girl sometimes. Look, I'm beat. You ready Lanie?"

"Wait?"

Castle jumps up from the booth, grabs a donut from under the lid of a glass cake dish on the nearby counter. He winks at the waitress before she can scold him for his antics. He's back at the table, practically fused to Kate's side in a flash.

"Castle, we can take dessert back to the room…"

She's interrupted by his finger at her lips. The giddiness gone as suddenly as it appeared. He's once again serious; almost somber. He plops the oversized cinnamon covered pastry in the middle of the table, reaches for the bag in his coat pocket.

"A few hours ago I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to say these words to you again."

He pulls two candles out of the rattling bag. They're both pink. They're both three's.

Kate's shocked. She'd completely lost track of the date, but Castle hadn't.

"A few hours ago I thought the day that is usually reserved to celebrate your extraordinary life would just be the first day of an eternity spent mourning your death."

He sticks the candles as carefully as he can into the donut, lights them with a match he must have taken from the motel when he checked them in.

"Happy birthday, Kate."

* * *

><p><strong>Yeah, would have been better had I published this a few weeks back, but this is the timing of this story. <strong>

**WARNING! The next chapter will be M; maybe a strong M for some.**


	23. Chapter 23

**I'm back! My holiday in the OBX was great! Then I got the flu as soon as I got home and have been bedridden for a week. I'm on the mend now and ready to write.** **Thank you all for patiently not so patiently waiting for the next chapter. I hope this was worth the wait.**

* * *

><p>"Need anything else?"<p>

The shower to her left is running; steam billows from behind the plastic curtain, a stack of clean clothes sits on the sink to her right, she can see the bed in the adjacent room of the motel - the covers folded back - ready for Kate to slide in and fall asleep.

He's done all of it. Yet still he's asking her what she needs; what he can do for her.

She doesn't deserve him, the things he does for her, the things he's given up because of her.

She reaches for him, hooks an arm around the back of his neck, pulls him in. "I need you."

Already undressed for the shower, Kate has to stand on tiptoes to bury her face in his neck. She breathes him in; that familiar smell of her husband, of home, of everything she loves. It's more arousing than it should be considering the hour, and the day they've had, but the pull of him is irresistible. She moans in the back of her throat, hugs him a little tighter. Their hips bump and her breasts, growing heavier with arousal, ache as his ribcage presses against them.

"You're tired, Love." He sounds sincere, but his hands are already sliding lower, skimming past the sensitive skin at the small of her back.

"You smell good." He laughs at her, the vibration sending shivers across her bare skin.

"I haven't showered in two days Kate. I stink."

"Uh-uh, you smell like my babies."

That realization has Kate's blood strumming through her body; her breasts throb and need is already pulsing between her legs. She slips her hand between their bodies, flicks the button of his jeans open with a nimble flick of her wrist. He must not have had time to put on a belt today, and even though that fact ignites a spark of guilt in her it also somehow pleases her. Because she wants him, needs him.

And she kinda need this to be quick.

She kisses him for distraction, forces her tongue passed his lips just as she forces her hands into his pants, he squeals a little into her mouth which tickles her tongue and she almost loses it right there; her knees buckling but his strong arms are at her back, holding her up.

"Cold hands. Let me."

Rick lowers his head to skim his mouth along her jaw, multitasks to step out of his jeans and boxers. His shirt goes next, separating their bodies enough to pull the material over his head. Then he freezes. His eyes on her bare chest. She sees his throat work on a swallow, his hands raising slightly as if he wants to touch. And she wants him to, but she hasn't let him. Not since before the girls. It somehow felt too intimate, too...

But he's her husband; two flesh become one right?

"Touch me, Castle."

She circles his wrist with her fingers, places his hand at her chest. He's tentative, gentle even. Like he's never touched them before which is funny somehow because really, he probably knows her body better then she does at this point. And she would laugh but it does actually hurt a little. She's so full from not nursing in almost twenty-four hours. Her skin taut and her flesh hard. Of course she has a feeling both issues will resolve themselves within minutes.

She just hopes it doesn't scare the crap out of him when...

"Shower."

The water is hot, not as hot as her husband hard and heavy at her back, but hot enough to already be helping with the pressure in her chest.

"Open Kate."

Rick's right hand tugs at her thigh, urging her to give him access and she does so willingly; propping a foot up on the side of the tub, splaying her self open for his welcome invasion. His fingers are on her instantly; plump pads circling decisively before replacing them with the whole heel of his hand - an overwhelming pressure that would have her struggling to stay upright if not for his other arm firmly wrapped around her body; his free hand kneading one breast while she works at the other.

She can feel the milk being expressed with each squeeze and the relief is almost as sweet as the feel of his fingers between her legs. She isn't sure that Rick realizes. If he does it apparently doesn't matter. Besides, the creamy liquid gets washed away by the jet of the shower and gets rinsed down the drain.

She feels him start to slip a finger inside, but she doesn't want that, she wants...

"I want you, Rick."

Kate's not sure if he can hear her over the sound of the water, so she pulls his hand to her mouth, sucks her arousal from his fingers, and shit if that doesn't to it for her.

"I didn't bring any condoms."

And for some reason that strikes her funny. Yeah sure, since the girls were born they've tried to use protection consistently, because can they really rely on that _'you can't get pregnant while breast feeding'_ thing? But come on. They've forgotten about it more times than they've remembered and besides, does he really think she'd mind if he got her pregnant again?

"Give it your best shot, Stud." Kate teases him; wiggles her bottom against him with a bit of force and his hips buck aggressively at her back. She tips forward, catches herself with her hands against the tiled wall, and yeah now she's really ready for him to just do this; to just do her.

Rick watches her shaking her ass in front of him and god if she's not serious about this baby thing she really needs to stop that right now. He places his hand over her spine; holds her still for just a second - gives her time to think.

"Focus, Castle!" She's laughing at him, and she's reaching back for him, blindly flailing and...

"Whoa, Love." He grabs her hand before she can find purchase, presses it back into the tile in front of them; covers both her hands with his. "You plan on having more kids with me, you gotta be more careful."

Then he's inside her and he's completely lost; in the feel of her, the sight of her, smell of her. He thrusts hard, stroke after stroke and she meets him move for move. She fits around him so perfectly; every tight wet inch of her body hugs his. She clenches around him every time he pulls out as if she can't bear to be without him. So he rewards her with long slow strokes, pivoting his hips with each plunge making sure to hit every spot; making sure to fill her completely.

He's not going to last long. Not after the day they've had. Not after thinking, even if only for a few seconds, that she was lost to him forever. Not after thinking he'd never be here - inside of her ever again.

He wants her with him. Always, forever, right now. "Kate!"

She doesn't answer him. Not with words anyway, but one hand slips from beneath his and he can feel it - down there. He almost topples them both over when her knuckles skim each side of his length as he pushes back in. He's sloppy and all over the place and his thighs are shaking. Or maybe it's her thighs. Then she's biting down on his forearm and the mixture of pleasure and pain has him spurting into her over and over; seemingly never ending as her body sucks him dry with pulse after pulse of her orgasm.

Then everything is so hot. Her, him beneath her, the water still spraying down on them as they lay tangled up in the tub.

Somehow she manages to smack the nozzle with her foot and the water stops falling on them; starts to fill the tub from the faucet instead. That's good, because now they really need a bath.

"Thank you." She kisses whatever flesh she can find; his belly, his chest.

He raises his knees and she sort of slides up his body; everything so slippery between them. She rests her head on his shoulder. Waits for him to catch his breath.

"That was..." She can't really finish that sentence. It was so many things, but mind blowing just sounds so corny.

"New?" He finishes for her.

"What?" She can barely get it out because she's laughing. Still high on all the endorphins apparently.

"I mean... Because... You know..."

She keeps laughing, because yeah she knows. That's why she always insists on wearing a bra. Wouldn't want him to get a face full of breast milk every time she comes now would she?

"I'll never be able to watch you nurse the girls again without embarrassing my self, you know?


	24. Chapter 24

"How's she doing, Kiddo?"

"Better."

Kate smiles briefly as her mother-in-law gracefully takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch. She feels Martha's cool fingers pat the top of her foot, but Kate's eyes never leave the cherubic face of her youngest daughter. Erin is curled up in her arms with her chubby little hand gripping her mommy's thumb so tightly – even in deep slumber.

It's where she's been all day.

It's where she might be all night if Kate has her way.

"It's tough; the first time they get sick."

"Yeah," Kate runs her fingers through Erin's hair. It's damp from sweat and the curls cling to her fingers as they pass over the wispy tendrils. The baby's coughing has eased up a bit but her lungs still have some fluid in them. With the little one propped up against her chest, Kate can feel each raspy breath the baby takes. Her little eyes and nose are crusted with a seemingly endless amount of mucus.

Tough's an understatement. "It's heartbreaking."

"And you have two; will have to experience it all in duplicate."

"Don't remind me." Kate nudges a toe at Martha's knee, and the shift of her left leg jostles Elena who's been practically riding her thigh like a cowgirl. The happy baby rocks forward, bites at her mommy's sweatpants, then pushes herself back up with a squeal. Of course the momentum has her falling back and to the side. She winds up on her back, wedged between Kate's calf and the back of the couch. No big deal. Now she can easily play with the colorful sleeve of her grandmother's shirt.

"Just wait until they're hurt for the first time. You really start to doubt all your choices then."

Kate knows the signs, the telltale setup to a good story. Castle got it honestly. So she waits; lets Martha have her moment – her dramatic pause.

Elena must feel it coming too, because the baby flips over to her stomach, rises up on hands and knees. Kate folds her own leg; helps propel the girl up with a knee at her diapered backside. Once standing, Elena smacks her hands against the dark leather cushions, babbles proudly at herself before letting loose an ear-piercing screech of delight.

Yeah, she got it honestly too; her flair for the dramatic.

"Shush, Half-Pint." Rick scolds from the kitchen where he and Jim are preparing dinner; just a little family get together to celebrate Kate's birthday. "I know you're hungry. Daddy will come get you in a minute."

Thankfully Erin barely stirs.

"Richard was almost three. I'd taken him to see a production of Peter Pan. It was off Broadway - _way_ off actually." Martha's nose crinkles up in disgust. "Did you know it only ran for one season? Stopped the run so they could broadcast it on TV of all things." Kate shakes her head. She didn't know that. The things she learns from this family. "Didn't find its way back to the stage again till 1979."

Kate huffs along with her mother-in-law. Tries to mirror the indignation on Martha's face, but really…? Martha may have started - and seems to be ending - her career on the stage, but she did spend many a year working in both TV and Movies.

"Anyway." Martha shakes her head, waves her hands. "He was three, well two and a half really and totally enthralled with the whole production. He ran around our tiny apartment for days prattling on about pirates and flying. Oh Kate Darling, you should've heard that boy crow."

Kate barks out a laugh, "I'm pretty sure I've heard him crow once or twice."

"Hey now." Rick throws her a heated look as he reaches over the back of the couch to grab Elena. He leans in close, stage whispers in her ear. "What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom."

Kate really laughs at that, maybe even blushes a little, and Erin stirs in her arms. The baby whines, chokes on a particularly deep cough, but goes right back to sleep on Kate's shoulder; her face smashed against her mother's neck, her body hot and limp.

Rick drops a kiss to Erin's chapped cheek, then one to Kate's temple. "Dinner's almost ready. I'll feed this one a jar of something to keep her happy while we eat."

Kate watches him go back to the kitchen. He snaps Elena into a highchair, grabs a jar of baby food from the pantry, twists it open with a pop. All so mundane, yet somehow her heart beats faster; just from watching that man and their baby.

Man she's got it bad…

Martha clears her throat, gets Kate's attention again.

"Right. Peter Pan."

"So, he was fascinated. He wanted to do _everything_ Peter did."

"No?" Kate's starting to figure this one out.

"Yep, and I don't really know how it happened. I was in the bathroom or something, but…"

Kate cringes, hugs the baby in her arms a little tighter. "What did he jump off of?"

"The kitchen counter. I heard _'fi endy'_ and before I knew it he was flat out on the floor; blood pouring from his forehead."

Kate tries to picture him; a little blue-eyed boy, so full of imagination.

Martha too; young and so free-spirited.

"Six stitches it took to fix up that giant noggin of his. The nurse had to hold him down, he screamed for me the whole time."

"He's still a terrible patient."

"Broke my heart. I let him sleep in my bed for about a week after that." Martha folds her hands in her lap. "That was the first time I really regretted our..._ my_ situation." She pats Kate's foot again, then gets up to head toward the kitchen. "Of course, I didn't really have the luxury of staying home with him. And by the time I did he was too old to really need me anymore."

* * *

><p>"You want me to take her up to bed?"<p>

"No," Kate turns on her side, curls around Erin a little tighter. "She hasn't eaten very much today. I hope she'll wake up soon, at least nurse a little."

Rick climbs into bed, settles down on the other side of the baby. Watches her watching their daughter.

"Your dad seemed good."

"Yeah." Kate's birthday has always been hard on Jim, ever since…

"Hey Rick?" Kate reaches out, touches his forehead, scrapes her nail along that scar. Funny that she never asked him about it before.

"Hey back." He tips his head, kisses the thin skin on the inside of her wrist. She loves these moments with him. The quiet at the end of the day.

"Do you think it's about the money?"

"Huh? What…?"

She shakes her head "Just something Martha said."

"Now there's the problem, Kate. My mother is crazy. You can't listen to a thing she says. Especially about money."

"Stop," Kate shoves at his shoulder then drops her hand to fiddle with a snap on Erin's pajamas, "It's just... She said she didn't have the luxury of staying home with you when you were young."

"Ha! Luxury or desire."

Kate ignores him. She needs to get this out, she needs him to know. "I just don't want you to think it's about the money? It's not. Not anymore anyway. I don't work because I think I need to support myself."

And it sounds so dumb now that she's said it, and she can tell he seriously has no idea where she's going with this. She's not really sure she knows either at this point. Maybe she's just thinking out loud.

"Espo said it's just a job. It's noble and brave what we do, but in the end it's just a job. Just a paycheck."

"Okay?"

His hand is tight on her hip now, like he thinks he has to hold her down, keep her from running. And that says something too, doesn't it? Like maybe he thinks…

She climbs over the baby, pushes him onto his back, straddles his ribcage, kisses his face, his eyes, his cheeks, his lips.

"It's not a fallback either. You know that right?"

He's nodding his head, but it's too late, she saw it; that quick flash in his eyes.

And suddenly he's that little hurt boy crying for his mommy, that sad teenager at boarding school so lonely and depressed with only his writing to ease his pain, that suddenly single father left alone to raise a baby on his own.

Pater Pan, The boy who never grew up…

And if he can feel that way, even for a second…?

"I know, Kate." He pulls her down, holds her tight. "I know."


	25. Chapter 25

Castle bolts straight up in bed.

Heart thumping.

In a panic.

He doesn't need to check the clock; he can tell by the light effusing from the edges of the drawn curtains that it's late.

No surprise that Kate's not here, she usually leaves for work around seven, but no crying babies either? That's what worries him.

Most mornings Kate finishes nursing the twins around six-thirty, brings them down to the kitchen, straps them in their highchairs, then wakes him up. She showers for work while he feeds the girls some breakfast, usually rice cereal, but just last week they started introducing jarred food.

But today... It's after eight and it's quiet. Too quiet.

He kicks at the covers; struggles with the soft fabric of the sheets. They're wrapped around his ankles and he can't seem to get free. He practically falls out of the bed, torso first, catching himself with a stiff arm to the floor.

Once free, he searches the room for something to put on. He knows he went to bed clothed. Well, he had on a pair of boxers, at least – green, cotton, little fountain pens on them. Kate gave them to him as a joke…

Oh yeah… Kate? She got in late from work. She was wired, said she needed a workout to calm her down. She climbed in bed, and then she climbed him.

He turns back to the bed, throws back all the covers. He finds the boxers wadded up near the bottom of the mattress. Huh? So maybe it wasn't just the sheets that had his feet all tied up.

He grabs the underwear, hops around; still unsteady on his feet, catches a glimpse of the baby monitor just as he pulls the boxers up to his hips. He doesn't see any red lights, no green lights either; the thing's been turned off. He doesn't know how that happened. He knows it was on somewhere around four in the morning.

He remembers hearing Kate humming something to Erin, encouraging her back to sleep. The baby, almost one hundred percent better - save a runny nose, has had a little trouble getting back into her normal sleep pattern after spending a night on the couch with Jenny, and two in bed with her worried parents. She's woken up a couple of times the last few nights for no other reason than wanting some attention from her Mommy.

Ah yes, messed up sleep patterns.

That's what he tells himself as he rushes into the living room. His girls are sleeping in.

"Here comes the old man."

He hears Kate before he sees her. She's using her _'let's make fun of Daddy'_ voice. The one where she gets all animated - head nodding and eyebrows lifting. Erin and Elena think it's hilarious and usually crack-up laughing at her.

Of course, sometimes it feels like they're laughing at him.

But not this morning; neither one laughs. They're too busy gulping down spoonfuls of baby food. Kate's shoveling it into their awaiting mouths; first one then the other. She doesn't bother with two bowls or two spoons. They figure the girls are in constant contact so there's no way to keep them from swapping germs, anyway. Might as well make things easier on themselves. Dr. Glazier has advised against it; says that keeping their bottles and spoons separate will help minimize the chances of passing along viruses.

Although, Elena never even came down with so much as a sniffle the whole time Erin was sick.

"Hey?" His voice comes out rough. He hasn't used it since last night when Kate…

He shakes his head, clears his throat, and tries again. "Going in late today?"

If she is, it must be really late because she's still in her pajamas. Which for her consists of the tee-shirt he tossed on the floor when he fell into bed around nine o'clock last night after a long day home alone with the girls, over a pair of dainty skin-tight panties. Yes, there are some benefits of a house devoid of flamboyant actresses and impressionable college students. Not the least of which is that his hot wife struts around half-naked most of the time.

"No, I took the rest of the week off."

She says it so nonchalantly, and no he did not just trip over himself. It was the area rug. He's always catching his toe under the damn thing.

"What? But you said you feel better about taking Christmas week off if you work Thanksgiving. Please tell me you didn't trade…"

"No, still off then too. It'll be their first Christmas." She nods at the babies, shovels another spoonful of food into Erin's gaping mouth. "I wouldn't miss that for anything."

He can tell there's something more too it, but he doesn't push her. He's learned that about her - don't push, she gets there faster that way.

"Morning sweet baby girl."

He leans over the back of a highchair, gives Elena a series of loud smacking kisses to the cheek. The happy baby squeals, reaches up to grab at his face. She manages to get a finger up his nose, but he pokes at her underarm and she quickly drops it; squishes his fingers for a second, then gets totally distracted by the spoon of green goo Kate waves in her face.

He rounds the side of the other highchair, manages to squeeze himself into the small space between it and Kate's knees. He squats down in front of Erin; an approach from behind so early in the morning would only make her cranky and sullen. She likes to see who's coming up on her; no surprises, just like Kate.

So he catches her eye, "Morning gorgeous," then waits for it. That slow-forming smile that cracks open her whole beautiful face. Her eyes light up, her chubby hand lifts from the white plastic tray to his lips. He gives her warm palm a little peck, swipes at the moisture on her face with his thumb, before giving her a soft kiss on the lips; her little fingers curling at his ear.

Elena may be the cuddlier of the two babies – willing to let anybody love on her all day long, but Erin is more touchy-feely, and only with him and Kate – lately mostly Kate. He does somehow manage to get it out of her in the mornings though, when she's still pliant from a good night sleep and having recently left the comfort of Kate's breast.

And, he takes it whenever he can get it.

Kate watches him _'make love'_ to his babies. He doesn't like it when she says it like that. Something about it making him feel dirty. But she doesn't know any other way to describe it; the way he knows his children as individuals, then acts and does accordingly. How he devotes his every moment, not only to their well-being, but to their happiness.

The way he loves her the same way.

Kate places the bowl and spoon, both practically licked clean by her ravenous children, on the bar. She leans forward, places her cheek at his back, his scapula shifts slightly at her touch.

He's warm and smells like sleep and sweat. It's how he smells now. Where before he smelled of soap, and cologne, and the slight hint of fabric softener. Now it's baby wipes, and diaper cream, pureed carrots.

That's partly why she took the rest of the week off. Not that she care's how he smells, because let's face it, somehow the smell of soured breast milk that emits from most of his shirts these days can totally turn her on. But because he spent much of the last two nights tossing and turning, mumbling something about Nikki Heat, and edits, and Gina. The latter of which, she barely likes to hear coming out of his mouth when he's awake, much less when he's asleep – in their bed.

So, she stumbled to his study somewhere between three and four to check his laptop. He's late with chapters, he has edits waiting to be done, Gina wants him at some fundraising event this Saturday.

And he hasn't said a word.

Erin finally lets him go, babbles something at him as he turns away from her.

His lips meet the top of Kate's head for a quick kiss, then he's up, surveying the kitchen for something to clean his hand with. With a shrug of his shoulders he wipes his sticky thumb near the hem of his boxers.

Kate tosses the wet wash cloth she was going to use to wipe down the girls at him. "Yuck, that explains why all your shirts have some sort of crust all over them."

"Well, I didn't want a mouthful of snot and pureed peas. Not before breakfast, at least." He grabs the empty jar from the sink. "Oh, sorry - green beans. Explain to me again why we can't feed them the good stuff like bananas and peaches and applesauce."

Kate can't help but laugh at him. The way he tries to get the babies on his side with that goofy voice, his lips all crazy-shaped as he talks. Ah, crap. It seems to work too, because the girls are both laughing at him. Elena pounds on her tray as if she's demanding some Gerber Hawaiian Delight. She can't really blame the kid. It really is good. Rick bought a four pack of the stuff, but she won't let the girls have any sweets yet. So, the tropical mix made it into Kate's purse, then to her desk at the Twelfth.

Castle's always telling her she needs to eat more.

"Dr. Glazier says to make sure they like all the veggies first. You introduce them to the sweets first and they'll never touch the rest. And we've broken enough of our Pediatrician's rules already don't' you think?"

He nods in agreement. Doesn't mean he won't try to sneak them some pears or plums before they've gotten through the rest of the veggies though. She knows him, too well.

"So, what's up Kate?"

Yeah, she knows him so well, that she can see it. He's happy she's here, but he's curious about _why. _Worried about why.

And she can't very well tell him it's because somewhere between wanting to shoot him for mumbling his ex-wife's name in his sleep, and then reading his emails – which she never does because she thinks it's a violation of his privacy, but he doesn't care because _'what's his is hers'_ – and then having to rock their youngest back to sleep because he was so tired he didn't even hear her screams through the monitor, that she just now realized how selfish she's been.

Or that she's been so caught up in not letting motherhood affect her job or maybe it's the other way around, and trying to figure out who _she_ would be if she chose not to be a cop anymore, that she completely forgot about him.

About his job.

About how fatherhood the second time around has affected _him_. How it has already affected his job.

No, she can't tell him any of that.

So she hops off the barstool, "The plan is for Mommy and her girls to leave Daddy here to work, or rest, or both."

The fact that he doesn't whine or try to argue about going with them tells her a lot; worries her even more. She takes the jar out of his hand, tosses it back in the sink.

"So go, take care of that, it can't be comfortable," She points at him, "and let me fix us some breakfast."

He's not sure what's she's pointing at. His eyes follow the direction of her finger. There's nothing on his chest. He looks lower. Oh, yeah that. He smiles, looks back up at her, waggles his eyebrows.

"It's morning, Kate."

"Morning? That's what you're going with here, Castle?"

There's no waggle with her, just the lift of one very well-manicured eyebrow. Which naturally causes the lift of something else. He swallows hard, tries not to embarrass himself.

"No, not morning, Kate. It's you, definitely you that has me _uncomfortable_."

She stalks toward him, and damn it's the sexiest thing he's ever seen. His dirty tee shirt, her dirty mind.

She stops mere inches in front of him. Her hands skim across his chest, down his stomach, then around to his back. She fiddles with the elastic at his waist, and then lower.

And seriously are they going to do this here? In front of the babies? He might be okay with that.

Her breath is hot at his cheek, she's going to say something, and whatever it is will probably send him right over the edge.

Then suddenly her cold wet hand slaps his ass through the open fly of his shorts.

"They're on backwards Castle."


	26. Chapter 26

**No, I did not die… **

**Writer's block is a b****... ****Wish I had a muse like Kate Beckett. **

**You may need to read the last chapter to refresh your memory.**

* * *

><p>He needs to get up. He needs to get up and take his family home; tuck his daughters in and put his wife to bed.<p>

But he can't.

It's just been too good.

All of it; the whole long holiday weekend they've had together.

Family breakfasts with Kate in her pajamas instead of dressed and rushing off to a crime scene. Mornings spent writing in his study while listening to her voice through the baby monitor as she talked to his babies; as they laughed at their mommy. Afternoons filled with Kate's stories of a whole day spent with her girls - She took them for walks in the Central Park, baby swimming lessons at the club, story-time at the New York Public Library, and out to West Chester to have lunch with their Grandpa Jim.

And even this moment; with Kate heavy and warm in his lap, her arm draped across his shoulders, her fingers absentmindedly playing with his hair, caressing his ear, his neck, his cheek.

It's all just been so good. He doesn't want it to end. Selfish of him, maybe, but it's what he wants; Kate with him, with his children, happy, safe. Always.

"Castle?"

He startles a little when she calls his name, tweaks his ear. She's smirking at him; one eyebrow raised and her lips in a tight line but still curled up at the edges. She caught him daydreaming, but he doesn't care. Because she's the stuff his dreams are made of; waking or sleeping. So hell yeah, he was dreaming?

"Ryan asked you a question."

He looks across the Ryan's living room. Both Jenny and Kevin look expectant. He inwardly chuckles at his own word choice, because that's why they're here after all; to celebrate the good news. Jenny's expecting and thrilled about it. Ryan is just as excited but also a little bit freaked out by the whole prospect. So Jenny invited them over to help ease his mind.

And of course there's nothing better than spending the day with two wild, squirmy, loud, adorable almost six-month olds to do just that.

He thinks Jenny may just be a masochist.

"Sorry, what?"

"What was it like?" Ryan looks sheepish as he asks. "You know? _It_..?"

Castle follows the anxious man's eyes to the baby in Jenny's arms. Elena's head is thrown back with her mouth hanging open, totally oblivious to the goings-on around her as she sleeps with abandon. The girl is passed out at seven o'clock on a Sunday evening; completely worn out, off her schedule.

Her younger sister is in the same predicament; one minute Erin was _riding the horsy_, and the next she's on her belly, stretched out along Kate's thigh, sound asleep with her cheek at her mother's knee, arms and legs dangling like a cat asleep up a tree.

Their hands are filthy, the knees on their little baby jeans look almost worn through; both side-effects of their most recently developed skill – crawling. They're still sloppy at it, and it sometimes looks more like bodysurfing than crawling, but they sure do get around.

They both spent most of the day creeping around after Ryan's dog.

Erin would follow the beagle just so she could sit and watch it. Amazed by this mysterious furry creature that didn't tower over her like her parents, and that walked on all fours just like her.

Elena however, was right in the thick of it. She tumbled into the dog bed and tried to take a nap with the pup, she pulled the poor dog's tail more times than he can count, and Castle even caught her trying to drink out of the dog bowl.

He gagged a little. Kate thought it was hilarious.

He may have to get them a dog now too. Anything that makes Kate laugh like that would be well worth the trouble.

"Yeah Castle? What was _it _like?"

Kate's voice sounds teasing, but he can still see it. The way she really wants to know. And he finds that interesting, because hasn't he ever said? Hasn't he ever told her just how magnificent the whole experience was? Haven't they decided to do it again?

Huh? If not he really needs to get this right then. He reaches out, runs his fingers through Erin's downy-soft hair while he searches for the words to describe what it was like to watch his little ones make their way into this world.

"It was the most spectacular thing I've ever witnessed."

He feels Kate's hand tighten at his neck, her nose nuzzling against his temple, and suddenly he can't go there. He can't even begin to articulate the miracle of it, the almost spiritual-like connection he felt with his wife as she brought life into the world.

It's not for him to share, not with anyone but Kate anyway.

So he does what he does best...

"Don't get me wrong. It was also disgusting. At times - horrifying even."

"Hey!" Kate digs her nails into his neck.

"But…" He shrugs his shoulders in defense, rubs soothing circles across Erin's back, which also seems to sooth Kate. "In that moment… My forever changed."

* * *

><p>He'd been writing when she came down from putting the babies to bed. Inspiration must have hit him pretty quickly; he'd been dressed, his shoes still on, his wet sleeves - from giving the girls their baths - bunched up messily around his elbows.<p>

Not wanting to disturb him, she'd just tugged the shoes off of his feet, slipped into bed, and said a silent goodnight with a kiss to his shoulder.

His fingers never faltered as they flew across the keyboard and the familiar rhythm lulled her right to sleep.

He was still at it when she'd roused around midnight and then again an hour later with an upset stomach. He'd not so much as lifted his head either time.

So it surprises her that he's not in the bed when she comes back from her second trip to the bathroom. His laptop is haphazardly tossed near the foot of the bed, his bedside lamp still on.

Kate can hear Elena's babbling from the monitor on Castle's nightstand. The baby isn't fussing per se, but it's not her regular happy-go-lucky chattering either. Her husband must have recognized the signs and decided to thwart a potential meltdown.

She hears his voice, soft and low. Unlike her sister, Erin must be asleep and he's trying not to wake her.

"_Oh no Baby Girl, that's not gonna fly." _

Elena must be standing up in the bed; something she and Erin both mastered recently, forcing Castle to lower the mattresses so they don't fall out.

The crib mattress crinkles and the sheets rustle beneath her daughter's body. He's making her lay down, patting her on the back. There's no holding or cuddling allowed after bedtime anymore. It's Kate's rule and he hates it, and it breaks her heart that it breaks his, but…

They already have a routine that takes up so much time in the evening; a bath then a book with Daddy followed by nursing and rocking with Mommy - done one at a time so the twins both get individual time with each parent. If they were to then pick each girl up to cuddle her or rock her every time she fussed a little, then Mommy and Daddy would never get any individual time with each other.

And Daddy really likes his individual time with Mommy. So he follows her rule.

"_I know, but you got me instead. Mommy has a tummy ache. Now hush."_

Kate slides into his side of the bed and listens as he continues to shush their whiny daughter. He cracks a couple jokes that have her chuckling into his pillow, the smell of him filling her senses. When he sings Elena some lyrics about _two drifters_ and _Huckleberry friends, _the timbre of his voice sets Kate's body alight, and when finally she hears him whisper.

"_Goodnight My Love."_

The arousal hits her so fast and sharp, that she shivers with it.

Suddenly Mommy really wants some of that individual Daddy time, too.

He doesn't say anything when he comes back to the room. He picks up the computer, tosses it on a nearby chair. The lights go next. Then he's in the bed; a hard wall at her back. His hand splayed low across her stomach, the warmth and slight pressure soothes away any residual ache she may have had. Kate's back arches involuntarily as he slips his leg between her thighs.

"Feeling better?"

"Didn't think you'd noticed."

"Notice everything about you, Kate. You know that." He flicks his thumb over her belly button, and her insides swirl in response.

"Like what?"

"Like how happy you've been lately."

Of course she's happy. He makes her happy. Their daughters make her happy. This life they've carved out together makes her happy.

"Nothing new here, Castle."

"If you say so, Love."

The comment surprises her. She lifts her head, sees he's got his propped up on his elbow. He's watching her, and damn, it's like he can read her mind. Like he already knows what she just realized herself. That when she thinks about all the things she _really needs_ to make her happy, her job barely makes list anymore.

She slides her hand over his, lets her fingers fill the spaces between his, and urges them lower.

"Why don't you shut up and do something to earn that smug look on your face?"

* * *

><p><strong>Don't worry, I know where this is going and now I know how it's getting there...<strong>


	27. Chapter 27

**Kind of a transition chapter, next one is almost written, will be up within the next couple of days**

* * *

><p>"Are you sure this is what you want, Detective?"<p>

Kate stops in the doorway; looks back at the Captain with a curt nod. "Yes Sir."

"Then I'll make some calls."

Kate doesn't even see him; just slams into the wall of his chest as she pulls Gates' door shut.

Castle steadies her with his hands at her elbows; laughs at the unladylike humph sound the collision forces out of her mouth.

His Kate, usually so elegant…

"Castle!" She shakes him off, elbows her way past him.

Hmm, his Kate, usually so happy to see him…?

He tries not to take it personally. This is her place of employment; she's always been protective of that, even when he worked here. Or played here; depending on who you ask.

He follows her to her desk, his fingertips at the small of her back, because he can't help but claim her even when she doesn't want to be claimed.

Then he remembers what he just heard, "You're sure _what's_ what you want?"

She doesn't look at him, just rearranges some paperwork, opens a drawer, slams it shut, and then plops down in her chair.

"What were you just talking to Gates about?"

"Nothing Castle… Just…" She lets out a sigh of exasperation, and he's not really sure of it's directed at him, or at Gates, or… "What are you doing here anyway?"

Yeah, well that kinda stings. "Umm, we have dinner plans, remember? Just you and me. Alexis has the girls."

He's been planning it for weeks. Early dinner at Le Barnardin, a show; he reserved tickets to both The Lion King and Rock of Ages - figured he'd let her choose, and maybe some Christmas Shopping afterwards if it isn't too late.

Kate drops her head into her hands, scrapes her fingers through her hair, she looks up at him with apologetic eyes. "Sorry, it's been one of those days." She glances at her father's watch. "Can you give me ten minutes?"

He nods, takes a seat in his chair. He hasn't sat in it for months. He's a little surprised it's still here. It makes him proud though – his place marked somehow. It also aches – a reminder that Kate, once again, goes it alone.

She fills out some paperwork; takes a couple of phone calls, answers a few emails. She's focused and deliberate; she's trying… for him.

So he doesn't dare distract her.

He just watches.

That's when he notices the dark circles under her eyes, the lack of color in her cheeks, the slight slump of her shoulders.

She's been working long days since her week off at Thanksgiving, and now with only a few weeks left until Christmas vacation, Kate feels like she needs to make up for all the time off.

She has to be exhausted, she probably needs some sleep, and maybe some snuggle time with Erin and Elena.

Yeah, now he feels like an idiot.

* * *

><p>Kate licks the last drops of greasy goodness from her fingertips. She may have even hummed in contentment with those last few bites, but it couldn't be helped. Grilled cheese with bacon - too good.<p>

If she wasn't already in the process of weaning the babies, she'd consider eating another one, but as it is she's already put on five pound since deciding to only breastfeed twice a day; morning and night.

"I can't believe you brought me to the Comfort Food Truck."

Kate wipes a glob of ketchup off her husband's tie then shoves her trash into the plastic bag on his lap. She tugs her sleeves back down over her fingers, shrugs her shoulders so the collar of her coat can block a little more of the wintery air, then tucks herself between Castle's warm body and the cold slats of the park bench.

She feels more than hears his soft chuckle, digs her chin into his shoulder blade in response.

"I mean, with all the going-on you've been doing about tonight, I figured you'd have a table booked at the most exclusive five-star restaurant in town. I expected fancy food, expensive wine... something special?"

"Kate," he flexes his arm; squeezing her hand where she's wrapped it around his bicep for warmth. "Just being with you is all the special I need. Plus, I figured you..." He stiffens, she feels him move, but she holds on tight, keeps him where he is; blocking the chill - protecting her.

"No Castle, you figured right. I don't need fancy either. All I need is you."

And she means it.

* * *

><p>Kate sits quietly; waits anxiously for her name to be called.<p>

She arrived about ten minutes early for her scheduled appointment. Surprising since Elena decided to christen her new blouse with vomit this morning. Kate hadn't had time to change, just wiped it off the best she could and prayed her suit jacket would cover the evidence.

The uptown office isn't at all what she'd expected. It's not all dark wood and leather chairs. Everything is modern and sleek. The December sun shines brightly through the floor to ceiling windows.

The view of Central Park from this height is amazing.

She can picture herself here.

She was surprised when she got the call. She hadn't expected things to move this quickly, but apparently Captain Victoria Gates has some pull around here. And that's good, because Kate needs this to be fast.

So she can't change her mind.

So she doesn't let them down.

"Detective Beckett?"

Here goes nothing…


	28. Chapter 28

**This chapter refers both to something that happened in **_**To Make you Feel My Love**_** and something else mentioned in **_**Two Hearts**_**. **

* * *

><p>"It was very nice meeting you, Detective Beckett."<p>

"Likewise, thank you both for your time."

Kate stands, shakes hands with the two gentlemen, and then moves to gather her belongings as both men make their way across the large conference room.

The meeting had gone better than Kate anticipated. They'd asked her all the predictable questions; her education, her experience, why she would consider making a change considering her exemplary record and her stellar closure rate at the Twelfth. Of course the answer to that last one led to questions about her personal life; about Castle and the girls – even a few about Nikki Heat.

Seems everyone's a fan.

Kate lifts her trench coat from the adjacent chair, rifles through the pocket looking for her cell. She'd heard it go off at least five times during the interview. Thankfully the vibration was too subtle for anyone but herself to hear in the large room. Needless to say she'd been here longer than she'd expected and the boys are probably looking for her. She glances at her watch as she grabs the phone - yeah, like two hours longer.

She swipes the screen, sees seven missed calls and a text.

All from Castle.

Okay, so that's not normal. She checks the time again, because rarely does he call her before lunch. Maybe a text or two if the girls do something out of the ordinary, or maybe to let her know if his plans have changed for the day; he likes to keep her in the loop.

But this; seven calls before eleven fifteen?

Her heart picks up its pace as the panic sets it. She taps the screen to get the text, but a soft knock has her lifting her eyes to the door.

The same receptionist that had escorted her in earlier calls out, "Detective Beckett, there is a Detective Es…"

"Beckett!"

Esposito doesn't even give the young woman a chance to finish. He's pushing in through the door, his hand outstretched with his cell phone in it. She can see the anxiety rolling off of him in waves. He looks worried, and a little pissed.

"Dammit Beckett! Why aren't you answering your phone?"

And that's when she sees it; the text from her husband. Just one word; one terrible horrifying heart-stopping word.

_Seizure! _

* * *

><p>"Dammit Esposito!" Kate already has the car door open, but he won't stop the damn car.<p>

"Shit, Beckett!"

He slams on the brakes, fishtails on the icy pavement, but Kate doesn't care. She's already out of the cruiser and halfway to the hospital entrance by the time the vehicle comes to a stop.

Unfortunately Kate's been to this hospital enough to know exactly where the Emergency Room is located. So she flashes her badge as she runs past the front desk, which thankfully silences the elderly volunteer seated just behind it.

She takes the hallway to her left, sprints full-out down the long corridor, somehow managing to avoid myriad of patients and medical staff as she weaves in and out amongst them.

She's having trouble catching her breath as she sprints; the jarring effect of her heels pounding into the linoleum with each step isn't helping. She can't get a rhythm, can't get her lungs and legs and heart to cooperate.

This isn't the first time she's found herself in this position; trying desperately to get to her husband and a sick child. But unlike before, with Alexis and her appendix, this time she wasn't even home, she doesn't even know what happened. She only knows someone had a seizure, or multiple seizures, and _oh god_ she doesn't even know which one.

Erin?

Elena?

Both?

No, this isn't the first time she's found herself in this position, but this time, with the _not knowing_? It's _so_ much worse.

Kate barrels through the swinging double doors and into the ER waiting area. It's only about half filled. She scans the scattered seating for a familiar face even as she heads for the desk.

Then she hears it, her body reacting instinctively even before her mind fully registers the sound.

She'd know her daughter's cry anywhere.

"Erin?"

And in that moment she knows. If Erin is out here then that means Elena, her happy-go-lucky, full-of-joy, quick-with-a-smile little girl isn't. And the pain of that - the pain of _knowing_ is pure agony.

She rounds the corner into a small children's play area, sees a portly woman, probably in her forties, with a hospital badge of some sort clipped to her blazer, and a screaming baby in her arms.

Erin is shrieking at the top of her lungs. It's a pitiful sound and Kate has to choke back her own tears. The baby's back is arched, her head thrown back, her hands pressing against the woman's face and neck, as she tries her hardest to get away from the stranger holding on to her.

Kate calls out to her daughter, stumbles over a toddler playing trains on the multi-colored carpet, barks out an apology to whichever parent he may belong to, then calls to her little one again.

Erin must hear her because her little dark head lifts, she stops fighting the woman enough to look around. When the baby finally sees her mother, she lunges - arms out-stretched.

The woman suddenly goes from trying to comfort the baby to just hoping to keep hold of her. She doesn't even hesitate to hand the baby over even as Kate grabs for her. Kate has to assume Castle described her to the staff or maybe Erin's reaction was enough to erase any doubt as to who Kate is.

She hugs her hysterical baby close, presses repeated kisses to Erin's sweaty head and cheeks, rubs soothing circles over her back.

"Hush, Sweet Girl. Mommy's here. It's okay. No reason to be scared anymore."

Kate abandons the crowded play area for some open space, bounces and shushes the baby while she paces, tries to calm both herself and her youngest child.

The woman follows.

The frightened infant begins to relax. Her screams settle down to more of a whimper, she snuffles a couple of times, and then finally starts chanting _da-da-da-da_ softly against her mother's neck. Her little voice sounds hoarse from overuse.

"I know, Baby, I want Daddy too."

She wants Elena more.

She needs to get to her sick baby, but she has to keep it together until she's sure Erin is okay and cared for first. Her heart is being torn in two, and her poor sweet husband, he had to make the choice knowing Erin would have no one.

Castle had no one, and she didn't answer her phone.

"Where is your Tio?" Kate grits out.

Erin's lifts her head at that. Her face is stained with tears; fat droplets still sit on her lashes ready to fall with her very next blink. She's wearing her snow suit, but it's only zipped up to her waist. Kate awkwardly pulls it off one-handedly, and is surprised to see she's only wearing a onsie, and even that is unsnapped.

Castle must've been in the middle of getting them dressed when it happened.

"Mrs. Castle?" Kate startles; she forgot the woman was there. "I'm Miss Overton, a social worker here at the hospital."

"Katherine!"

"Oh, thank god." Kate shoves past the social worker and runs into to her mother-in-law's arms. "Martha?" She's trying to keep it together, but now that someone is here for Erin…

"I know, Darling." Martha pulls back, takes Erin from her arms. "Richard called me. I stopped by the loft and grabbed clothes, the diaper bag, and bottles. I called your father." She pats Kate's hand. "Go on. I've got this one."

Kate turns in a daze, finds Miss Overton still there waiting on her.

"Just take me to my baby."


	29. Chapter 29

A woman behind the desk buzzes them in. Kate vaguely hears somebody mention something about the number _twenty-one_.

The corridor is long and cold; flanked by curtains every ten feet or so. Some closed with light spilling from behind, some pulled back; the spaces empty and dark. She notices large white placards with bold black digits above each cubicle.

She's at number _ten_ when she figures it out.

Kate scans ahead; finds it just passed the bustling nurses' station to the right – the _two_ and the _one _blurred through her teary eyes. It has a curtain; drawn just like many of the others, but it's also behind glass – floor to ceiling. Dim light casts elongated shadows across the pale linoleum below.

A wave of nausea hits her as she approaches; she barely manages to swallow down the bile that threatens at the back of her throat. She can't even speak when the glass door silently slides open. A man, too young to be a Doctor she thinks; turns away, walks in the other direction.

"Do you…"

"No!" She manages a hoarse bark at the Social Worker then closes her eyes to stop the spinning, takes in a quick breath. She knows the woman is just doing her job. Kate has done the same too many times; offering to stay… But Kate doesn't need that, doesn't want that. "I'm sorry. I'll be fine. Thank you."

The woman softens; smiles at her in understanding. Maybe in sympathy too, then leaves her to it.

Kate crosses the threshold. The room is dark, but not so dark that Kate can't see.

Elena is on her back, in nothing but her diaper, arms out to her sides. She has her eyes closed, her bow-shaped lips slightly open as she sleeps. She looks so peaceful. Not unlike so many nights when Kate gets home late, sneaks into that beautiful fairytale nursery to say a silent goodnight to her precious daughters.

But this is different. This isn't home. Elena isn't safe in her crib.

Instead, she's on a long gurney style bed with its expanse of white sheet making her look so tiny. One little arm wrapped in gauze and green medical tape, a clear tube extends past her chubby fist, hangs there waiting. She's pale; sallow even. With no hint of her normal creamy complexion - the olive undertones like Kate's own. Grey circles under her eyes accentuated by her long dark lashes.

"Castle?" Kate calls out for him on a sob.

His head snaps up from where it had been hanging in his hands. He stumbles up from the plastic chair. It scrapes along the floor with a harsh screech. He's at her back the instant she reaches the bed. His hands working at the railing of the gurney, trying to lower it so she can get to her baby; the hard metal digging into her hipbones as she leans over it. Finally it descends. Kate's body drops to the bed, elbows jarring into the firm mattress.

Her hands hover; fingers flex then fist.

She doesn't know if she can touch? Where?

"Just asleep, Kate."

Castle's shaky hands are on her hips tugging her up, encouraging her to sit. His voice is rough yet still somehow weak.

"She's sleeping it off. Woke up briefly after…"

He doesn't finish that sentence, just scoops Elena up; she doesn't stir. Kate notices, finally, that the baby isn't hooked to any machines, there are no IV's attached to the tube in her hand.

She's just here.

Asleep.

Alive.

Her husband gently places their daughter in her arms. Not for the first time, and thank God, not for the last.

"She didn't even make a peep when they drew blood, slept right through the EEG. So brave; our little girl. Just like her Mommy."

* * *

><p>Elena stirs in Kate's arms.<p>

Her eyes, still cloudy, blink slowly a couple of times as she tries to focus; fights with heavy lids that want to close right back up. She must finally get a glimpse of Kate, because her bottom lip puffs out, quivers, and then his baby cries. Soft, low-pitched sobs. Nothing he's ever heard from her before - from her twin sister maybe, but not Elena; not his always-happy little baby girl.

It breaks his heart.

Even though Dr. Glazier just told them Elena's EEG is normal, that she doesn't show signs of having experienced any more than the one seizure, that with Kate's family history this will most likely prove to be a onetime thing, that seizures are common enough in infants anyway, and that they can take her home as soon as she wakes up; maybe eats a little.

With all of that, he's still heartbroken. That she had to suffer through even one.

Castle watches his daughter closely. His stomach twisted in knots at the memories; at the fear that it may happen again.

Elena reaches up for Kate, who cuddles her closer, kisses her forehead and her cheeks and even her lips. His daughter cries into his wife's neck, fists her dimpled fingers into a swath of Kate's hair. She's a little uncoordinated; sluggish even, but the doctor said that's normal. That she's going to be lethargic and cranky and maybe a little sore for a couple of days, but she's okay.

Yeah, there goes his heart again.

"Shhh Baby Girl, Momma's here," he hears Kate whisper in Elena's ear, "you hungry?"

Elena snuffles against Kate's clavicle, sucks loudly on that sharp angle of bone he knows so well; her way of pacifying herself while her mother gets situated, scoots back on the bed, unbuttons her blazer and blouse one-handed.

Elena struggles with it; over-stimulated, over-tired. She roots around like she did when she was a newborn still relying more on smell than on sight to find Kate's breast. But she finally latches on, hums in contentment, sucks greedily for a few seconds, then slows to a normal pace; maybe even slower as her eyes fall shut again.

It floors him every time. The bond Kate shares with Elena and Erin. The way she just has to show up and all is right with their world.

It even makes him jealous sometimes. The way they reach for her whenever she comes into a room. The way their faces shine with it; the love they have for Mommy.

But right now, after today, it mostly makes him feel completely impotent.

* * *

><p><strong>I am terrible at updating. Why you guys put up with me, I don't know…?<strong>

**I am also terrible at responding to reviews, but I do appreciate them all. Thank you.**

**I do try to answer any questions thrown my way, but I had a couple asked by 'Guests' after the last chapter, and I don't know any other way to respond.**

**Davis: June 24****th**

**Cantrose: Vague TMYFML reference: Alexis' Appendicitis – Two Hearts reference: Kate also having seizures; kind of expounded on in this chapter. **


	30. Chapter 30

The ride home is uncomfortable to say the least.

The three of them, well five when you count the babies, all stuffed into a taxi.

Esposito went back to the precinct once he knew Elena was okay, their SUV is still at the loft, and Castle refuses to subject Elena to the New York subway in rush hour - no way.

He'd suggested calling for a Towne Car, but it's not like he knows the number off the top of his head. His phone and wallet are still at home; he hadn't had the where-with-all to grab either of them before jumping onto the gurney with Elena.

So, a taxi it is.

Unfortunately it's one of the filthiest cabs he has ever been in, and as a life-long New Yorker, he's been in a lot. But he tries not to think about it, or about the dangers of the girls riding without car seats.

He just can't right now, not after…

He's in the middle, wedged between his wife and his mother. Martha at his right being... Well, being Martha. Kate is eerily silent at his left; Elena sound asleep in her arms.

"No-no, Baby," he grips Erin's thighs tighter trying to keep her in his lap, "yucky." The baby just wiggles under the pressure, plunges forward again to slap slobbery hands against the fiberglass barrier between them and the taxi-driver. Her fingers are heading back to her mouth before he can stop her. "Erin!" He turns her in his lap, lets her stand on his thighs, wet fingers landing on his face. "Daddy said no!" It comes out sharper than he intended, but he has no patience right now; he feels rubbed raw. Erin doesn't seem to mind, though. In fact she just babbles incoherently at him while she leans over to grab at her grandmother. "Uh-uh!"

"It's fine, Richard." Martha takes Erin from him, "Here you go, little one." She holds her necklace up in offering; it's pink and rubbery; nothing she can choke on, thankfully.

Castle watches their little game; probably something his mother and daughter came up with during their hours spent in the ER waiting room. Martha shakes the bright bauble at Erin, who stills in concentration, waits for the exact right moment to lunge for it. Martha doesn't give in so easily, makes her granddaughter work for it. On her third attempt his daughter snags her prize, greedily pulling it to her mouth with a squeal, stretches up on her tiptoes, her back arching in sheer delight.

Something loosens in his chest, relief maybe?

Relief that somehow his littlest girl remains untouched by the darkness.

Relief that he hasn't completely failed as a parent.

* * *

><p>They both shuffle through the door. Kate's exhausted, rung-out. All she wants to do is crawl in that giant bed with her family - let herself be lulled to sleep by the soft sounds of their breathing.<p>

All of them – safe - together.

That's all she wants, all she can even think of.

Kate's halfway to their bedroom before she realizes he's not behind her. "Castle?"

"I'm just gonna…" He makes a gesture towards the kitchen, or maybe the living room. She's too emotionally wiped out to even tell. "I'm sure you're hungry. The girls haven't had lunch. This mess…"

Kate watches him flounder around; his movement jerky, rattling on but not making sense, or making excuses? Because he has to know that there is no way she can eat right now, and it's obvious by the myriad stains on Erin's onsie, and snowsuit, that Martha fed her something. And Elena? It may be awhile before she's even awake enough to nurse again, much less eat something more solid.

"Castle?"

It's like he doesn't even hear her. He's bent over picking up toys; tossing them into the pack-n-play they keep in the living room to corral the twins. Erin must think it's some sort of game; laughing every time he dips down until he stumbles hard over something and her eyes go wide, her hands fist in his t-shirt, she startles when his knee hits the hardwood with a loud crack.

"Rick?"

He looks up at her; the fear so bright in his eyes. His jaw works like he's trying to say something or maybe he's just gulping for air. Kate sees the mess at his feet; the vomit stained blanket Elena must have been playing on, some trash discarded by the paramedics, her husband's other slipper – he's been in his pajamas, one foot in a sock foot, the other in a slipper all day. "She…"

"Shhh, Baby."

Kate's fingers cover his mouth, slide down his neck to his arm. She tugs him up. It's tough; both of them with only one free hand to work with. He's shaking so hard she wouldn't be surprised to hear his teeth chattering.

"I got you." She steers him in the direction of their bedroom.

* * *

><p>Their bedroom is warm, despite the frigid temperature beyond the windows. The sun has long ago set, and snow falls; coating the city in peaceful softness.<p>

Castle hasn't spoken since the living room. He wordlessly helped her get the twins cleaned up and tucked in before stripping down to his boxers to climb in next to them. He watched with hollow eyes as she did the same.

The babies continue to sleep; side-by-side in their parent's bed; Mommy and Daddy watching over them.

There's such an intimacy to it; the four of them, their little family, huddled together. Not needing anything but each other. Kate is hesitant to interrupt it.

But…

He's been silent too long. She needs to get him talking. Castle isn't like her; he can't get past it by burying it deep and building walls around it. He has to let it out, put words to it.

"You need to sleep."

"Can't close my eyes."

Kate threads her fingers through his hair, thumbs at the worry lines between his eyes. He rolls to his back, rests his head on her chest. She kisses his temple, breathes him in. He smells musky and a little sour, probably from all the adrenalin. Elena smelled the same when Kate held her in the hospital; familiar yet somehow wrong.

"We're not going anywhere."

"Not sure I can believe that right now, Kate." He doesn't turn back to his side, but his hand reaches out blindly, settles at Elena's head. She watches him finger a piece of her hair.

"You want to talk about it?"

He shakes his head, his skull knocks into her chin, so she wraps her arms around him; holds him still. Her lips pressed to the stubble on his cheek.

"Can I talk about it?"

"Kate." He looks at her with such pleading in his eyes, but he doesn't say no, so she forges on.

"You are the most amazing father to our girls. I don't tell you that enough."

"Kate, you…" He tries to protest. Kate presses her fingers to his lips; shushes him.

"I was scared shitless, Castle. The drive was never-ending, the hallways all so long. It felt like I would never get to her." She kisses his temple again, skims her lips over his warm skin. "When I finally saw her, and she was so…"

"Unconscious?" He almost laughs with it.

"Safe." She says it on a sob. "You're my safe place. You're my daughters' safe place. I love you so much for that."

He rolls on to his side, buries his face in her neck. She can feel the tears spilling from his eyes. His body shakes in her arms. She holds him while he cries it out.

He lets it all go.

* * *

><p><strong>Only a few more chapters to go on this one. I will be sad to see this story end. Of course with as terrible at posting as I am, the end may not be soon.<strong>

**I must confess - I know how I'm going to end this story. I've known since the beginning. It's the getting there that's been hard.**


	31. Chapter 31

I'm so sorry for the delay in updating this story. Originally I knew there would be a little gap in time but it was to be just temporary; I loaned my tablet out, then time stretched into the holidays, and then it was spring time, and now the pool calls to me mist weekends. Anyway I plan on purchasing a laptop soon because I never got my tablet back and currently only have my phone. Except for the 8 hours a day I spend staring at a screen at work. I plan on buying a laptop within the next 3 or 4 weeks for the sole purpose of writing again. So, for anyone that hasn't totally knocked me off their list, please take time to re-read this story if you need to, I personally will have to just to get the tone right. And I hope to make it up to you all by doing this AU story justice.

Thank you.


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